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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27777583">보여줄게</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnmycat/pseuds/autumnmycat'>autumnmycat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>K-pop, League of Legends</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - K/DA (League of Legends), Angst, Depression, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sexual Content, Whump</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:08:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27777583</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnmycat/pseuds/autumnmycat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course, Ahri wished she could show people what she's made of, but in reality, everything is so much harder than just wishing something to be true, especially when her life has been constantly yanked out from under her.</p><p>And, as far as she knows, it will never stop.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahri/Evelynn (League of Legends)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>207</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 젊은</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>보여줄게 “boyeojulge” = I’ll show</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>젊은 “jeolm-eun” = young</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Ahri had always known <em>something</em> wasn’t right in her brain. She would get anxious about the smallest things—such as but not limited to—getting a perfect score on her childhood grammar tests or what she should wear on picture day to portray the <em>exact</em> way she wanted to be perceived. Her greatest fear was someone finding out that she wasn’t really what she projected out onto the world, and it just didn’t seem to be the right issue for a nine-year-old to have.</p><p class="p1">And, her music career—well, let’s just say there was a tiny bit of spiraling going on behind the scenes. Although, that was normal in the K-Pop industry (not that anyone would admit it out loud, of course).</p><p class="p1">Her self-destructive behaviors were always subtle enough to fly under the radar. Eat less some weeks, binge other weeks, throw up sometimes. Nothing awful. Nothing everyone else didn’t do. It was something that only your friends or other idols would whisper to you about privately, and you’d agree everything was awful and hug it out and maybe cry a little, and then you’d go right back to being perfect all over again.</p><p class="p1">The tabloids generally left her alone when she was still a solo act. After all, she was South Korea’s Sweetheart. Cute, bubbly, great voice. Fun, Cute, Blonde, Pink!</p><p class="p1">It was not who she was at all.</p><p class="p1">The thing she enjoyed most was the performance of it. No one can hurt you if you never show them who you really are. So, for a time, she really liked playing this character of a girl who didn’t have a care in the world.</p><p class="p1">And, then, she met Evelynn.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn was surprisingly direct with her. They had run into each other at an awards show afterparty, and she stomped right up to her.</p><p class="p1">“You’re full of shit.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri, rightly, was shocked and confused and immediately uncomfortable.</p><p class="p1">“E-Excuse me?”</p><p class="p1">She poked her in her chest.</p><p class="p1">“You got up on that goddamn stage, and you told everyone how happy you are making music for people, and you didn’t mean a single goddamn word of it.”</p><p class="p1">“Uh…” She didn’t have the words to respond because, not only was she so forward, but she was <em>right</em>. “Um, I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p class="p1">She’d always been good at lying, but once someone had found her out, the facade fell so easily.</p><p class="p1">“Bull<em>shit</em>.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri knew she didn’t mean ill will, but still, her face melted and she burst into tears.</p><p class="p1">“Whoa, hey—I wasn’t trying to make you cry.”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t that she was upset, exactly, but there was something about being confronted with the truth that always hurt more than anything else.</p><p class="p1">“No, I know—I’m—I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean—”</p><p class="p1">She grabbed her hand and practically dragged her up the stairs, dragged her into a room that was not either of theirs and slammed the door.</p><p class="p1">“What the fuck is your issue?”</p><p class="p1">Her harsh tone only made her cry harder, and she could see it in her eyes that Evelynn had put two and two together.</p><p class="p1">“Oh…you didn’t—you don’t…want to say those things.”</p><p class="p1">The small voice in the back of her head screamed, (<em>Yes I do! I have to because if I don’t, everything will fall apart!</em>)</p><p class="p1">“N-No…I wrote that speech. No one forced me to do it.”</p><p class="p1">She shook her head. “That’s not what I mean.”</p><p class="p1">“Then, what do you—” Her words were broken by a sob.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn took her over to a large vanity—(Ahri was extremely nervous about being in someone else’s room that they hadn’t been given permission to enter, which didn’t help on top of everything else).</p><p class="p1">“Tell me what you see. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?”</p><p class="p1">That was easy. She stared in the mirror almost constantly, caught her reflection in store windows, poured over paparazzi shots of herself.</p><p class="p1">“Blonde. Blue eyes. Fox ears.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s really all you see?”</p><p class="p1">Her eyes flicked over to the girl with her hands on her shoulders. Her face softened.</p><p class="p1">“I see another person who has pretty purple hair and really good makeup. A bob haircut. And, her clothes say that she’s self-assured and doesn’t care what anyone thinks.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn looked a bit uncomfortable.</p><p class="p1">“Why would you describe me?”</p><p class="p1">“Because you told me to tell you what I see, and that’s part of what I see.”</p><p class="p1">She stood up straight and looked down to Ahri with a contemplative expression.</p><p class="p1">“You’re a hard thinker. It wouldn’t have even occurred to me to do that.”</p><p class="p1">“Well, I…”</p><p class="p1">(<em>I don’t really want to think about myself.</em>)</p><p class="p1">“But, you also barely talked about yourself and then gushed over me. What’s up with that?”</p><p class="p1">“Ah…”</p><p class="p1">Called out. Read to filth.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn bent down again and pressed her cheek against hers, forcing her to look at her reflection straight on.</p><p class="p1">“What I see is someone who doesn’t know what the hell they want. Someone who’s been pushed and pulled in so many directions that she can’t make up her own mind anymore. I see someone sad, someone silently crying out for help. I see someone forced to stifle themselves for an industry who wants to similarly stifle their craft, and so she’s had to stifle her needs and wants just because someone told them to.”</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t help but look shocked.</p><p class="p1">“You looked so goddamn sad up on that stage even though you’d just won multiple awards. You looked like you were going to burst into tears.”</p><p class="p1">Kind of like she looked now.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn only had one more word to say.</p><p class="p1">“Why?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri flipped around where she sat and threw herself into a hug began to sob again. Evelynn returned her embrace and even pet at her hair like she was actually a pet fox.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” she murmured. “I understand. Not everyone can stand up for themselves like I do. I’m always told to tone it down, but I won’t, and I don’t care about the consequences of that even though my managers do," she giggled.</p><p class="p1">Ahri looked up at her and there was something different in Evelynn’s eyes. She wasn’t angry. She was sad.</p><p class="p1">“How do you know so much about me even though we’ve never met?”</p><p class="p1">“Honey, I’ve seen it a million times. There are so many idols like you out there. They’re all…” she had to look away, “…so goddamn sad.”</p><p class="p1">She sniffed.</p><p class="p1">“It’s hard not to be when everything is like it is. They won’t even let me write songs for myself. I told my management that I wouldn’t even sing them on streams—I wouldn’t even sing them to other people in my company, but they still take my notebooks away from me. I can write on my phone, but it isn’t the same.”</p><p class="p1">“Ahri…you do know that those kinds of behaviors are abusive, right?”</p><p class="p1">“Abusive? But, they’re not hitting me or anything—”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn let go of her and backed up, crossing her arms.</p><p class="p1">“<em>No</em>. Abuse isn’t just about being beaten up. It can be about control and autonomy being taken away.” When she met her eyes again, they glowed yellow with such intensity that it made her breath catch in her throat. “Your means of fun and joy were taken away. You can’t just be worked like a dog day in and day out.”</p><p class="p1">How could she say that she was actually, sort of a dog without telling her that she wasn’t exactly human?</p><p class="p1">Well, she couldn’t, so she had to stuff it down all over again.</p><p class="p1">“I…don’t mind that much. They treat me well otherwise. Unlike other girls, I’m pretty much free to do what I want.”</p><p class="p1">“But, that’s what they do to make you complicit! Don’t you get that?”</p><p class="p1">She turned her head in the other direction.</p><p class="p1">“I…guess not.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn made a grunting sound and walked around the room, hands propped behind her head. It was uncomfortable to have someone upset because of her in her presence, so she immediately went into deflection mode.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not fair to you either, though. I get awards for having the song and album of the year, and it’s said I have the best voice, but you’re the one with the best voice. I can’t hit the notes you can.”</p><p class="p1">She looked at her with a soft smile.</p><p class="p1">“Babe, I’m not worried about what awards I win or don’t win. The industry’s fucked. It’s all rigged. Maybe Knetz think award shows are some big thing, but they’re only formalities.”</p><p class="p1">“I know, but I still don’t think it’s fair.”</p><p class="p1">“Exactly.” Suddenly, she came back to her and took her hands while kneeling by the bench she was sitting on. Her voice was so soft when she said, “It’s all fake. It’s not real. It has nothing to do with you. It’s all Fat Cats with their egos and their bottom lines, and it has nothing to do with you.”</p><p class="p1">The idea that the things that were inflicted onto her weren’t a direct representation of her behavior almost made her feel more helpless. If it had all been for a reason, maybe it would have been alright. But, if it was indiscriminate, if she was just a product—an object—well…</p><p class="p1">Still, she couldn’t help but flush bright red.</p><p class="p1">“W-Why are you so insistent on this?" she whispered. "We don’t even know each other.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s eyes were piercing when she said, “Because I <em>care</em>.”</p><p class="p1">Something in the back of her mind wondered if she was doing something to her head because she felt dazed and…elated?</p><p class="p1">“Care…about me?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, hon. About you.” One of her hands was placed on her cheek. “You don’t deserve to suffer. None of us do.”</p><p class="p1">If someone hadn’t burst into the room right at that second, she was absolutely sure she would have kissed her.</p><p class="p1">But, some generic dude was standing in the doorway.</p><p class="p1">“What the fuck are you doing up here?! Get the fuck out of my room!”</p><p class="p1">Ahri immediately went into panic mode, standing up and bowing deeply.</p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn yanked her by the arm, pulling her upright. “C’mon, you don’t have to apologize to that asshole.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, <em>I’m</em> the asshole? For being mad that you went into a room you clearly weren’t supposed to go in? Don’t you know closed doors at parties means you don’t go in?”</p><p class="p1">She rolled her eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. In your fucking mansion. Sure, that’s clearly your biggest problem.”</p><p class="p1">“Everyone’s right about you. You are a bitch.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt a flare of hatred bubble up in her chest.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t call her a bitch.” She walked up so they were in line with each other. “She’s not a bitch. You’re the asshole here.”</p><p class="p1">“What, Eve, is this your slut?”</p><p class="p1">Her arm wrapped around her waist, and Ahri was pulled close to her. She had to brace her hands on her chest, much to her embarrassment.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, yeah, definitely. You’re so lucky we didn’t make a mess of your bed from fucking so hard.”</p><p class="p1">“You fucking cunt.”</p><p class="p1">He was starting to get closer to them, and she knew that he was probably going to try to hurt them, and instinctively, she held her hands out.</p><p class="p1">There was a harrowing <em>crunch!</em> as the bed frame broke from his impact.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, shit!” Evelynn laughed.</p><p class="p1">Ahri froze with fear. She was <em>not</em> supposed to have done that.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, kid, we gotta get out of here.” She giggled, “I’m impressed though, your bite is much, much worse than your bark.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri flushed dozens of shades of red.</p><p class="p1">“Keep it moving everyone, keep it moving.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn shoved people aside indiscriminately while pulling at her arm, and she closed her eyes, letting his head tilt back in resignation. She was going to be cursed out about this by her management tomorrow, but she didn’t have the wherewithal to be combative.</p><p class="p1">Then, they were outside on someone’s stoop. Two world-famous idols sitting on some rando’s stoop.</p><p class="p1">“Holy shit. You fucking obliterated him! Why didn’t you tell me you could fuck people up like that?”</p><p class="p1">Tears came to her eyes again when she turned and met gold eyes and cried, “Because I don’t want to be able to!”</p><p class="p1">“O-Oh…”</p><p class="p1">She cried into her hands and her fingers were turning grey from her mascara.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve tried so hard not to be like this. I’ve tried so hard to be normal, but I’m <em>not</em>, and I keep slipping up, and—”</p><p class="p1">“Hey,” Evelynn whispered.</p><p class="p1">She took her cheek and lifted up so they met eyes again. Ahri breathed out hard because she suddenly really wanted to make out with Evelynn.</p><p class="p1">“I have a power…” her tone had almost a sing-song quality to it, “…where I can make people love me.”</p><p class="p1">Sure enough, Ahri felt like she was going to die if she didn’t kiss her. But, having a similar power herself, she simply sat there and panted against the feeling.</p><p class="p1">“Hmm…you’re rather resistant, aren’t you?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Stop</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m only teasing.”</p><p class="p1">And, just as the feeling had come onto her, it fell away, and Evelynn cradled her against her chest.</p><p class="p1">“You’re lovely,” she hummed.</p><p class="p1">“I am?” she squeaked back.</p><p class="p1">Blue met gold, and Ahri thought she might die.</p><p class="p1">She said, “Please don’t.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn let got of her, and Ahri fell back against the stairs. She put a hand to her head.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Uhh</em>…”</p><p class="p1">“Sorry. If you’re not into it, it’s okay.”</p><p class="p1">“No, I just—” She hated feeling out of control in the way that she could control other people. “No, I don’t mind you. I’m just—messed up.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay. That’s fine, too. I don’t want to make you feel bad.”</p><p class="p1">She kept panting, and she hated knowing what it felt like if she used her powers on someone else.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not that I...I—I don’t hate it, I just—”</p><p class="p1">A large hand fell on her head and scratched behind an ear.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re lovely, and you should never change.”</p><p class="p1">Even though Ahri wasn’t sure if she was fully in control of her desires, she didn’t care at the moment. She leaned back and over Evelynn’s lap and smiled.</p><p class="p1">“I suppose you’ve got me.”</p><p class="p1">She leaned down and kissed Ahri’s forehead.</p><p class="p1">“I suppose I do.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn smiled.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 오류</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's difficult to keep secrets when you're constantly in the public eye.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>오류 “olyu” = error/mistake</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Ahri woke up with a gasp.</p><p class="p1">She hadn’t had that dream in so long. That first night she met Evelynn. Huh. It felt like a lifetime ago now. Different time, different Ahri.</p><p class="p1">The thought saddened her because Evelynn never changed. She was always just herself. Sure, she matured over the years and mellowed out a lot, but everyone does that when going from a teenager to a fully formed adult.</p><p class="p1">Ahri, however, had changed her concept (and subsequently the way she looked and acted) too many times to count.</p><p class="p1">She debuted as a solo artist with brown hair and a simple ‘girl next door’ concept. After that took off, her company ramped it up to eleven, giving her the whole blonde bubbly treatment, and that was when she really blew up, and so it was the one that she stuck with until she left her first agency.</p><p class="p1">That’s not a time she really liked to think about.</p><p class="p1">Back then, when she’d first gone blonde, she used to hate having to get her ears done because, unlike her scalp which just itched and tingled from the bleach, her ears <em>stung</em> from it, and they would be so sensitive for days afterward.</p><p class="p1">Now, it barely bothered her. Just another part of the job. Get your hair done, get your nails done, get your ears done. At least with her tail, she could just will it to change, and she thanked the heavens every day for that.</p><p class="p1">She looked at her phone. 5:45 am. Her normal alarm would go off in fifteen minutes anyway, so she might as well get up.</p><p class="p1">Flicking on the lights to the bathroom made her wince, and probably her appearance made her wince more. She hadn’t been as thorough as she’d thought when taking off her makeup, so there were dark grey circles under her eyes from sleeping in the remnants of mascara.</p><p class="p1">Regardless, she slid into her routine. Shower, makeup, get dressed. Maybe eat, maybe not. One of the things that continued to stick with her was her bad eating habits, not because she was really trying to lose weight or anything but because it made her calmer for some reason. She tried not to think about it too much.</p><p class="p1">They had to continue promoting that day, so it was around 7:30 that their management shooed them out of their apartment and got them into the SUV they use to drive around Seoul.</p><p class="p1">“I need coffee,” Kai’sa said. “Do you think they’ll have coffee at the radio station?”</p><p class="p1">“I surreee hope so because Eve looks like she’s going to snap Manager-oppa’s neck,” Akali whispered to Kai’sa, laughing in a strange way that sounded like ‘<em>chi-chi-chi</em>’ with a hand in front of her mouth. Although she could seem like the hardest of the members, especially since she was known as one of the best girl group rappers in the industry, she was definitely the silliest both in private and on variety shows. She was the youngest, after all—K/DA’s maknae.</p><p class="p1">Her fans enjoyed it because they got the best of both worlds, a cute, funny girl and a hardass rapper that would tear your head off. Ahri smiled a bit. She liked her for a lot of reasons, but her upbeat energy also managed to make her feel better.</p><p class="p1">Eve was sitting in the back with sunglasses, her arms crossed, and a glare that could kill a man. You could tell even through her glasses. She wasn’t the biggest morning person. The rest of them were somewhere in the middle, but all of them were exhausted from the promotion circuit. It was impossible not to be. It was go, go, go every day for weeks at a time. The human body wasn’t meant to do that—well, maybe she wasn’t human or whatever, but she still had metabolic processes and sleep cycles so whatever.</p><p class="p1">They were ushered into a big building. She recognized it from when they had promoted two years prior, but all the radio and tv stations blurred together, and she didn’t really care to remember which one was which. They’d tell them what to say for their bump anyway.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Hana dul set—</em>” Ahri said softly before they all join in together. “You want more!<em> Hello, we are K/DA!</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Hello, right back at you guys. Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri loved interviews. She was so good at them. It was just memorizing a script, really, but also having the ability to twist and turn things to suit your narrative. Having the ability to ‘talk’ was something that most people took for granted, but it was so necessary for most aspects of life, especially for entertainment.</p><p class="p1">“Yes, it’s so nice to see you again, <em>Pab-logseu</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s so cute the way you say it!”</p><p class="p1">She giggled, her cheeks flushing.</p><p class="p1">“My English is still not very good, but I’m trying my hardest all the time to learn!”</p><p class="p1">“Yes, I can tell. You’ve improved so much.”</p><p class="p1">“Thank you very much!” she bowed even though only the people in the room could see it.</p><p class="p1">Riot was a label that was more concentrated on overseas and international promotion. Of course, they still did interviews in Korean for some TV and radio stations, but PopRox was their main international radio contact, so really, this interview was one of the most important they did all promo cycle.</p><p class="p1">“Well, I have to congratulate you guys on your first mini-album. It’s incredible from start to finish. And, 'MORE' is such a killer track.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri began speaking in Korean, and Eve translated for her.</p><p class="p1">“<em>We all thank you for that, and yes, we have been so excited to show you this mini-album to the world for so long. We concentrated very hard to make the perfect tracks that represent us and our commitment to every single member’s individuality—it was an incredibly fun record to work on, write for, and help produce.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Ahri and Eve smiled and nodded at each other. Then, they turn and do the same to Kai’sa and Akali.</p><p class="p1">“Akali, speaking of writing and producing, you write all your own raps and produce your own beats for them right?”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, yeah, I definitely write all my own lyrics, but sometimes I get sent beats that are crazy, and I just have to use them. I mean, we can all write and produce, but also bringing other people into the creative process can make things that only one of us could never have done. We’re always collaborating, even between ourselves. We never just make our own sections and cut and paste them together. It’s ever-evolving, you know?”</p><p class="p1">PopRox said, “Oh, yeah that makes a lot of sense. I’m just really impressed by the level of control you all have over your creative processes. It’s not often that groups, especially girl groups, get to write and produce the things they make.”</p><p class="p1">They looked at Ahri, and she nodded back.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Yes, we are so, so fortunate that Riot was willing to sign us under that conceptual idea that we’re pretty much responsible for the content we create ourselves. I know that Eve feels similarly that our times in the industry previously could be rather painful. In my case, I was in a company that was more of the in-house style of production, so I was mostly given concepts and songs rather than working on them myself. So, yes, it was very nice to find a home at Riot.</em></p><p class="p1"><em>“And, that’s not to say that either of those creative processes are good or bad. Some people like when they perform other people’s tracks, but that’s not the case for—um, all four of us, I think.</em>”</p><p class="p1">They all nod.</p><p class="p1">“To go off of what Ahri was saying,” Kai’sa said, “music industries all over the world are extremely complex and everyone has their own way of doing things. I think our international upbringing lends itself to a more unorthodox approach because really, we’re an unorthodox group, and so our visions are unorthodox as well.”</p><p class="p1">“That is true. I think therein lies why audiences gravitate towards you, even with the accusations that the group was to become a ‘One-Hit Wonder.’”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt her face fall. Usually, she could bring it right back up, but he’d just struck one of the most sensitive chords in her chest. The rest of the girls noticed.</p><p class="p1">Akali jumped it, “People can say and think what they want, but at the end of the day, we’re confident in what we’re doing, and the speculation isn’t what we focus on.”</p><p class="p1">Eve said, “Yes. Being in the music industry or being in the public eye at all comes with a certain amount of—Pardon my French—but ‘bullshit?’ Someone out there is always going to hate you, and that’s a fact of life, even if you’re performing as a no-name in a coffee shop.</p><p class="p1">“But, what <em>is</em> harmful is this gossip culture we have in which we get mobs of people on the internet saying untruthful and possibly damaging things. I think that takes a toll on everyone, fans and singers alike, and considering some of the tragic incidents that have happened over the last couple of years…”</p><p class="p1">“Yes, it’s truly unfortunate to see the best and brightest have such terrible circumstances happen to them. But, hm, anyway—I wanted to talk about your individual concept videos a bit. However, we will do that after our commercial break.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri hadn’t even realized she’d placed her head in her hands until Akali put a hand on her back.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, unnie, you okay?”</p><p class="p1">She lifted her head and blinked.</p><p class="p1">“Yes, I think the exhaustion is getting to me.”</p><p class="p1">“Let’s get you coffee then.” She turned toward the manager and called out, “Oppa! Get Ahri coffee! She’s tired.”</p><p class="p1">Their manager was a nice man. Quiet but kind. He was only there to look after them, really—to get them to and from places and to make sure they’re safe. She held no ill will against him. And, she really felt thankful for all he did for them. It wasn’t easy to wrangle all these girls with such large personalities.</p><p class="p1">Sure, the interviews this comeback were going to be harder. She had to keep herself together. It didn’t matter what other people thought. It didn’t matter if some people hated her—or, er, hated them. As Eve said, it’s a fact of life.</p><p class="p1">Their manager came around and give her a styrofoam cup of shitty coffee. As strange as it seemed, she sort of liked it better than “good” coffee. Yeah, she’d be okay. The warmth of it told her so. Coffee always calmed her because it reminded her of when she still went to school, and—</p><p class="p1">“Alright, we’re live in five, four, three, two—“</p><p class="p1">“Welcome back. This morning we are talking with K/DA! They just released their first mini-album ‘ALL OUT’ after a two-year hiatus. What is interesting about this record is that they each get their own track to really shine. Can you tell us about the individual concepts?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Eve</em>,” Ahri said, “<em>Can you start?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Of course, hm…I wrote Villian about my reputation in the industry. Kind of like I’m taking back the narrative of being seen as not easy to work with. Like, yeah, sure, I’m a straight-up Villian. What are you going to do about it, and how are you going to stop me?”</p><p class="p1">Akali covered her mouth and laughed.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, you think that’s funny?” Eve teased, putting a hand on top of her head.</p><p class="p1">“Nah, I just like you guys.”</p><p class="p1">“What I’m trying to say is,” she continued, “if I make myself look the worst I possibly could, even into the realm of hyperbole, then no one can say anything. I’m bad? So what? I don't care. Come at me.”</p><p class="p1">PopRox laughed, “You certainly do have a large personality.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri jumped in, “<em>Ah, we all do, and I think that’s what makes us work well together. We’re ambitious, and we like to create.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“So, Kai’sa, there’s been backlash about your concept video and it being too simple compared to the others. People wonder that maybe you are being put on the back burner by Riot—”</p><p class="p1">“That concept video was choreographed and directed by me. I wrote up the treatment. I hired the dancer. If people have a problem with it, they can take it up with me. I’m very firm in my vision regardless of the interpretation.”</p><p class="p1">“So, it wasn’t Riot’s—”</p><p class="p1">Eve broke in. “I don’t feel as though this is a respectful line of questioning.”</p><p class="p1">“Alright...so Akali, your concept video is still not released.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, that’s right.”</p><p class="p1">“Can you give us any hints?”</p><p class="p1">“Eh, you’ll see. Don’t want to ruin the surprise,” she laughed.</p><p class="p1">“Alright, fair enough. And, Ahri, your concept video…”</p><p class="p1">Okay, okay, she was going to be asked about this. She knew she had all the answers already written out. She was going to be okay.</p><p class="p1">“Yes.”</p><p class="p1">“You seem to be touching on your past in a way that you haven’t before.”</p><p class="p1">She looked at Eve as to alert her that she needed translating.</p><p class="p1">“<em>So, as we were speaking about earlier, part of my past is not being totally in control of my creative choices. There’s that period in my life, and then there’s the time that I wasn’t in the public eye, and I was just me. All of that is currently being contrasted with how I feel about myself now, about how things are still so different but still contain similar struggles. “</em>I’ll Show You” <em>is a response to both sides. I will become more than I was but what I was is still part of who I am.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“That’s very eloquent of you.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, thank you very much.”</p><p class="p1">“I just wanted to run a few things by you since you’re here. Um, there were some rumors a bit ago that suggested the reason you left your previous company was you were very badly hurt while rehearsing one day.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Pab-logseu-nim</em>, I am sorry, <em>but I can’t talk about that.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“If something happened though, don’t you think the public has a right to know about the company’s treatment of you—”</p><p class="p1">“<em>No</em>,” Evelynn said definitively. “That is not your business.”</p><p class="p1">There was management in the background telling him to cut the interview off.</p><p class="p1">“Alright, girls. It was nice to have you on.”</p><p class="p1">“Thank you,” they said in unison, “we’re so thankful for your time.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt the last of resolve melt from her body.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 슬퍼</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>She wasn't normally so depressed, but things have been weighing on her more lately.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>슬퍼 "seulpeo" = sad</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“Well, that fucking sucked.”</p><p class="p1">Akali put her hands behind her head and arched her back against the car seat.</p><p class="p1">“It was definitely…not the best,” Kai’sa commiserated.</p><p class="p1">“Why do they always have to bring up controversies, ugh!”</p><p class="p1">“They get ratings. Can’t blame them in the sense that I blame them very much.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri wished she wasn’t wearing this fucking uncomfortable gold jumper and thigh-high boots. She wanted to be a hoodie so she could sink into it and never come back out.</p><p class="p1">This comeback was wearing her down way worse than their debut. That was to be expected since they basically dropped out of the public eye for two years—but that wasn’t their fault!</p><p class="p1">“Hey, Ahri-unnie, you okay?”</p><p class="p1">What a sweet girl Akali was.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, of course.”</p><p class="p1">“You just look really sad.”</p><p class="p1">Goddammit.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry, no, just tired.”</p><p class="p1">She looked at her lap. Eve kept her sunglasses on. They both knew she was lying.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; Is it just me or was Ahri boring in this comeback? [+2533 -412]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; yeah, she def had a glow down which is embarrassing for her because they had a two year hiatus kkkkkk [+1273 -268]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; riot always puts her front and center too like yeah we get it you have favorites [+1000 -1435]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; doesn’t kai’sa do all the choreo? i dont think that’s riot’s fault [+2380 -33]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; dancer here, shes in the middle the most because she’s the tallest, so its a formation thing [+8 -2072]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; she's not even that tallest!! kai'sa is!! [+2994 -1]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; lmao nice cope dumbass [+2744 -59]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; y’all are just mad that she’s more talented than your bias tbh [+26 -2092]</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; spotted the ahri stan kkkkkkkkkk [+2000 -10]</p><p class="p1">Holy shit. This was mortifying.</p><p class="p1">“You know, you shouldn’t be looking at the commentary.”</p><p class="p1">She looked up from her phone and saw Kai’sa raising an eyebrow at her. Caught red-handed. Not for the first time.</p><p class="p1">In several different respects.</p><p class="p1">“I know. I just wanted to see what the GP thought about the whole thing.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa sighed and shook her head.</p><p class="p1">“Some people will never be happy. And, some people are out there just to tear others down. You’re one of the best in the industry, and you know that.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. It’s not like I take it to heart,” she lied.</p><p class="p1">“Good to hear.” She patted her on the head as she walked by. In public, she was the calm and centered one, but behind closed doors, she was the baby of the group. Of course, Akali was the maknae, but that’s a little different. Everyone was defensive of Ahri and went out of their way to show affection when they could because she hadn’t had the best experiences before being in K/DA. She appreciated it, she really did, but when she was feeling really down, it almost annoyed her.</p><p class="p1">Couldn’t they let her wallow in her self-pity in peace?</p><p class="p1">Ahri knew she was falling into her old habits again. The obsessive monitoring of social media, the constant rumination on what she could’ve done better, what she might have done wrong—all the would’ve, should’ve, could’ves. Her various therapists had tried to convince her that these very behaviors only contributed to her mental health being…iffy.</p><p class="p1">“You could just charm them all.” Kai’sa said when she came back in the room.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, charm all haters,” Akali laughed. “Get sasaeng fans instead.”</p><p class="p1">“You know I don’t do that anymore for that very reason.”</p><p class="p1">“We were joking,” Ka’sai smiled sadly.</p><p class="p1">“Not a very funny joke!” Eve called out from where she was resting on the couch.</p><p class="p1">They all knew there had been some less than savory practices done at her last agency, which had many unintended consequences, including a stalking scandal and multiple threats on her life, some more possible and personal than others. One of the dozens of reasons she didn’t tell anybody what she really was had very much to do with other people taking advantage of her.</p><p class="p1">The other was because—uh—being a gumiho wasn’t exactly the most normal thing in the world. Although, at this point, would anyone believe it? People aren’t really so superstitious in this modern age.</p><p class="p1">“Honestly, it just sucks that people get upset over nothing,” Akali mumbled.</p><p class="p1">“They’re literally mad I didn’t show my face,” Evelynn sighed.</p><p class="p1">“Also, it’s like, I <em>wanted</em> to do a dance video for mine,” Kai’sa said. “Everyone’s all mad at Riot when it’s not even their fault.”</p><p class="p1">There was something sick and selfish about wanting those things to be her problem. But, now, people just didn’t like her through no fault of their own. This happened to everyone every once in a while, but…she didn’t want to think about it.</p><p class="p1">(It was easy to fall in the background, especially when she put on her glasses, put her hair in a loose braid that hung over her shoulder, and sunk into her sweatshirt/pants. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to join in on the conversation, it just felt better to make herself small and quiet when she felt bad.)</p><p class="p1">Akali’s phone went off.</p><p class="p1">“What now?” Eve groaned.</p><p class="p1">“Oh—they want us to do a LLive stream.” Akali was frowning at her phone.</p><p class="p1">Not again…it felt like it was every damn day. It wasn’t like she didn’t like interacting with their fans—no, she loved them so much—it was that having to “appear” was more than just appearing. It was showing yourself to <em>everyone</em>, and after that interview, she didn’t want the public to see her at all</p><p class="p1">“Figures. I think they just want us to be our own PR team,” Akali laughed to herself.</p><p class="p1">“I would not put it past them.”</p><p class="p1">“Alright, alright. Not a big deal.”</p><p class="p1">They started the stream.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, y’all.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri was slumped on the couch ready to die.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; What was up with that PopRox interview???</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; for real</p><p class="p1">“Oh, you caught that interview, huh? Did you like it?”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; they wouldn’t let ahri breathe for a second</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; terrible journalism</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, they were mean to Ahri. Don’t care if PopRox hears it. He should know better.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; Where’s Airi????</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; We Want To See Ahri!!</p><p class="p1">Akali looked behind her, and Ahri shook her head.</p><p class="p1">“Guys, she doesn’t feel good.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; but she’s sitting right there!!!!!!!</p><p class="p1">Evelynn glared.</p><p class="p1">“If Ahri doesn’t want to talk, she doesn’t have to.”</p><p class="p1">“No, no, Eve. It’s okay.”</p><p class="p1">She popped into the frame. And, yeah, she didn’t look too good, but it was mostly because she was completely dressed down.</p><p class="p1">Instantly, the comments start flooding in.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; are you okay?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; did something happen?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; it’s okay ahri we’ll always love you</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; ahri is my life<br/><br/>Ahri visibly bristled and the rest of the girls noticed.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; the media has been so harsh with her she must be so sad</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; kkkkkkkkkkkkk</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; antis be gone</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t help but let her face fall.</p><p class="p1">“I’m okay, guys. I promise.” She gave a small smile. “I’ll always love you too. Blades are the light of my life. I don’t know what I would do without you.”</p><p class="p1">It was true. Without her fanbase, she might as well have thrown herself off a cliff already.</p><p class="p1">Almost as if Eve could read her mind, she glared at her.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; cant believe riot snubbed ahri in more, thats why this is happening</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; she could have acted like she wanted to be there kkkkkk</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; can the mods take the trash out please?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; yeah both ahri and kai’sa got robbed</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa rolled her eyes, but Ahri was too on edge to let the criticism side off her back.</p><p class="p1">“No, no! I don’t think I was given a bad role in the comeback. Why do you think that?”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; you had like two lines girl</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; stand up for yourself damn</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; riot clearly doesn’t appreciate you</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; no i think riot knows exactly what theyre doing kkkkkkkkkkkkk</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; can someone ban this loser already???</p><p class="p1">Ahri stared dumbfounded at the camera of Alkai’s phone.</p><p class="p1">That was when Evelynn yanked it from her hand and held it really close to her face.</p><p class="p1">“Our LLive’s will be longer if you leave her <em>alone</em>,” and she pressed the button which ended the stream.</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t cry about it—no, not anymore. There were too many things worth crying about, and she couldn’t cry about those either. However, she felt like she was shaking, and maybe it’s because she was.</p><p class="p1">All three girls descended on her, which pulled everything back to reality.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not your fault—”</p><p class="p1">“They’re all assholes—”</p><p class="p1">“You don’t deserve it.”</p><p class="p1">“No, it’s okay,” she murmured. “I’m not new to this.”</p><p class="p1">In fact, she was the most experienced out of all of them. She should be the least upset. She should have been the most equipped to handle it. She should have been better than she was.</p><p class="p1">(About everything.)</p><p class="p1">“But, they don’t have to be mean to you.”</p><p class="p1">“Or, demand so much from you.”</p><p class="p1">“And, management could be better at managing the chats…”</p><p class="p1">“That doesn’t really bother me.”</p><p class="p1">“It clearly does,” Eve frowned.</p><p class="p1">“Okay, thanks, Eve. Helpful feedback,” she muttered to herself.</p><p class="p1">“Well, what do you want me to do? Lie? I’m not going to lie to you, Ahri.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa and Akali looked at each other nervously.</p><p class="p1">“I know! I know. Trust me, I know. I would just rather—ugh.” She brushed a strand that had fallen from her braid away from her face. “I would rather you all wouldn’t get so upset about it, okay?”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn was obviously getting pissed off now.</p><p class="p1">“And, let the antis and the media walk all over you? Nuh-uh, babe. You know what happened the last time.”</p><p class="p1">(She didn’t want to think about The Last Time.)</p><p class="p1">Ahri stared at her lap and picked at her cuticles. She needed to get a fill on her manicure, she absently noted.</p><p class="p1">“I wasn’t there for you as much as I should have been, and I am not going to make the same mistake again.”</p><p class="p1">“That wasn’t your fault.”</p><p class="p1">They had this argument way too often. It was the only time they bickered like an old married couple. They needed theoretical marriage counseling.</p><p class="p1">“No, but I could have been there for you, and I wasn’t.”</p><p class="p1">She swallowed thickly, still looking down at her lap.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, Eve, maybe you should lay off,” Akali whispered to her.</p><p class="p1">Eve decidedly ignored her. “You always do this. When you’re having trouble, you push people away, even though we’re trying to help. If anything happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself—”</p><p class="p1">Something in Ahri exploded. She stood up, stamped her foot, and yelled.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not your fault! Stop!”</p><p class="p1">The tone of her voice forced everyone into silence, and that made her fall back to reality really suddenly, and she realized how hard she just messed up. The eyes looking at her were too wide. Hers probably were too.</p><p class="p1">She backed up and away slowly before turning around. She hung her head before grabbing the door handle to her bedroom.</p><p class="p1">“I’m—I’m gonna sleep now.”</p><p class="p1">And, no one said anything.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 과거</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The past had certainly not been kind to her.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>과거 "gwageo" = past</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">That night after the party, Ahri woke up in her own bed, but she had no idea how she’d gotten there.</p><p class="p1">She felt weird and floaty and had cobwebs in her head. It did not feel like she’d woken up in her own body.</p><p class="p1">Usually, she was extremely chaste, but suddenly, she <em>needed something.</em></p><p class="p1">Terrible. She shouldn’t want this, but her hand was between her legs anyway.</p><p class="p1">She knew what she was feeling was induced by <em>her</em> because she could induce it herself, and she knew what it felt like and <em>ugh</em>.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck you, Evelynn,” she whined, but it felt so good. She pressed her face into her pillow because she knew only bad things could come of this.</p><p class="p1">And, bad things they did. She made terrible noises. She stared at her bed frame and hated that she let another succubus do this to her.</p><p class="p1">She wasn’t even gay.</p><p class="p1">Well, she thought she wasn’t, at least.</p><p class="p1">That was the only time she really let herself think about how she felt for Evelynn. But, she was good at shoving things to the back of her mind, so she really never considered it again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">She always lit up when the cameras turned on.</p><p class="p1">“Hello! It’s the sweetest fox you’ll ever meet! I’m Ahri, and it’s so nice to meet you!”</p><p class="p1">It was weird how she could go from being completely despondent one second and then light up on command the next. That was probably normal and fine, she decided.</p><p class="p1">“It’s so great to have you on the show, Ahri. First off, you recently released a single that went to number one in only five hours. How did you manage that?”</p><p class="p1">“I…ah…” There was a flash of momentary panic and all of the lines that she’d been coached to say disappeared from her mind. She blinked a couple of times, and for some reason, that snapped her back into focus. To cover her longer than necessary pause, she smiled big and hard, and things fell into place again. “Obviously, I have to thank my fans. I wouldn’t be anywhere without Gwiyeoyeou. And, the rest of it—ah—luck, I’m assuming.”</p><p class="p1">“Well, you are incredibly successful and popular.”</p><p class="p1">The lights of the studio were becoming unbearably hot.</p><p class="p1">“But, I can’t take that for granted. I always have to try harder to be myself.”</p><p class="p1">(Every time she said that canned line, she felt her heart break.)</p><p class="p1">“You’re so modest, especially considering your voice has been called one of the best in the industry.”</p><p class="p1">“I—well, I won’t improve if I don’t keep trying.”</p><p class="p1">She hoped her smile didn’t look as pained as it felt.</p><p class="p1">“Cut!”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt like she could fall over. And, she almost did. The way the studio lights flashed in her eyes made her disoriented, and when she stood up on her heels, she stumbled.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn emerged from the back of the stage, and she had that look in her eyes again—that look that said she could tell she was lying through her teeth.</p><p class="p1">“Hey—hey. Are you okay?” She clutched at her arms in an attempt to steady her.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” she lied. “Just tired. Promo, and—”</p><p class="p1">“Your management hasn’t been taking care of you.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” she frowned. “I wouldn’t say that.”</p><p class="p1">Her voice became uncharacteristically soft. “You haven’t looked well during your promotions, and I'm worried about you.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn never acted like this, or at least, not publicly. She was known for having extremely bad attitude problems, especially considering she was infamous for being dropped from labels and groups right and left. She had the talent, but no one wanted to deal with her.</p><p class="p1">(Except, Ahri wanted to deal with her, and she didn’t exactly know why.)</p><p class="p1">Someone was suddenly close, and if she couldn’t tell by the strange energy around her, she could see how Evelynn’s expression soured.</p><p class="p1">The host, known for his less than savory antics, yanked at her tail, which made her yelp.</p><p class="p1">“So, is it real?”</p><p class="p1">She hadn’t even known that it had been him, but when she realized, she froze. Total fox in the headlights moment.</p><p class="p1">“I—I mean—I—”</p><p class="p1">She turned back to Evelynn because she didn’t know what else to do, but the only feedback she received was her face contorting into unbridled rage.</p><p class="p1">“Do you go up to every girl and grab their tits to ask them if they’re real?”</p><p class="p1">“Uh…excuse me?”</p><p class="p1">“You just fucking sexually harassed this <em>underaged</em> girl in front of your entire crew—” Evelynn raised her voice so it was just under a yell but loud enough for it to echo in the studio, “—and <em>no one cares!</em>”</p><p class="p1">Ahri immediately wanted to die from embarrassment.</p><p class="p1">“You don’t fucking yank on parts of girls bodies, asshole. What don’t you get about that?”</p><p class="p1">Needless to say, Evelynn’s spot on the variety show was canceled.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">After the flurry of activity needed to escort Evelynn out and everything else on top of that, Ahri was feeling emotionally raw—even more so than she had before.</p><p class="p1">The comebacks always took a toll on her. Performance after performance after interview after interview.</p><p class="p1">The interviews were the worst, though. Somewhere along the way, it’d gotten harder to suppress how she actually felt and thought, and so, having to lie day in and day out was exhausting. And, she hated herself for it.</p><p class="p1">She appreciated Evelynn’s defiance in her defense, but God—things were so much easier if you just shut up and sat down. Sure, it hurt, but then, no one would be mad at you, and no one could find fault with you.</p><p class="p1">That was what she told herself when she sat in front of the mirror in her dorm room and stared at herself. Even this felt like a method of self-harm because over-analyzing her appearance made everything that much worse.</p><p class="p1">(<em>Am I not acting cute enough? Am I not smiling enough? Did I gain weight since the last weight in? Are my songs not good enough?</em>)</p><p class="p1">They wouldn’t even let her release her own songs, which depressed her more than anything. She wanted to be an artist because she loved music and she loved <em>creating</em> music, but they kept taking away her notebooks, kept discouraging her from singing original works on live streams. The only thing she was allowed to sing that weren’t her own official tracks were covers.</p><p class="p1">Things were really bad, and they were not getting better.</p><p class="p1">She wanted so badly to destroy this mirror, to throw it on the ground and watch it shatter. Watch herself shatter.</p><p class="p1">Then, it would feel just how she did while looking into it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">She wasn’t sure what got into her, but it wasn’t a thought that hadn’t occurred to her before.</p><p class="p1">There was this huge mirror in the main dance studio, a mirror on wheels. You could move it around so people could rehearse while seeing themselves at different angles.</p><p class="p1">One day, Ahri was practicing a dance for a new comeback. She was alone because it was midnight or maybe one in the morning or something. She was the only one with a comeback approaching at the time, which explained the lack of people.</p><p class="p1">She kept getting a part wrong, kept getting a part wrong, kept getting a part wrong over and over again.</p><p class="p1">Her brain had said, (<em>What the fuck, what the fuck, why can’t you do this, why can’t you do this?</em>)</p><p class="p1">She stopped and dropped to the floor. She grabbed her head and shook it and swore she couldn’t take it anymore.</p><p class="p1">But, she did this a lot when she was alone, so she got back up and tried the routine again. And…she did worse that time.</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t she keep up? She’d done more complex choreography in the past. And, she’d already stayed after hours in the studio several nights in a row. It wasn’t fair.</p><p class="p1">Her comeback was in less than a week, and she was still fucking up. That wasn’t good. She’d never been this shoddy before.</p><p class="p1">She was going to get yelled at. She was going to be dropped from her label. She was going to get more antis. She was going to…</p><p class="p1">Something in her snapped.</p><p class="p1">She flipped around and smashed her fist into the mirror, the one on wheels.</p><p class="p1">She only thought she fucked up her hand. Her knuckles and fingers were bleeding and pretty badly, too. She was stunned by her own actions.</p><p class="p1">Which was why she didn’t notice that she’d punched it so hard that it slammed against the back wall. It was enough force to tip it forward.</p><p class="p1">The rest of the mirror and the wooden backing fell on her.</p><p class="p1">She screamed, but no one heard her.</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t until the next morning that they found her.</p><p class="p1">The girls who were due for rehearsal screamed, but there were people around to hear them this time. There was so much blood. She’d almost died.</p><p class="p1">Ahri didn’t even get the chance to explain herself. To this day, the only people who know the truth are Akali, Kai’sa, and Evelynn,</p><p class="p1">But, Evelynn knew the worst of it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ahri woke up in a hospital bed shivering. She had no idea how she’d gotten there. But, everything hurt so fucking bad.</p><p class="p1">The worst part was that she was alone. There was no one else around. Not her manager, not her friends, not anybody. She didn’t even really know what happened. Her brain was too fuzzy.</p><p class="p1">After a few minutes, she realized she must have been on pain killers because she was majorly confused. That probably explained why her memory was shot.</p><p class="p1">She had no idea how long she sat there staring at the wall, but she was snapped out of it by someone appearing in the doorway.</p><p class="p1">“Babe, what happened to you?”</p><p class="p1">“E-Eve…?”</p><p class="p1">She took the chair in the side of the room and slid it over. She was absolutely beside herself.</p><p class="p1">“God, what the fuck happened?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri looked at her hand, which she just noticed was wrapped up in bandages.</p><p class="p1">“I fucked up,” she murmured.</p><p class="p1">“<em>You</em> fucked up? How the hell could you get this way just by yourself?”</p><p class="p1">“Punched a mirror.”</p><p class="p1">“And, what, it fell on you? You’ve got to be kidding me.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, it did.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">They sat there in silence. Usually, Ahri would be quick to keep up the conversation, but she was too fucked up from the medication to have anything useful to say. Luckily, Eve continued.</p><p class="p1">“If that’s the case, why?”</p><p class="p1">Why indeed. Ahri wasn’t sure herself.</p><p class="p1">“I guess everything just got to me. I have a comeback scheduled for next week, but obviously, that’s not going to happen now.”</p><p class="p1">“Jesus Christ, Ahri. If you were having such a bad time, you could have just talked to me.”</p><p class="p1">How could she explain that just talking wouldn’t do anything? This was way more than just a ‘talk it out’ situation. This was something way more deep-seated. Something that had been in her head before she even thought about being a singer. She was always so perfectionistic that nothing could ever be done correctly. Unless it was a hundred percent mark on a test, nothing could ever convince her that she’d done things right.</p><p class="p1">But, that was the problem with living, wasn’t it? No one is perfect. No one can be the theoretical “best.” It was just her stupid fucking head that made her do stupid fucking things.</p><p class="p1">“I appreciate you, Eve. But, it’s not like that.”</p><p class="p1">“Then, what is it like?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri looked at her and Evelynn looked back with such a sad face that she was sure she was going to die.</p><p class="p1">“I just—I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m <em>not</em> happy. I’m <em>not</em> my concept. I can’t take it anymore.”</p><p class="p1">Eve took her hand.</p><p class="p1">“Babe. You need to quit.”</p><p class="p1">“Huh?”</p><p class="p1">“Your agency is killing you. You don’t want to be there. You don’t want to be doing what you’re doing. As much as this is horrible, it’s a turning point. You can take things back into your own hands.”</p><p class="p1">“My…own hands…?”</p><p class="p1">She brushed some of her hair behind her ear.</p><p class="p1">“I know you. You’re so passionate about music, but they won’t let you do anything. They won’t let you write. Hell, they barely even let you play piano or guitar. You can’t live like that. You can’t be constantly fed stupid shit you don’t believe in.”</p><p class="p1">“But, I—”</p><p class="p1">“If nothing else, this was your cry for help. A cry for a change. You wouldn’t have done it if you were satisfied with your work and career.”</p><p class="p1">The way she’s talking makes it sound like she’d tried to kill herself.</p><p class="p1">“But, I—”</p><p class="p1">“Since I met you, you’ve only been getting worse. More and more withdrawn. Less able to fake it. I thought you were full of shit when I met you, but you’re super full of shit now. Watching you accept awards has been embarrassing lately.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri cringed.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry, that was mean. It’s just that you’re not fooling anyone. If you think you can’t take it anymore, then you really, <em>really</em> can’t take it anymore.”</p><p class="p1">She was getting more and more despondent. Leaving her agency would be such a piece of work. Coasting would be so much easier.</p><p class="p1">“I can’t, Eve.”</p><p class="p1">“You can’t what?”</p><p class="p1">“I can’t just quit. It’d ruin my entire life.”</p><p class="p1">“Would it? Or, would it give you time to figure out what you really want?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri never managed to figure out what she really wanted, but she felt thankful that Eve convinced her to drop her label.</p><p class="p1">If she didn’t, Ahri was sure she would have died.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 야간</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things are a bit more interesting when your roommate is a succubus.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>야간 "yagan" = nighttime</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Opening her eyes felt like literal torture.</p><p class="p1">It was their one day off in something like four weeks, and Ahri woke up again at 5:45 in the fucking morning. She groaned, squinting at her phone screen before shoving it under her pillow and rolling over.</p><p class="p1">She was so exhausted. Just so totally exhausted. Taxed both physically and emotionally. The comeback, the interviews, <em>that</em> interview, the stream, the fight—</p><p class="p1">Ugh, so stupid. She hated snapping at people, hated fighting with the girls. Ahri had the propensity to lash inward, but even the most self-composed people have their moments. It was just the same thing over and over.</p><p class="p1">(<em>I wish people would stop worrying about me.</em>)</p><p class="p1">Of course, she understood why they would be on her case. Her mood had been visibly lower compared to how she was before their comeback, but that was her cycle. Their debut had been such a whirlwind, everyone had good things to say about them, and they barely had time to think during those months. But, this time, the pace was slower, and as the doubts began creeping in, so did her depression.</p><p class="p1">Major Depressive Disorder. That’s what they had diagnosed her with all the way back then. And, like most chronic illnesses, it didn’t just go away. When it wasn’t poking around in her brain, it sat back and waited. It knew there would always be another moment to strike. Suck away some of the good neurotransmitters, flood her with the bad. Switch contentment with anxiety. Switch boredom with melancholy.</p><p class="p1">Depression made her tired, made her isolate, made her irritable, made her not hungry, made her sleep too much. Back then, they had put her on medication, but it didn’t really help. She wondered absently if she should try again, but the idea felt so taxing. And, now that the press was back on her tail, there would be a good chance the news would get out. She didn’t need another thing for the internet to go buck wild with.</p><p class="p1">Sometimes she wished she could cry about it, but her sadness didn’t feel like grief. It felt numbing. It felt striking. A striking pain in her chest. She should be angry at the antis and the press, but her mind always redirected her thoughts back to herself.</p><p class="p1">(Crying felt like dozens of little pieces of glass stabbing into her skin.)</p><p class="p1">Her eyes opened and stared at the dark ceiling. She didn’t like where her thoughts were going. It was always like this. Therapists had told her over and over that pushing disturbing thoughts away only made everything worse, but Ahri honestly believed she couldn’t handle thinking about things that bothered her. She couldn’t think about how it used to be. She couldn’t think about how things were now. She just had to push and push and push and keep going and <em>keep going</em>, and—</p><p class="p1">“Babe.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri gasped, shooting upright, clutching the bedsheets to her chest. Eve hung in the doorway that connected her room to the communal area.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, sorry. I thought you saw me.”</p><p class="p1">The sun hadn’t risen yet, so her eyes were the only light in the room. Ahri breathed heavily, her fight or flight instincts misfiring.</p><p class="p1">(Another thing various therapists had told her was, when you’ve been in a constant state of anxiety since you were young, your physiological reactions to things become disproportionate to the actual threat. They’d offered her medications for her anxiety—more specifically benzodiazepines—but if anyone found out she was taking them, she’d be canceled forever. So, she opted not to.)</p><p class="p1">“No—I didn’t. Sorry.”</p><p class="p1">It’s like the laws of physics didn’t apply to her. Evelynn glided along the carpet as if it was ice before sitting on the bed next to her. They were face to face, and Ahri didn’t know what else to do but stare.</p><p class="p1">“It’s rare that you throw a fit,” she said, voice low and soft like velvet.</p><p class="p1">“Huh? Throw a…fit?”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s presence was already having an effect on her. She clearly had come in with her guns blazing. Ahri turned away and looked at the blanket bunched around her legs.</p><p class="p1">“It’s even rarer that you talk back to me.” She could hear the smile on her words.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. I was in a mood, but I feel better after sleeping,” Ahri lied.</p><p class="p1">“Is that so?”</p><p class="p1">Eve reached up and scratched behind her ear. Ahri giggled and slapped her hand away, breathing out a high pitched, “Stop it.”</p><p class="p1">She hummed pleasantly before continuing. “You stuff all your feelings down inside yourself. You always have. So, when you lash out—it’s weird.”</p><p class="p1">“S-Sorry—I…”</p><p class="p1">Ahri turned back, and their gaze connected.</p><p class="p1">“Stop saying sorry.”</p><p class="p1">Her breath was taken from her, so she had to inhale deeply to say, “Okay.”</p><p class="p1">Her will was diminishing. Eve was using her powers on her. Ahri looked down at her lap again.</p><p class="p1">“I hate when you act like nothing’s wrong. You’re always like this.”</p><p class="p1">“I know. But, you know how I am. I’m just feeling down again. It happens.” She shrugged.</p><p class="p1">“That’s why we want to help. Why <em>I</em> want to help.” Eve brushed a strand of hair behind her shoulder, and it made her shudder.</p><p class="p1">“Y-Yeah. I know. But, I feel bad—forcing that on you guys.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s not how it works, hon.”</p><p class="p1">(<em>Tell my stupid fucking brain that.</em>)</p><p class="p1">“I know.”</p><p class="p1">“If you need help just fucking say something.”</p><p class="p1">(<em>It feels better to shut down. It’s easier, and then, no one can hate me.</em>)</p><p class="p1">“Ahri.”</p><p class="p1">Her head popped up, and their eyes locked again. She couldn’t respond. She could only stare.</p><p class="p1">“Yes?”</p><p class="p1">Eve’s solemn expression disappeared, and she laughed.</p><p class="p1">“What?” Ahri couldn’t help but be embarrassed.</p><p class="p1">“You’re just,” she paused to giggle again, “really cute.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">She could always tell when Eve was trying to get something out of her. It was a familiar feeling at this point, the way giddiness bubbled in her chest when her eyes narrowed and glowed a brilliant golden color.</p><p class="p1">“Stop…charming me.”</p><p class="p1">Eve purred, “Why? So you can keep hiding?” A clawed hand rested on her thigh, the only barrier between it and her skin being a thin bedsheet. Ahri shivered. “So you can keep drowning in self-pity? Is that really what you want, babe?”</p><p class="p1">It’d been so long since Eve had done something like this that she’d forgotten how to put up her walls. She had to look away again because if she didn’t, she was sure she’d kiss her.</p><p class="p1">(Stuck in a place between the space of heart and mind.)</p><p class="p1">“Eve…”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s other hand took her by the chin and forced their eyes to meet. Ahri clenched her eyes shut.</p><p class="p1">“Look at me, baby.”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t like she could say no, especially not when she was helpless to resist the way she spoke to her. Her eyes opened.</p><p class="p1">“Eve,” she murmured again.</p><p class="p1">“Yes?”</p><p class="p1">Her lips parted just slightly, just enough so a breath could flutter out. “You always…do this.”</p><p class="p1">“Do what?”</p><p class="p1">It was so embarrassing, but with all these feelings in her chest, she couldn’t help but say it.</p><p class="p1">“Make me weak…”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, yeah?” Her smile had a mischievous tinge to it. “I can make you weak?”</p><p class="p1">“S-Stop it. You know what you’re doing.”</p><p class="p1">“Charm me back then.”</p><p class="p1">“No. I don’t do that anymore.”</p><p class="p1">“So, then, you’re just going to let me do whatever I want?”</p><p class="p1">“N-No…I…”</p><p class="p1">Her thumb ran softly along her bottom lip.</p><p class="p1">“What is it you want, baby?”</p><p class="p1">Vision blurry, body heavy, lost for words. There wasn’t any breath left in her lungs.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Hah…</em>”</p><p class="p1">Maybe that was why she leaned forward and their lips caught.</p><p class="p1">Eve always would hum when she got her way. She loved when people gave into her, but it was especially rewarding when it was <em>her.</em> Ahri knew that. Although she didn’t like to think about it much, she knew there was something between them. There always had been, and it wasn’t just Eve’s powers. They both knew that.</p><p class="p1">It was a good excuse to avoid the subject, though.</p><p class="p1">(The only thing more terrifying than being honest with the public was being honest with herself.)</p><p class="p1">Ahri wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her closer, letting Eve fit perfectly together with her. It was always difficult to tell if the firecrackers that went off behind her eyes were natural or if they were intensified by her hold on her. Either way, it made her brain hum with static, made her forget about anything else. She wouldn’t even have to be goaded to open her mouth, she just did it, and Eve would take her over, and her back hit the mattress, and she moaned, and—</p><p class="p1">Ahri pushed her away.</p><p class="p1">“S-Stop.”</p><p class="p1">Eve had her palms resting on the bed on either side of her shoulders, looking down at her with her eyes that glowed like suns. She quirked an eyebrow.</p><p class="p1">“Stop what?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt like she was going to die.</p><p class="p1">“This isn’t…” She closed her eyes again. “Not right now. I’m…this isn’t…”</p><p class="p1">God, she wished she could get ahold of herself.</p><p class="p1">“If you insist.” She flopped down beside her, taking her in her arms and pulling Ahri into her chest. Ahri squeaked. “Can I hold you?”</p><p class="p1">“I-I guess.”</p><p class="p1">She felt herself begin to shiver.</p><p class="p1">“Are you cold?”</p><p class="p1">“A little.”</p><p class="p1">Eve pulled the comforter up from the foot of the bed and wrapped them both in it, nuzzling into her blonde hair.</p><p class="p1">“Better?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah.” Ahri sighed, feeling exhaustion take her over again. It probably had nothing to do with the arms wrapped around her waist and the breath against her neck. No, she was just tired. That was probably all there was to it. Definitely.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ahri woke up to her phone ringing.</p><p class="p1">She groaned, opening her eyes, only to be greeted by a beam of sun flashing directly in them. Putting a hand over her face, she fished for her phone from under the pillow and pressed it to her face.</p><p class="p1">“Hello?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Hey, Ahri-unnie! It’s Seraphine!</em>”</p><p class="p1">Her voice was too loud and high pitched for just having been asleep.</p><p class="p1">“Hey.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Oh, shoot. Did I wake you up? I don’t know your guys’ schedule.</em>”</p><p class="p1">That was when she felt an arm slip off her, which reminded her that she wasn’t alone. Ahri looked behind her to see Evenlynn roll over and yank the duvet up over her head. Slowly, Ahri snuck out of bed and tip-toed into the other room.</p><p class="p1">“No, no, it’s okay.” She sat on the couch in the communal area and looked at the clock on the wall. It was around noon. “Sorry, it’s just our day off, so I was sleeping in.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Good to hear! You guys deserve it.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Seraphine was technically part of their comeback, but she didn’t usually accompany them to interviews unless it was for a variety show. The performance they had coming up would feature her, though, considering they couldn’t do their single without her. Well, they could, but it’d be weird.</p><p class="p1">“You do, too,” Ahri smiled. “How are you doing?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>I’m good! Been busy doing some writing, doing some streams. The usual.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah…” Oh, God. The stream. She’d been so preoccupied with being upset over her outburst that she forgot how much of a mess she’d been. And, even though it was their day off, management would probably have them do another one, especially since the last one had been so short.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ah…yeah, I just called to see how you were doing.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine,” she lied. The way the cheerfulness left her voice didn’t help her cause.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Right. Um, I’m sorry the press has been all over you lately. That’s tough, especially since we all know how hard you worked to prepare for the comeback and all.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Seraphine was a sweetheart. She’d recruited her for their single after hearing her cover of POP/STARS, but more than that, she reminded her of herself—if she’d stayed indie, if she hadn’t signed with a company. Ahri also used to make music in her bedroom, mostly with a guitar and piano and less with the electronic instrumentation, so seeing Seraphine so full of joy struck something in her chest. She wanted to give her an opportunity before someone with more dubious intentions came along.</p><p class="p1">Also, her voice was crazy good. Hey, she couldn’t deny that aspect of it either.</p><p class="p1">Her commitment to MORE was amazing, and also, she added a mellow aspect to their high-strung quartet. It was much needed when Ahri started to get frustrated, and Eve would get grumpy, and Akali would get hyperactive, and Kai’sa would zone out. She had a level head, even in stressful situations. Ahri really appreciated that.</p><p class="p1">She sighed, “It’s all part of the job. I’m used to it now.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>It’s still not fun, though. I can imagine you’re stressed. So, if you need anyone to—I just want to make sure you know I’m here for you.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Another person pitying her. She wished she could just disappear.</p><p class="p1">“Thank you, Sera. That’s really sweet of you. I promise, I’m getting tons of support from the other girls, so everything should be okay.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ah, perfect! Well, I’ll be seeing you at dress tomorrow, so we can talk more then.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Awesome. See you.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Bye, Ahri. Take care.</em>”</p><p class="p1">When she hit the end button, she groaned, flopping down onto the cushions.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">She brushed away the fog that had formed on the mirror and looked at herself. It didn’t help that the condensation made her reflection look blurry. Ahri felt like her eyes were blurry, too.</p><p class="p1">Mirror, mirror on the wall. Could it predict her inevitable fall?</p><p class="p1">Her hand itched sometimes. The impulse to break glass. Do it all over again. Make a scene. But, she couldn’t. That wasn’t the deal. The deal was to deal.</p><p class="p1">And, anyway, in the mirror, she could see the tiny little scars that had dulled over the years. On her arms and on her back. She had one right where her jawbone ended and her neck began. Ever-present reminders that she couldn’t give in to what her dumb fucking brain whispered in her ears.</p><p class="p1">There was a knock on the door.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, Ahri, open up. I need to piss.”</p><p class="p1">She unlocked the door, and Eve stood there, her sunglasses already on and her lavender hair mussed up. Ahri hadn’t noticed last night, but she wore dirty sweatpants and a vintage t-shirt with the collar cut out. On the other hand, Ahri wore a towel. It didn’t bother either of them considering being in various states of undress was the norm when they had to do fast costume changes backstage.</p><p class="p1">Eve sat on the toilet and put her head in her hands as Ahri combed her hair.</p><p class="p1">“God, I wish someone would extinguish the fucking sun already.”</p><p class="p1">“Then, everyone would die.”</p><p class="p1">“Good.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri giggled, separating sections of her hair so she could braid it. Her pessimism was funny to her, considering it was somehow expressly different than her own.</p><p class="p1">“Who was on the phone?”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, it was Sera.”</p><p class="p1">“What did she want?”</p><p class="p1">“Just checking in. You know how much of a sweetheart she is.”</p><p class="p1">“Right.” She stood, flushing the toilet with her foot before shoving Ahri over to wash her hands, which got another giggle out of her. Eve quirked an eyebrow. “You’re in a good mood.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri looked at Eve’s reflection in the mirror, unable to see her eyes through her glasses.</p><p class="p1">“It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep and a cup of coffee can do.”</p><p class="p1">“Speaking of which,” she moved to lean in the doorway, “let’s go out today. Get coffee. Shop. Then, if we have to stream we can look like we’re doing something fun.”</p><p class="p1">It had been a while since they just had time for themselves. As much as things had been weighing on her lately, the idea didn’t strike her as awful. Maybe she could pretend like they didn’t have to start the grind again tomorrow.</p><p class="p1">“Sure. That sounds nice.”</p><p class="p1">“Cool. Now get out, I have to shower, too.”</p><p class="p1">Another giggle bubbled out of her as Eve shoved her out the door and slammed it shut. She was thankful for her in that way. Evelynn always knew how to cheer her up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 커피</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evelynn has control issues. Ahri has lack-of-control issues.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>커피 "keopi" = coffee</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“We look awesome.”</p><p class="p1">That they did.</p><p class="p1">Sometimes they liked to be extra and wear coordinated outfits, sort of like they were going to be on set or something. It was just something fun to do, and they liked how the paparazzi shots looked. Ahri though it was cute, but she figured Eve liked it more because it implied some level of ownership. Dress up her cute little fox to look just like her.</p><p class="p1">Ahri didn’t mind in the slightest.</p><p class="p1">They wore skirts (Ahri’s black and Eve’s plaid) and button-ups. Ahri’s was white with the Chanel logo in black on the front and unbuttoned to reveal a matching Chanel camisole. Eve’s shirt was black and unbuttoned so you could see some of her cleavage. While Ahri’s skirt was only belted at the waist, Eve wore a belt that was also a harness and went around her shoulders.</p><p class="p1">“We always look awesome,” Eve hummed pleasantly, adjusting her sunglasses.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2">They sat in a secluded corner of their favorite coffee shop.</p><p class="p1">There was nothing else she’d rather do than hang out with Evelynn, but for some reason, she wanted to be in her sweats, curled up in bed, watching videos on her phone. But, why?</p><p class="p1">(<em>Have fun. Have fun. Why aren’t you having fun?</em>)</p><p class="p1">Her coffee stared back at her so intensely that she could almost see her reflection in it. She couldn’t break coffee, though. Sure, she could throw the mug to the floor and it would shatter, but she would still be able to see herself in the spilled liquid.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri.”</p><p class="p1">“Hm?”</p><p class="p1">Eve was scrolling through her phone, not even bothering to look up.</p><p class="p1">“You’re acting strange.”</p><p class="p1">“Huh?”</p><p class="p1">“Anything you want to talk about?”</p><p class="p1">She was sending a message or a tweet by the way her claws tapped on the screen.</p><p class="p1">“Not really,” she said, defeated. But, why was she defeated? It was over nothing. She should have been happy, should have been having fun. Why wasn’t she having fun?</p><p class="p1">“Mm-hmm.”</p><p class="p1">Eve wanted her to talk—to spill her metaphorical guts out, but that was her worst fear. To be honest. To be seen for who she was and not how she presented herself. She didn’t want to think about herself, so she didn’t want anyone else to think about her either.</p><p class="p1">She didn't want people to think anything of her unless it was about how perfect she was.</p><p class="p1"><em>Haha</em>. Perfect. Like she’d ever been.</p><p class="p1">Still, the words spilled out. It was almost like she couldn’t help it.</p><p class="p1">“I feel like a hypocrite.”</p><p class="p1">Eve looked up from her phone. The only change in her expression was the way her lips parted just a bit.</p><p class="p1">“Oh?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri wrapped her hands around her mug of black coffee. The porcelain was hot, but it felt good in a way. Eve had insisted she get something nicer than drip, but she never really was a fan of hot milk.</p><p class="p1">Her gaze sunk into the dark liquid again.</p><p class="p1">“I release a song about being yourself—about overcoming hardship—and I can’t even do those things for myself.”</p><p class="p1">Eve sat her phone next to her own drink. A dark pink ice tea with a slice of lemon.</p><p class="p1">“What are you talking about?”</p><p class="p1">Her voice was quiet when she sang under her breath, “<em>I’ll show you what I’m made of/rise to the occasion/got fears but I’ll face them…</em>” She frowned deeper. “Sometimes I can do that. I’ve come back from a lot. But, there are other times where I…”</p><p class="p1">This was her attempt at opening up, at asking for help. She had finally given into Eve, and she hadn’t even needed to be charmed. She was whipped, certainly.</p><p class="p1">When Ahri placed a hand on the table, Eve placed hers on top of it.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not like you can choose when you get depressed.”</p><p class="p1">That was true, but she was aware of her triggers, and she should have been fighting against them instead of letting them swallow her up.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, I know. I feel guilty, though. I’m telling all these people to never give up, and here I am.”</p><p class="p1">(<em>Ready to give up.</em>)</p><p class="p1">She continued, “The thing I hated most about being solo was I always had to lie and act like someone I wasn’t. And, even now, I’m still showing people someone I’m not. Disingenuous doesn’t begin to cut it.”</p><p class="p1">“You were trained from a young age to internalize problems and fall back on a persona. That’s not something you can easily stop.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah…”</p><p class="p1">“Why don’t you try writing songs that feel more genuine? You don’t have to show them to anybody. It might help.”</p><p class="p1">Genuine. Honest. Things she desperately wanted to be but was terrified to embrace.</p><p class="p1">Eve spoke up again.</p><p class="p1">“Although, I don’t think you’re been deceptive. Even though you may sound triumphant in your track, the video clearly shows that you’re bothered by something fundamental. You told me yourself when you were writing up the treatment. Remember?”</p><p class="p1">That Ahri felt so distant, felt almost as far back as Teen Pop Idol Ahri. The memory was disconnected and disjointed. She remembered how she felt—excited if not nervous to share a part of her story. Now, sharing parts of her story with anyone felt crushing. Eve knew so much about her, and Ahri rarely kept secrets, and yet, she felt trapped by nothing in particular.</p><p class="p1">Different time. Different Ahri.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. That feels so long ago, now. That person doesn’t even feel like…me.”</p><p class="p1">Eve stared at her through her sunglasses. Most people wouldn’t be able to tell that she was upset. Ahri could only tell because they’d known each other for so long. She was clenching her jaw which made her ears rise a bit and her face thin out.</p><p class="p1">She took off her sunglasses. Slowly, she took a fork and cut off a piece of the tart she'd bought, making sure there was a big piece of fruit on it—a strawberry.</p><p class="p1">“Open wide, darling.”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t like she could say no to Eve and her piercing eyes.</p><p class="p1">Being fed something sweet and decadent by her felt almost as intimate as kissing, and the subtle sourness of the fruit contrasted with the cloying sweetness of the pastry made her feel weak.</p><p class="p1">“Mmm…” she practically moaned, closing her eyes and focusing on how it felt in her mouth.</p><p class="p1">“Does it taste good?”</p><p class="p1">She nodded, “Mm-hmm.”</p><p class="p1">“Good.”</p><p class="p1">Unlike being suddenly struck with some variation of lust which was often the case when Eve used her powers, she really did feel good all of the sudden. In a halo. Almost tipsy.</p><p class="p1">Ahri giggled, opening her eyes again. Eve’s glasses were back on.</p><p class="p1">“Thanks for releasing all my dopamine,” she said sarcastically. “Let’s just go do some coke, too, to really hit it home.”</p><p class="p1">A smile flickered onto Eve’s face. She enjoyed it when Ahri was slightly compromised. Ahri liked it, too. Maybe that was why they were so compatible. Eve enjoyed control, and Ahri desperately wanted to give hers up. Being responsible for everything all the time was so taxing. Being taken care of in any way, shape, or form felt magical.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t sell me short. There was probably serotonin involved, too.”</p><p class="p1">“Ah, I suppose you’re right.”</p><p class="p1">There were a few ticks of silence.</p><p class="p1">“Have you ever thought of trying medication again? As much as I enjoy messing with you, I’d rather not have to do it for medicinal purposes.”</p><p class="p1">Only because she felt floaty could she acknowledge that Eve was flirting with her. She wanted to mess with her for other reasons. It made her face hot to think about.</p><p class="p1">“I-I have thought about it. But, I don’t even know where to start. And, starting new medication while still promoting? I don’t think that’s a good idea.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s a good point. When we get a break, then. I can help you out.”</p><p class="p1">“Sure,” she smiled. “That would be…nice.”</p><p class="p1">Even hidden behind dark sunglasses, Ahri could tell Evelynn was pleased. She always liked to get her way, after all.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ahri pressed the ‘go live’ button.</p><p class="p1">“Eve, would you like to explain what we’re doing?”</p><p class="p1">They walked down the busy streets of Seoul with Ahri holding her phone so both of them were in the shot.</p><p class="p1">“No,” she said matter-of-factly.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, you’re no fun.” She turned back to the camera. “We’re out on our day off.” Her voice had a musical quality to it, probably because she actually felt happy and wasn’t just pretending to be for her viewers.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; god y’all look great</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; matching outfits again</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; we stan some lesbian queens</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; we want MORE ahrynn</p><p class="p1">Ahri flushed. It wasn’t like there wasn’t truth to that statement, but it always embarrassed her when Blades brought up their close “friendship.” It wasn’t like they avoided being affectionate in public, but Ahri wasn’t really ready to accept that she was broadcasting an intimate part of herself to the entire world.</p><p class="p1">“We just got some coffee, and now we’re going to do some shopping.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; that chanel top is amazing</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; so cute</p><p class="p1">“Oh, thank you. Eve picked out this outfit for me. I like it a lot.”</p><p class="p1">One side of Eve’s mouth quirked up for just a moment.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; she’s got your taste down to a science</p><p class="p1">“<em>We’ve got the timing right down to a science</em>.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; guess that tune?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; easy, allie x</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. You guys are good.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; electropop queen</p><p class="p1">Ahri turned to Eve. “Hey, you have to say something.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t.”</p><p class="p1">“Ah, Eve’s being difficult again.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; don’t worry her presence is enough</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; step on me mommy</p><p class="p1">“See that? They want you to step on them.”</p><p class="p1">“Get in line.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; kkkkkkkkkk<br/>
<br/>
&gt;&gt; eve’s so funny</p><p class="p1">She smiled at the camera but felt a stab through her heart. People just seemed to appreciate Eve and her bad attitude more than her and her good one. Eve barely got any negative press now that it was established that she didn’t give a fuck.</p><p class="p1">Ahri wondered how she could get herself to not give a fuck.</p><p class="p1">“Eve <em>is</em> so funny.” She wrapped a hand around her waist and pulled her towards her body, which caused Evelynn to stumble. “I need to learn from her.”</p><p class="p1">Eve shot her a look that could translate even through her sunglasses.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; can u imagine badass ahri who flies of the handle?? would stan<br/>
<br/>
&gt;&gt; no i can’t kkkkk</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; ahri’s just boring she can’t help it</p><p class="p1">She laughed nervously. “You don’t have to be mean about it.”</p><p class="p1">Eve ripped the phone out of her hands and read the chat. Her eyebrows furrowed.</p><p class="p1">“Why the fuck are you all so awful to her?”</p><p class="p1">“Eve, you don’t have to—”</p><p class="p1">“If you don’t like Ahri but you like me, you don’t actually like me. Got it?”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; yes queen</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; of course we all love ahri</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; i dont kkkkk</p><p class="p1">“Well, fuck you, then. I’ll ban you myself.” Which she did.</p><p class="p1">“Eve, please…”</p><p class="p1">“If I ever see a negative comment about her again in our LLive’s, I’ll stop appearing on them entirely.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; noooooooo you can’t!!!</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; bro she’s serious as shit damn</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; ahrynn still sailing</p><p class="p1">“Fuck off.”</p><p class="p1">She ended the stream, and Ahri felt the air sitting on her much too heavily.</p><p class="p1">“You don’t have to stand up for me like that.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn was angry now. She shoved her phone back in her hand.</p><p class="p1">“You let people walk all over you. I’m sick of it.”</p><p class="p1">“Sorry that everyone can’t be like you, Eve.”</p><p class="p1">This time, her anger flipped on her, similarly to how she flipped around and started walking in the other direction.</p><p class="p1">“I’m done. We’re going home.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt like a child being disciplined when she also turned and speed-walked to catch up with her.</p><p class="p1">“No, I-I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“Stop saying sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” she murmured, looking at the concrete of the sidewalk. “But, I am. Can’t we stay out?”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn stayed silent, and she didn’t stop walking. She didn’t say anything until they made it to the parking garage and her car unlocked with a <em>beep.</em></p><p class="p1">“I can’t help you if you aren’t willing to help yourself.”</p><p class="p1">That hit much too hard. Especially because she knew she didn’t have the willpower to help herself. Just like before. Maybe Evelynn knew that, too—saw it in her—saw her determination slipping. Maybe she shouldn’t have opened up to her at all.</p><p class="p1">They got in the car. Their ride home was tensely silent.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. 설탕</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ahri is in denial about being in denial.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>설탕 "seoltang" = sugar</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">She woke up feeling off.</p><p class="p1">Most days, she could snap out of it. Sure, some bad thoughts lingered around throughout the day, but she barely ever woke up feeling <em>sick</em>. Like she couldn’t move. Like the idea of continuing on felt impossible. Her body was so heavy, she swore she could become one with the mattress.</p><p class="p1">The good news was she didn’t have to do her makeup or hair herself because they’d get done at the studio for dress and blocking. Plus, the five of them had to film an interview, so their outfits would be provided for them, too. All she had to do was shower and wake the fuck up.</p><p class="p1">Ahri sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the carpet. It felt a million miles away. Her thoughts were simultaneously all over the place and the hum of white noise. A thumb stroked the back of her right hand, over the raised lines on her knuckles and fingers. The only thing she wanted to do was lay back down and sleep the day away, but she couldn’t do that. She had to…get up.</p><p class="p1">Her body was so heavy. The hot water of the shower felt distant and piercing at the same time. The steam felt like it was clouding her head. At some point, she became lost in the repetitive sensation, in the continuous sound of running water. It wasn’t until she began to feel overheated that she came back to life. Her cheeks were wet but she wasn’t sure if it was from the shower.</p><p class="p1">She blowdried her hair, slipped into some blue jeans and a white cable-knit sweater. She needed coffee badly.</p><p class="p1">Nobody else was up yet when she walked into their kitchen suite just off of the living room. She looked at her phone. It was just past six. They didn’t need to be up for another hour or so. Ahri wasn’t sure why she didn’t sleep more, especially because she felt so shitty. Maybe she was afraid that if she fell back asleep, she wouldn’t be able to get back up.</p><p class="p1">The coffee pot hissed and popped as it woke up, angry at being disturbed. <em>Too bad</em>, she thought back just as angrily, getting a filter and the bag of grounds from the cupboard. She never measured out the correct amount, just dumped a large mound that would make it as strong and bitter as she liked it. She wanted her coffee to be either the shitty and weak kind you find at offices and diners or so strong that it made her hair stand on end.</p><p class="p1">The mug was hot when she held it in her hands, positioned so it was just barely touching her lips. If she were wearing her glasses, they would have steamed up. Still, the smell was nice. And, when she finally took a sip, it felt good. Very little gave her a shot of endorphins anymore besides when Eve willed it, but caffeine still managed to warm up her chest.</p><p class="p1">(A thought came back up that she had been tossing around for a while. She adored Eve so much, but every time she charmed her, it probably forced out what little of the Good Chemicals she had, and then, once it wore off, she was left with nothing again. Ahri understood that she was just trying to help, but there was also selfishness in that desire to help. Make her happy for a few split seconds so Eve could get the satisfaction of having control over her. But, she also knew that if she tried to bring this up, she would get defensive. It wasn’t worth another argument.)</p><p class="p1">She’d been so lost in thought that she hadn’t heard a door open. Hadn’t heard someone getting closer. Hadn’t heard her name being called.</p><p class="p1">But, she did feel a hand being placed on her shoulder.</p><p class="p1">Ahri gasped. The mug slipped from her hands. It shattered into a million pieces.</p><p class="p1">“Holy shit! Ahri, what the hell?”</p><p class="p1">She hissed and leaped out of the puddle of hot coffee and onto the carpet. “Ow, ow, ow—<em>shit—</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”</p><p class="p1">She put a hand to her face and shook it, confused and disoriented. She felt tears prick her eyes. Small hands landed on her shoulders.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri, say something. Are you okay?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri blinked herself back into the present only to find Akali staring back at her with wide, horrified eyes. Her hair was thrown up in a wild ponytail on the side of her head.</p><p class="p1">“‘Kali…”</p><p class="p1">“Dude, you scared the shit out of me.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri could feel that her eyes were wide, too. She didn’t know how to respond—how to speak up. Something between her brain and her mouth had become disconnected. She sniffed and rubbed the tears out of her eyes. She shook her head because it was all she could think to do.</p><p class="p1">“Uhh…maybe you should sit down.”</p><p class="p1">Did she look as out of it as she felt?</p><p class="p1">Akali led her over to the couch and carefully set her down. Then, she went over and started cleaning up the mess she’d made.</p><p class="p1">(<em>I’m losing it</em>) she thought to herself, watching Akali grab handfuls of paper towels to set on the ground before running over to the closet and pulling out a broom and dustpan. This must look horrible considering the last time they had talked, it’d been when she snapped at Evelynn.</p><p class="p1">Ahri closed her eyes and hoped she’d disappear.</p><p class="p1">She wasn’t sure how long she sat there motionless, but at some point, Akali appeared in front of her with a new mug of coffee.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry for surprising you.”</p><p class="p1">Did she think it was her fault?</p><p class="p1">“No, no. It was me. I was totally zoned out.” She took the mug and placed it on the table in front of her, not trusting her hands to hold something fragile. “Thank you.”</p><p class="p1">Akali was eyeing her funny. She could tell even when she wasn’t looking at her.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t worry about it. How are your feet?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri had forgotten about the burning sensation until she brought it up again. They smarted when she ground them into the carpet.</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine,” she attempted to smile, but her watery eyes were probably not helping her case.</p><p class="p1">“Okay…”</p><p class="p1">She must have taken this to mean that she didn’t want to talk, so she went back into the kitchen and started making something for herself. Ahri watched the steam of her coffee rise from the cup until it grew cold.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The car ride was awkward for some reason. It wasn’t like anyone else knew about the mug incident, but maybe just Akali acting subdued was enough for the atmosphere to feel oppressive. After all, Eve wasn’t a morning person, and Kai’sa was generally the quietest of the four of them.</p><p class="p1">It also probably didn’t help that Ahri couldn’t keep her face from dropping. She just didn’t have to energy to fake it that day. If she thought about anything or if anyone asked if she was okay, she would surely lose it. So, she stayed silent.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It had been a few days since they’d been on a stage. Luckily, MusicBox was always nice enough to schedule a dress rehearsal the day before the recording so they could block and run everything a few times. Usually, shows gave you a split second to rehearse, and then, it was go-time.</p><p class="p1">As Ahri stood under the studio lights that stung her eyes, she was reminded of the before times, the times when she was young and always tired and always sad. Stages were always hot and stuffy, and the idea of having to exert energy filled her up with dread. But, that’s the job. She had no choice.</p><p class="p1">The backing track was so familiar to them at this point that they barely had to think about cues or their dance. They mostly used this time to focus on their spacing considering some stages were bigger than others. This one was a pretty medium size, which was nice because sometimes they really had to book it from one end of the stage to another.</p><p class="p1">Eve rarely went farther than singing during dress. She would keep her sunglasses on and just walk around the stage with her arms crossed, confident in her abilities. The others liked to at least try to go a little above marking, not quite full out, though. No use wasting too much energy.</p><p class="p1">Ahri liked to go full out when she could, just to make sure she still had it in her, but today, she couldn’t do it. Still, she sang and did most of the choreography. Although, she didn’t do floor work because she was afraid she wouldn’t get back up.</p><p class="p1">Once they were done with the first run, the director spoke up.</p><p class="p1">“Okay, girls. We’re going to run with cameras this time. Try to go as full out as you can, just so we can know what shots to focus on.”</p><p class="p1">“Yes, sir,” Ahri, Akali, and Kai’sa said. Eve just glared from behind her glasses.</p><p class="p1">They stood in their starting positions, and Ahri inhaled deeply. She could do this. It was just one time. She could push through it. She could do it.</p><p class="p1">But, as the song went on and they went into Seraphine’s part, it dawned on her that she couldn’t do it. It was right at the beginning of the last chorus when she was back in front. The part where they had to crouch and come back up.</p><p class="p1">Lights hot. Breath heavy. Head light. Somewhere deep in her abdomen felt hot and tingly. It was almost like when Eve charmed her, but it was simply from being out of breath. It was entirely overwhelming.</p><p class="p1">“Ugh—”</p><p class="p1">A knee and a hand connected with the ground when she couldn’t make it back up to standing—just as she feared would happen. Her eyes clenched shut. Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.</p><p class="p1">Someone ran up to her and said her name. Kai’sa, she thinks.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri?”</p><p class="p1">The music shut off and all she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears.</p><p class="p1">“I-I’m f-fine,” she sputtered, trying to find the energy to stand. She covered her eyes with a shaky hand and panted.</p><p class="p1">“Hey.” It was Seraphine’s sweet voice that had gotten close to her this time, her small, cold fingers wrapping around her arm. “Deep breaths, okay?”</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t take deep breaths. Her chest felt tight, almost like she was having a panic attack but without the panic.</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine,” she said again, even though she hadn’t moved. The truth was, she felt faint, felt like she was going to tip over.</p><p class="p1">Stronger grips hoisted her upright by the armpits. She stumbled on her heels, her head hanging over, groaning at the way her head swam from the change in position.</p><p class="p1">A man’s voice echoed in her head. “Take her to the medic station. She probably just needs something to eat.”</p><p class="p1">Oh…yeah…she hadn’t been eating well lately. She’d almost forgotten. It wasn’t like she was trying not to eat. She just wasn’t hungry, and when she was out with Eve, they’d only had coffee and split that little tart. Neither of them were thinking about whether she had eaten enough. They were just having fun. Well, trying to have fun, at least.</p><p class="p1">When Ahri wasn’t hungry, she didn’t think about food.</p><p class="p1">So, yeah. Maybe she’d fucked up.</p><p class="p1">She was taken off stage and down the hall, into a small room. They placed her on a hard cot, and even though her vision was blurred, she recognized her manager, recognized the studio’s stagehand. A middle-aged woman took her hand and pricked her finger, which made her hiss.</p><p class="p1">“Sit up dear.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri wasn’t sure she could. They must have gotten impatient because she was placed upright. A small cup of juice was forced in her hand.</p><p class="p1">“Drink.”</p><p class="p1">Orange juice. It tasted especially sour.</p><p class="p1">The men left the room. She watched absently as the woman disposed of whatever she’d used to cut her finger. She must have been a nurse of some kind. She grabbed a small granola bar from the cupboard and gave it to her as well.</p><p class="p1">As she slowly ate, her brain started kicking back into gear. Of course, she still felt a little sick, but that was to be expected considering how low her blood sugar was.</p><p class="p1">“You have to be more careful,” the nurse said. “You were at 59.”</p><p class="p1">“What’s that mean?” she asked, crinkling the wrapper in her hand.</p><p class="p1">“A normal blood glucose level is around 140 to 100 if you’ve eaten within the last three hours. 70 is alright if you’ve just woken up in the morning. But, lower than that—”</p><p class="p1">“I ate yesterday, though.”</p><p class="p1">She raised an eyebrow. “Three square meals?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s mouth screwed up. “Well, no, but I—”</p><p class="p1">“I swear, these companies run you girls into the ground.” She shook her head, taking the trash from her hands.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not like that. I just forgot.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s what they all say.”</p><p class="p1">But, it was true. She wasn’t doing it on purpose. Her irregular eating habits had never been <em>on purpose</em>. It was one of the things she’d always struggled with. Sometimes she swung the opposite way, too—mostly when she was medicated. Turns out having the right amount of serotonin and dopamine can make your appetite more regular. Who knew?</p><p class="p1">“I’ve just been down. That’s all. It really isn’t on purpose.”</p><p class="p1">The nurse looked at her and tilted her head.</p><p class="p1">“It’s a difficult lifestyle. I understand.”</p><p class="p1">Unless she had been a trainee at some point, she really didn’t.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">After an agonizingly long time, the rest of the girls came in.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri, are you alright?” Seraphine was beside herself. The poor girl. She was too sweet for her own good.</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s eyes flickered up to see Eve scowling from the doorway. She turned back to Sera and smiled.</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine. Low blood sugar. But, I’m all better, now.”</p><p class="p1">Akali and Kai’sa also looked upset but more sad than angry.</p><p class="p1">This was extremely awkward. To dull the tension, she got up and fixed her wrinkled skirt. “Sorry, that was a whole fiasco. Ah, we have to go to Studio B for our interview don’t we.”</p><p class="p1">Silence.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, but,” Kai’sa sighed, “if you’re not doing alright, you should go back to the apartment and rest.”</p><p class="p1">“I already said I’m all better.” They were turned away from her, some focused at the ground, some glancing to the side. Only Seraphine was looking at her with wide misty eyes and her hands clasped against her chest. Ahri frowned. “What’s—What’s wrong?”</p><p class="p1">Eve turned around and left the room. Guilt and shame sat heavily on her.</p><p class="p1">“I-It’s fine, guys, really.”</p><p class="p1">Akali leaned in and muttered, “Eve’s pissed as hell. She hasn’t said shit since the rehearsal.”</p><p class="p1">“I can see that. Thank you, Akali.”</p><p class="p1">“Just saying. Tread lightly, or she’s going to eat you alive.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri had no doubt that would be the case.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The only words Eve said the whole time was their opening greeting, and that was just because she contractually obligated to.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Hana dul set</em>—You want more! <em>Hello, we are K/DA!</em>”</p><p class="p1">The hosts were other idols, one girl and one guy both from second-generation groups.</p><p class="p1">“It’s so nice to have you guys here,” the girl smiled brightly.</p><p class="p1">“We’re so glad to be here,” Ahri smiled back. She was thankful she could be absolutely fake. If she thought about anything right now, she’d probably collapse again.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Eve threw her hand mirror to the ground and stepped on it. The other girls, and especially Ahri, flinched.</p><p class="p1">(Pieces of mirrors on the ground—shattered just like the pieces of herself.)</p><p class="p1">“What the fuck are you doing to yourself, Ahri?”</p><p class="p1">“I-I didn’t mean to. I just keep forgetting to eat.”</p><p class="p1">“How do you <em>forget</em> to eat? You don’t just <em>forget</em> to eat.”</p><p class="p1">Eve never yelled. She didn’t have to. Lowering her voice and speaking sharply was much more intimidating.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve always had trouble with it…”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, because you fucking restrict like hell. You can lie to yourself all you want, but I’m not blind. None of us are.” She took her pointer finger and swung it around in a looping motion, indicating everyone who sat in the room. Seraphine looked like she was going to start crying. “As much as you think it’s normal, it’s <em>not</em>. People don’t pass out on stage from just forgetting a few meals. How long have you been running on just coffee?”</p><p class="p1">Akali’s face twisted up, and she turned the other way. She must have told Evelynn about the mug thing.</p><p class="p1">Days blurred into each other. Besides when she went out with Eve, it’d been…days? A few weeks or so? She wasn’t sure.</p><p class="p1">“I-I don’t know.”</p><p class="p1">“See? You can’t even remember. That’s not fucking normal. You did this when you were solo, too. I remember. You could barely stand on some sets.”</p><p class="p1">“I-I promise—it’s not intentional.”</p><p class="p1">“Well, then I better see you fucking eat every single day from here on out. None of this ‘forgetting’ shit. I’ll shove food down your throat if I have to.”</p><p class="p1">Her heels crunched the glass as she went to her room and slammed the door.</p><p class="p1">Frowning, Ahri knelt down and picked up the decimated mirror. The pieces reflected a fragmented version of herself, one she saw often in her dreams, the ones she put in her video.</p><p class="p1">“That was so mean,” Seraphine whined.</p><p class="p1">“That’s Evelynn for you,” Kai’sa sighed. “Nice when she wants to be, but also a bitch when she wants to be.”</p><p class="p1">Akali laughed awkwardly. “Yeah…Eve’ll be the first one to call herself a bitch. She doesn’t really mean it. She’s just intense.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri swallowed, standing, transfixed by her reflection. She still felt strange, twisted up, light-headed. She needed to eat. She needed to, but her mouth was dry and her chest fluttered, and she was sure if she ate she’d get sick.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri.”</p><p class="p1">She didn’t respond, not wanting to be acknowledged or seen. This was all her fault, and she deserved to feel bad about it. What kind of person neglected themselves to the point where their responsibilities slipped through their fingers?</p><p class="p1">“I…I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">The girls didn’t know exactly what to do. Obviously, this wasn’t <em>okay</em>, but they knew enough about her and her past that it wouldn’t be right to blame her. Eve didn’t blame her either, she was just frustrated and quick to anger.</p><p class="p1">“Maybe you should rest up before dinner,” Kai’sa suggested. “I’m sure Eve will cool off soon enough.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay.” She didn’t want to get rid of the mirror in her hand. It felt too closely connected to the pain in her chest.</p><p class="p1">After all, it was good to remind herself how she looked to other people.</p><p class="p1">(Broken. Shattered. Tossed on the ground and stepped on. Left alone. Abandoned.)</p><p class="p1">There were two things that would never abandon her, though—the warm covers of her bed and the deep sadness she held in her heart.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. 시도</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Eve needs to feed, and Ahri just wants to feel good for once.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>시도 "sido" = tryst</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">After forcing herself to down some of Kai’sa (very lovely) cooking, she had gone to bed again. But, when she got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, she returned only to find golden eyes glaring at her from her bed.</p><p class="p1">“I’m mad at you,” Eve growled.</p><p class="p1">Ahri stood there, staring. She wasn’t charming her—no, this was different.</p><p class="p1">“I know you are.”</p><p class="p1">She was letting off smoke, which was never a good sign. It made her cough. Her lashers were out too, almost like they were a threat in themselves.</p><p class="p1">“Come closer, my gumiho.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m not going to do that.”</p><p class="p1">“No? Are you going to sleep on the floor?"</p><p class="p1">“You can’t keep doing this,” she said, looking away and staying planted where she stood.</p><p class="p1">“I can’t?”</p><p class="p1">The air in the room was so thick. After being woozy all day, it caused her to put a hand on the wall so she didn’t fall over. Ahri knew that Eve just needed to feed. It wasn’t her fault, but she really wasn’t sure if she could handle something like that at the moment.</p><p class="p1">Smoke wrapped around her until it became arms clutching her tightly. Evelynn buried her face into the crook of Ahri’s neck.</p><p class="p1">“You smell good.” Her words almost sounded like a hiss.</p><p class="p1">“Do I smell good, or is it my sadness?”</p><p class="p1">Honestly, she didn’t know if she was feeling sad exactly, especially considering the arm across her chest and the hand on her hipbone.</p><p class="p1">“Both,” she whispered.</p><p class="p1">Eve flipped her around and shoved her against the wall, thankfully not hard enough to steal all her breath.</p><p class="p1">“Hypocritical of you to be angry about my actions and then directly benefit off of them,” Ahri said, trying to keep her voice calm and breathing even.</p><p class="p1">“I’m very far from perfect, darling.” She smiled, although there was a wicked edge to it. “You can commiserate with me on that note, can’t you?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri sighed.</p><p class="p1">“Eve, I…I really do like you, but with everything going on…” She shook her head, trying not to focus on her glowing eyes. “…this kind of thing tires me out.”</p><p class="p1">“Hmm? But, I haven’t done anything.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s…not what I mean.”</p><p class="p1">Instead of being defensive, Evelynn simply did not understand.</p><p class="p1">“Then, what do you mean?”</p><p class="p1">“After you charm me, it’s like a comedown or being hungover. I feel good in the moment only to be sad again. It takes a toll on me.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn paused for a moment as if she was thinking.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t always have to charm you, babe. Sometimes, you’re just compliant.” She smiled knowingly in that way she did.</p><p class="p1">Ahri blinked. There had been times where she…wasn’t being charmed? And, she just let Eve kiss her? What did that say about her?</p><p class="p1">“You mean, you—”</p><p class="p1">“Honey, I haven’t charmed you in years. I thought that you knew that already.” The look on Ahri’s face told Eve that, clearly, that was not the case. She continued, “You really thought I was controlling you? I was just teasing.”</p><p class="p1">She didn’t know what to say. Eve rarely looked sad, but she seemed almost like she was disappointed in her. Disappointed in the delusions she held herself under just so she wasn’t forced to confront anything meaningful about her life. It wasn’t her fault. There was just <em>so much</em> and thinking about all of the So Much was so much.</p><p class="p1">And, Evelynn—God, it would be so bad for everyone if she was in love with her.</p><p class="p1">But, still, the thought lingered. If she wasn’t being charmed, then, what would it feel like if she was?</p><p class="p1">They were on the same wavelength, as if Eve could read her mind. Maybe she could. She was just that way sometimes.</p><p class="p1">“You want me to do it, don’t you?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s behavior in the past could be considered pleasure-seeking. Riding the highs of not eating or rehearsing until she dropped. There were things she couldn’t do—hurt herself (can’t have visible marks), drink (wasn’t allowed to at her old agency, might as well not start the habit), do drugs (where the hell would she even find them?)—so she did what she could manage. Torturing herself was usually the go-to.</p><p class="p1">But, Evelynn—oh, Evelynn.</p><p class="p1">“Yes,” she murmured.</p><p class="p1">The smile reappeared on Eve’s face, wide and devilish. Then, her eyes changed. Flashed or brightened or something.</p><p class="p1">It hit Ahri like slamming into a brick wall.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ah</em>—”</p><p class="p1">Her knees buckled. She reached out and grabbed Eve’s shirt to stay upright. Her eyelids fluttered. This was a different kind of So Much. Absolutely like using a drug—not that she would know. When she managed to get ahold of herself, Ahri looked up at golden eyes. She could feel something bloom in her chest like a flower growing towards sunlight.</p><p class="p1">“Eve,” she breathed.</p><p class="p1">“Yes, darling?” She didn’t have anything to say. “Does it feel good?”</p><p class="p1">“Y-Yeah.”</p><p class="p1">Eve scratched behind her ear like she often did. “That’s my fox. Docile and submissive, just how I like her.”</p><p class="p1">The words were overwhelming in themselves, like they filled her entire head. She’d never moaned at words before, but she <em>moaned</em>, and if she wasn’t compromised, she would have been mortified.</p><p class="p1">“You tried to send me away. How funny that I can make you ask for it.”</p><p class="p1">“Eve,” she said again.</p><p class="p1">She took one of Ahri’s wrists and slowly lifted it above her head, pressing it to the wall behind her. She leaned into her neck again, close enough that she could feel Eve’s breath but not close enough for her lips to touch her skin.</p><p class="p1">“Smells like you’re in heat.”</p><p class="p1">“No,” she whined, now officially embarrassed.</p><p class="p1">“I know. But, you could have fooled me.”</p><p class="p1">She didn’t remember Evelynn’s knee being between her legs until she felt it nudge against her. Ahri yelped. It sounded very fox-like.</p><p class="p1">“Sensitive, are we?”</p><p class="p1">“Shut up.”</p><p class="p1">“No, I don’t think I will.”</p><p class="p1">Her hips rocked against her thigh regardless if she wanted to or not.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, are you going to get yourself off like a dog? Hump my leg?" God—Eve was such a bitch sometimes. Not that she was wrong, but she didn't have to point it out. "Is that all you are? A poor, pathetic, <em>helpless</em> little doggy?” she hissed.</p><p class="p1">It dawned on her that she <em>was</em> helpless. Weak. Under her control. She could do anything she wanted to her. The idea was almost more intoxicating than the movement of her hips.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Oh—</em>”</p><p class="p1">“You like being talked down to, hm? What else do you like? Maybe I should make you wear a collar and chain you to a fence to be abandoned like a filthy stray no one wants.”</p><p class="p1">That one sort of hurt. Aside from being hooked to a fence, she was just dumped on someone else’s lap. Feeling unwanted had been something she had struggled with her whole life. That’s another reason why the group was so important to her. It was a family. A home.</p><p class="p1">The thought barely occurred to her when compared to the idea that she liked being treated like this. She almost couldn’t believe it. Although, something told her that anything Evelynn said would sound like music to her ears at this point.</p><p class="p1">“But, I want you, baby. I’ve seen you prance around on stage wearing those tiny little outfits, practically begging for your fanboys to jerk off to you. Can’t blame them. I would too. Although, it’s more my style to rip off your clothes and take you myself.”</p><p class="p1">A rational thought flitted through her mind. Did Eve mean that? Is that really how she felt? If nothing else, it was flattering.</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t say she hadn’t thought about her either. It was impossible not to. Evelynn oozed pure sex sometimes, and even the straightest of women are stunned by her beauty. Considering Ahri had figured over the years that straight was a thing she was not, it was that much worse.</p><p class="p1">“Beautiful. So beautiful.” Her free hand brushed against her cheek, the sharp points of her claws scratching at her skin.</p><p class="p1">Everything was beginning to be too much.</p><p class="p1">“I’m gonna die,” she panted.</p><p class="p1">“No, you’re not going to die. You’re going to come for me like a good little girl.”</p><p class="p1">It was true. She was going to lose her mind.</p><p class="p1">“Yes, a good girl. Obedient like a well-trained puppy.”</p><p class="p1">“Evelynn—!”</p><p class="p1">“Now, <em>come.</em>”</p><p class="p1">And, she did. It was as if she willed it out of her.</p><p class="p1">Her face screwed up and she squealed, hoping that the other girls were fast asleep so they didn’t hear. She shook and rutted against her and clutched the fabric of her shirt tighter with her free hand. It certainly felt like she was dying, regardless of what Evelynn said. It was <em>So Much</em>.</p><p class="p1">And, then it stopped.</p><p class="p1">Ahri blinked and her head cleared. Eve’s eyes weren’t so vibrant, but she did look very proud of herself. She let go of her wrist and pulled away.</p><p class="p1">“That was hot.”</p><p class="p1">Without Evelynn’s support, Ahri’s knees gave out.</p><p class="p1">“Take a look before falling at my feet,” she joked. Although, it fell on mostly deaf ears. Ahri was already in her own little world.</p><p class="p1">Ahri stared at the floor. The first thought that popped into her head was, (<em>Wow, you’re truly disgusting</em>). It was awful how her brain did that, how everything she did was wrong and bad. She knew she wasn’t, knew that developing feelings and being intimate with people was a part of life, but the shame she always felt was there regardless of how true it was.</p><p class="p1">Her mind told her that she didn’t deserve attention from someone as amazing as Evelynn while simultaneously telling her that being made to get off in such a degrading way was the only thing someone like her was good for.</p><p class="p1">It was all crushing. Crushing, crushing. Nothing ever changed. It was always like this, and it never stopped.</p><p class="p1">Ahri burst into tears. She’d gone from helpless to hopeless in the time it takes to snap your fingers.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn jumped before sinking to her knees to join Ahri on the floor.</p><p class="p1">“Babe?” She slid a hand under her chin and lifted it so she could see her face. “Baby, what’s wrong?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri stared at her, finally feeling all the twisted up emotions that had previously been kept away by Eve’s spell. Her chest ached and tears slid down her cheeks and soaked into her pajama bottoms.</p><p class="p1">“I’m s-sorry. There’s nothing wrong. It’s just always how it is.” She shook her head and the hand fell away from her chin, “I always feel so awful.”</p><p class="p1">By the way Evelynn’s eyes dimmed, she could tell that part of her suffering was, in fact, feeding her, but it wasn’t her doing. Eve didn’t have to provoke suffering in her. It was always there, ever-present behind her eyes. All she had to do was see it.</p><p class="p1">“Honey, you need to take it easy and stop treating yourself this way. You’re so lovely. To say anything negative about yourself would be a lie.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt the opposite. She could barely think of anything positive.</p><p class="p1">“All you do is work yourself to death, and yet, it’s never good enough for you, no? Money, status, fame, love—it’s never enough.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t deserve any of it.”</p><p class="p1">Eve’s expression hardened. She was confused and frustrated and couldn’t understand why someone would believe that of themselves, especially someone so steadfast in their commitment to their goals—their commitment to other people.</p><p class="p1">There were different Ahris, that much was true. There was the Ahri she showed the world, there was the Ahri she showed her friends, and there was the Ahri she only showed herself. This reaction seemed to belong to the latter. She rarely broke down into tears, rarely spoke out loud about the nasty things she told herself.</p><p class="p1">“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”</p><p class="p1">She shrugged, sniffing. The logical part of her mind knew that there was something very wrong with the part of her mind that constantly berated her. She didn’t fully believe all the things it said, but the longer you tell yourself something, the more it starts to feel true.</p><p class="p1">“Why do you do it? Does wallowing in your own misery feel good?”</p><p class="p1">In a way, it did feel good. There was a strange euphoria that came with the punishment, the deprivation, the deprecation. It felt good to accept that there was something fundamentally broken and unfixable about her. She didn’t understand why, couldn’t explain why it felt like that, but it did feel good.</p><p class="p1">“I guess.”</p><p class="p1">“More than being worked off?”</p><p class="p1">“Well, no, obviously not.”</p><p class="p1">“I see. In that case, I suppose I’ll have to pin you to the wall more often.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s face flushed. In her own way, that was Eve admitting that she wanted this to be a repeat occurrence—to have some sort of relationship, sexual or otherwise. Ahri wasn’t sure she had anything to say in response. She wasn’t going to say no, but she wasn’t about to say yes, either.</p><p class="p1">Eve leaned in and kissed her cheek softly, lovingly. Ahri could feel her eyelashes blink against the other woman’s skin.</p><p class="p1">“<em>My gumiho,</em>” she whispered.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>it's not an autumnmycat special unless someone cries after sex lmaooo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. 막간</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Can you feel the rush now?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>막간 “maggan” = interlude</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">A hand shaking her and a voice bleeding through the darkness. She can’t understand what’s being said to her.</p><p class="p1">She feels herself get up and then fall back down again. Hands on her. More words. Glowing eyes.</p><p class="p1">Things snap into focus but only halfway, like her peripheral vision is dim. But, she knows Eve and her smile, and she knows the way she smiles means that she doesn’t need to worry.</p><p class="p1">Two bodies in the mirror, and her shirt is pulled up just a bit to reveal a bloody wound—black and blue and brown. It’s okay, Eve assures her. Her stage outfit hides it, which is why she chose her side. She has no idea what Eve is talking about.</p><p class="p1">Eve combs out her wet hair, towel over her shoulders like a blanket on a cold winter night.</p><p class="p1">She’s asked if she’s cold, and she doesn’t know how to respond to that because she feels her teeth chattering, but she doesn’t feel <em>cold</em> per se.</p><p class="p1">They all say that they need to leave soon, and even then, Kali insists on shoving a waffle in her mouth. That’s probably fine, especially because Eve smiles at her, and it’s sweet, and Eve’s smiles are never sweet.</p><p class="p1">Her head hurts really bad, but she has no idea why or what to do about it, so she just sits in the car and watches Seoul pass by the window. There’s chatter around her, but it doesn’t feel real even though she could understand them if she focused hard enough. But, her focus is on the passing cars and people and stores and—</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa grabs her shoulders and things sharpen a bit. They're not in the car anymore.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri, what are you talking about?”</p><p class="p1">“Huh?”</p><p class="p1">She gets a strange look and an uncomfortable feeling. Kai’sa face twists up.</p><p class="p1">“It’s nothing. Let’s go.”</p><p class="p1">Things get blurry again.</p><p class="p1">There’s one minute until they go on, some man tells them, and they rush onto stage and take their positions. They can hear the—<em>hana, dul</em>—and the red light on the camera in front of them turns on.</p><p class="p1">She always forgets what happens on stage once it starts, but this time, for some reason, she remembers every part of it. She remembers the glow of the studio lights, and the shouts of their fan-chants, and the overwhelming love she feels from the audience. She feels trust with the girls on stage. It’s almost disorienting, but then, the performance is over and they run off.</p><p class="p1">Falling into a chair, she feels herself giggle, sees herself in the mirror, feels a hand on her shoulder.</p><p class="p1">Eve is behind her.</p><p class="p1">“How do you feel, dear?”</p><p class="p1">“Good.”</p><p class="p1">The next time things feel real is when they’re accepting their win for this episode of MusicBox, and they give the microphone to her because she’s the leader and all, so it’s kind of her job to thank the crowd, but she can barely get out a word because she chokes up. All the feelings and love and excitement—it’s all so overwhelming. She feels like the most special fox in the entire universe, and she has to cover her mouth to stop herself from sobbing.</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa takes the microphone and does it for her. It’s not abnormal for idols to become emotional when they win during various events, but the people who are really paying attention will know something’s up, and even when she’s not totally in this realm of reality, she knows that she shouldn’t be so prone to tears. She never is.</p><p class="p1">It’s Kali this time who's talking to her when her vision clears.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, what’s up, unnie? Why’re you crying?”</p><p class="p1">She sniffs.</p><p class="p1">“There are so many people who like what we do. It’s surreal. I don’t know what I did to deserve it.”</p><p class="p1">Kali goes silent.</p><p class="p1">Someone else says that they should go out to celebrate getting through all of their main promotions. It sounds nice. She hasn’t been to a club or a bar in so long that she can’t remember the last time it happened.</p><p class="p1">An arm is around her back, and her heels on concrete feel particularly precarious, and her skirt must be too tight because it hurts her side to walk in, but she doesn’t have the words to complain. It doesn’t matter because they’re sitting at a table in a dark room. It’s the corner of a section, table round with the booth's seat wrapped around it.</p><p class="p1">“We should take a shot together.”</p><p class="p1">There is unanimous agreement.</p><p class="p1">Soju, South Korea’s staple. Youngest pours. Technically, that’s Sera. Then, it’s cheers.</p><p class="p1">“To our killer EP and getting through the hell weeks.”</p><p class="p1">“Cheers!”</p><p class="p1">All five shot glasses clink and are thrown back, and when they’re slammed down, someone says, “Thank God. I’ve been waiting for this to be over for days.”</p><p class="p1">Over? Day? Wait?</p><p class="p1">(<em>Wait/day/over</em>)</p><p class="p1">Her vision goes black and the last thing she hears is the sound of her forehead hitting the table with a hollow <em>smack!</em></p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">She saw other people’s memories in her dreams. Or, maybe she saw dreams in people’s memories.</p><p class="p1">It didn’t matter. She liked it because it was nostalgic. And, anyway, Dreams of Memories only plagued her when she was using her charm to “make her more competitive in the market.” Yeah, that was a good idea. Make people love her to the point of obsession—and not the “normal” kind of obsession. Obsession like she found a note taped to her door.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t want to do this anymore,” she said to her manager.</p><p class="p1">“Unfortunately, that’s not my call.”</p><p class="p1">She knew that her manager was nothing but a pawn in the greater game that was her life, but when you read the words (<em>Let’s be together</em>) taped on your door from a username you vaguely recognize because they spam your inbox constantly, you begin to stop caring about where your place on the food chain is.</p><p class="p1">“They actually love me. Like, <em>actually</em>. It’s scary.”</p><p class="p1">“Not my call.”</p><p class="p1">So, she dreamed of memories. Some involved her, some didn’t. Some were pain and anguish, and some were joy so pure that it woke her up in tears.</p><p class="p1">“I can’t do it anymore.”</p><p class="p1">They told her again.</p><p class="p1">“Not my call.”</p><p class="p1">When she never responded to notes and messages, threats of violence started coming in. They knew her address. Almost everyone knew who cared to find out. Fortunately, that was when she was moved back into the trainee dorms. For her own safety, of course.</p><p class="p1">Nothing to do now but practice until you drop. Or, you could smash your fist into a mirror. That probably won’t make everything worse.</p><p class="p1"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">She sees memories in her dreams, or maybe she sees dreams in people's memories.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. 물다</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kiss me on the mouth and set me free, but <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLuWMOF6vOU">please don't bite.</a></p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>물다 "mulda" = bite</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It had only been a shot of soju—not enough for anyone on Earth to get blackout drunk. But, that didn’t stop Ahri. Kai’sa could see the light disappear from her eyes, and the next second, she was passed out on the table.</p><p class="p1">There was a collective gasp and a moment of silence between them even as the bass of the club’s music pumped through the room. Everyone was frozen. Time had stopped.</p><p class="p1">And, then, it moved forward again.</p><p class="p1">“Oh my God, Ahri—“</p><p class="p1">Akali had her hands on her shoulders, trying to shake her awake, but she was long gone. Totally out.</p><p class="p1">“God,” Kai’sa breathed, standing up, “we have to get her out of here.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s face was grim, skin pulled tight over her jaw. She stood as well, pulling Ahri’s body out of the booth with her. She looked just like how she had when she’d been hauled off stage just the day before—both of them. Eve visibly upset, Ahri’s head hanging over, barely able to stand on her heels. Except this time, she was completely limp, and both Kai’sa and Evelynn had to completely bear her weight.</p><p class="p1">It felt like a flurry of commotion when really all they did was slip out the back door and get into Evelynn’s car. Kai’sa sat in the back so that Ahri could lean on her and not flop over in some weird way and possibly hurt herself. Akali held her limp hand. Seraphine sat in the front seat, slouched down in a combination of worry, sadness, and dejection. Eve’s stare bore into the road in front of her, pressing down on the acceleration so that the engine revved loudly.</p><p class="p1">Everything surrounding Ahri had taken a toll on them. It wasn’t like they blamed her—not really anyway. It was just one of those things where having the same problem occur over and over again wore them down. How could you blame someone for their own suffering, and yet, how could you defend the actions of someone who was harming themselves and the people around them?</p><p class="p1">When they got back to the apartment, Kai’sa and Evelynn laid Ahri down on her bed. And then, Kai’sa shut the door to her room.</p><p class="p1">“What did you do to her?”</p><p class="p1">Eve turned from Ahri’s peaceful face to Kai’sa’s angry one. She raised an eyebrow.</p><p class="p1">“Excuse me?”</p><p class="p1">“You two were fooling around last night. What did you do?”</p><p class="p1">“You heard that, huh?” She couldn’t help how a corner of her mouth twitched up but only for a second. It was the one spark of hubris she couldn’t suppress even in such a tense situation. If Kai’sa noticed, she ignored it.</p><p class="p1">“Did you feed off of her?”</p><p class="p1">Eve sat on the bed and untucked Ahri's shirt, slightly unzipped her skirt, and exposed the gruesome wound on her side.</p><p class="p1">“I did.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Jesus Christ</em>.”</p><p class="p1">It looked bad because it was bad. The way her skin was punctured made it clear it was a bite mark, and even though it had clotted and been somewhat cleaned, she was terribly bruised, as one would expect from such an injury.</p><p class="p1">“We got carried away. <em>I</em> got carried away.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>Eve didn’t know why Ahri asked for it again, but she asked for it again. So, she did it again. </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Ahri moaned loudly, and sealed their lips in a kiss, and grabbed the back of Eve’s shirt to pull her closer. When they broke away, she mewled, “Ah—it feels so good—”</em>
</p><p class="p1"><em>Lips on her neck. How badly she wanted to clamp down on her jugular. She could smell it—her blood and how something about it </em>hurt<em>. But, she stuck with kisses because she couldn’t do that to her. She just couldn't.</em></p><p class="p1">
  <em>It’d been her idea, almost like Ahri could read her mind.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Y-You should do it,” she panted. “You should feed off me. I want it.”</em>
</p><p class="p1"><em>Evelynn knew that having her in this state was akin to intoxication—she couldn’t make proper decisions for herself, could say things she didn’t mean, could put herself in danger—but she smelled </em>so good<em> and all of her instincts were begging her to do it, and Ahri was telling her to do it, and—</em></p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Aside from her exclamation, Kai’sa looked like she couldn’t speak. She kept shaking her head, as if that would somehow bring back words. Eve spoke up again.</p><p class="p1">“I was hungry.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa scoffed.</p><p class="p1">“You couldn’t—You couldn’t have used—anyone else? You couldn’t have gone out and eaten some random person?”</p><p class="p1">“Not that hungry.”</p><p class="p1">“And, still—”</p><p class="p1">Eve peered over her glasses. Instead of being angry, she was as upset as Kai’sa, just in her own way. Her stoicism was solemn.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not proud of it.”</p><p class="p1">“She’s <em>suffering</em>, Eve.”</p><p class="p1">“I know.”</p><p class="p1">Eve had been the one who had tasted it for herself, after all.</p><p class="p1">“You’d think that after all this time you’d have learned to control yourself.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ve never…” She looked back over her shoulder. Sleeping fox. White as snow.</p><p class="p1">“You never, what?”</p><p class="p1">“I’ve never loved someone who suffers so much.” Eve put the tip of one of her claws in her mouth as if she could still remember how it felt, as if her sadness still bled onto her fingertips. “It’s heartbreaking. I want to take it all from her.”</p><p class="p1">Kai'sa blinked a few times, shocked to hear the word <em>love</em> come from her mouth, but she quickly recovered. “You <em>can’t</em>, Eve. You can’t. It’s part of who she is. It isn’t something you can take away.”</p><p class="p1">“Yes. It keeps giving and giving—and giving.”</p><p class="p1">Finally, she understood.</p><p class="p1">“You didn’t know when to stop.”</p><p class="p1">Eve’s face fell.</p><p class="p1">She remembered it so vividly, the strangled cry as her fangs sunk into her skin, the fleeting gasps of pleasure, a croaking breath, and then—</p><p class="p1">Silence.</p><p class="p1">How beautiful did her gumiho look in her arms, limp and calm. At peace. But, she was only at peace because she was completely unconscious, a sleep deeper than anyone could naturally experience. She wouldn’t be able to dream of the pain and terror those feelings and memories gave her—no, she wouldn’t dream at all. She’d be a sleeping beauty. Only, a true love’s kiss wouldn’t be enough to wake her.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Ahri, baby.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Evelynn walked closer and sat on the bed next to her. The dip of the mattress didn’t do anything to rouse her.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Honey.” She brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “It’s time to wake up. We have places to be, people to do.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Nothing.</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“She’ll be fine. Eventually.”</p><p class="p1">“How long is eventually?”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe a few hours. Maybe a few days.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa rubbed her face with her hands. “<em>Eve</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“I know. I know.” She gently rested a hand on Ahri’s calf. “Even if I hadn’t, she needs the rest. I told her all she had to do was get through the day. And, she did.”</p><p class="p1">She gasped, “You charmed her.”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t a question. It was a matter of fact.</p><p class="p1">“She could barely stand on her own. I had to do something.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>Just like the night before, she threw her arms around Eve and pulled her into a kiss, a sloppy, desperate kiss, and as much as she would normally be very pleased about this turn of events, this just wasn’t the time.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Babe. You have to focus. Aren’t you our leader?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“…Yeah.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“So, we should be at the filming on time, right?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Yeah…but…”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“So, maybe you should get ready.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>She groaned, “I’m tired.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“I know, honey. But, once today is over, you can sleep as much as you want. Okay?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“Will you be there?”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“While you sleep? I could be, if you get yourself ready.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>She sighed, but it sounded more like a sound of pain. “I’m gonna die.”</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>“You’re not going to die, sweetheart. It’s just one day. You can do it. If anyone can, it’s you.”</em>
</p><p class="p4"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Will she feel…alright…when she…”</p><p class="p1">“She’ll feel normal, I think. Her normal.” She gently stroked her skin, which felt soft and otherworldly, like her whole body had a coat of silky fur. “A human would certainly be dead, but she’s stronger than that.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah.”</p><p class="p1">Finally, Eve took off her glasses.</p><p class="p1">“I never would intentionally hurt her.”</p><p class="p1">“I know, Eve.”</p><p class="p1">The emotions in the room had run high, but they were dipping down low again. Kai’sa could feel her guilt. Feel her fear. It was odd to see Eve be so expressive in such an honest way. She really did care for her, and she really felt bad.</p><p class="p1">“You should…” Eve paused, “…change her into something more comfortable.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa looked at her strangely. “Why me?”</p><p class="p1">She stood from the bed and put her sunglasses back on.</p><p class="p1">“I think I’ve already done enough.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The first time they kissed, it was the night of another party.</p><p class="p1">When they sat together, people generally left them alone, which Ahri appreciated because she didn’t really want to talk to anybody. Being the only one not intimidated by Eve had its perks sometimes.</p><p class="p1">“Man, you seriously suck at giving those speeches, Foxy.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri pursed her lips and shot Eve a look. She was used to her particular flavor of teasing now. And, anyway, she didn’t cry like that anymore, not like how she did when they first met.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry we can’t all be like you, Evelynn.”</p><p class="p1">“Hmph,” she laughed. “If everyone were like me, life would be a hell of a lot more interesting.”</p><p class="p1">She didn’t doubt that. Evelynn was as much of a loose cannon as she could think of. Lately, she kept getting into dating scandals only for them to fizzle out and go nowhere. The press sure loved that about her. Ahri didn’t understand how she could take it. The media loved Bubblegum-Pink Ahri, and yet, every time she saw a news article or TV spot about her, all she wanted to do was scuttle under the bed like a beetle and die there pathetically like a beetle.</p><p class="p1">“I guess it’s the spotlight and the attention. It’s different than performing. Having everyone talk about me and <em>look</em> at me while they say how great I am—well, I really hate it.”</p><p class="p1">“You sure are something. Most people would die to be in your shoes.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri sighed, “And, I’d die to be in theirs.”</p><p class="p1">Eve turned and looked at her, but Ahri continued to stare into the throngs of people, feeling despondent. It was always like this after ceremonies. She got so depressed.</p><p class="p1">“Do you want to get out of here?”</p><p class="p1">“Hm?” Her ears pricked up, her tail swishing. “What do you mean?”</p><p class="p1">She shrugged, “I dunno. You don’t look like you’re having fun.”</p><p class="p1">“Ah…”</p><p class="p1">“Come to my place. I have booze.”</p><p class="p1">“I-I can’t drink—if the company found out I’d be—”</p><p class="p1">Eve placed a finger on Ahri’s lips and shook her head as she said, “And, how would they find out? Are you going to tell them?”</p><p class="p1">There was something about Evelynn’s eyes. They were so commanding, so strong-willed. Saying no to her felt wrong, in a way. It was like she couldn’t. She couldn’t say no to her.</p><p class="p1">Eve took her finger back, and Ahri said, “Okay.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ahri didn’t understand why Eve could get an apartment while she still had to live in the dorms until she was eighteen. Maybe Eve was older than her? To be honest, she never asked. If she was old enough to buy alcohol, she had to be at least twenty.</p><p class="p1">The apartment was nice. It was surprisingly quaint. Then again, it was difficult to find spacious apartments in Seoul even if you were swimming in cash, and most idols absolutely weren’t. Ahri sure wasn’t. All of her so-called “wealth” was, for the most part, owned by her company.</p><p class="p1">“Home shit home.”</p><p class="p1">Somehow, Evelynn was already offering her a shot of soju.</p><p class="p1">“O-Oh, that was quick.”</p><p class="p1">“What can I say? I like moving fast.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri tilted her head. She wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but it definitely wasn’t what it seemed at face value.</p><p class="p1">One shot led to another to another to another. Ahri had barely had a drop of alcohol in her life, excluding various flutes of champagne she’d been given at events, so she was a bit more than tipsy. That must have been why they were laying on the floor. Well, Ahri was. Eve propped herself against the wall.</p><p class="p1">“What's wrong, Foxy?”</p><p class="p1">“Nothing. Just never been drunk before,” she giggled.</p><p class="p1">“No?”</p><p class="p1">“Feels weird. I’m all floaty.”</p><p class="p1">Eve couldn’t help but smile to herself. Ahri was weird and silly, but most of all, she was sensitive in a way Eve never had been. It was strangely refreshing. She’d made peace with the fact that she wasn’t normal in any sense of the word long ago, but Ahri still grappled with it. Although, she seemed to grapple with everything—stardom, attention, maybe even life itself.</p><p class="p1">The worst part was, she was really, really cute. But, fuck that. Evelynn wasn’t in this business to develop feelings or emotions or a soul or whatever the fuck.</p><p class="p1">“Are you having fun?”</p><p class="p1">“Mm-hmm.”</p><p class="p1">Then, Ahri sat up and turned to look at her.</p><p class="p1">“Can I tell you something?”</p><p class="p1">Eve was concerned about where this line of questioning was going.</p><p class="p1">“Uh. Why...?”</p><p class="p1">She must have caught the way she bristled because she smiled and said, “It’s nothing bad. It’s about me.”</p><p class="p1">“Say whatever you want, hon. I’m not going to stop you.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri snorted and then giggled like it was the funniest thing in the world. “I’mma nine-tailed fox.”</p><p class="p1">Okay, certainly not the direction she anticipated, but interesting nonetheless.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, a gumiho?” Eve propped her elbow on her knee. “I didn’t realize there were any around here.”</p><p class="p1">“Well…there aren’t. I don’t exactly know where I came from.”</p><p class="p1">“Huh.”</p><p class="p1">“My parents aren’t my real parents, considering they don't have ears and tails.” She shook her head as if to clear it. “So, what about you?”</p><p class="p1">“Me?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, you. What are you? Why can you charm people, too?”</p><p class="p1">Too? She didn’t know Ahri also had that ability.</p><p class="p1">“Are you really sure you want to know that?”</p><p class="p1">“I told you what I am,” she whined. “Come on, Evie. Please?”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t like she could say no to her drooping ears and puppy dog eyes. And, Evie? Damn. Pulling out the big guns.</p><p class="p1">“Geez. You’re gonna be the death of me, kid.” She sighed, “Fine.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri brightened right up into a large smile. What a girl.</p><p class="p1">“I’m a demon.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s “oh” was much quieter and bewildered, but she didn’t look upset, just surprised. “That’s cool.”</p><p class="p1">Eve laughed loudly. Maybe the alcohol was getting to her, too.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve never had someone call it ‘cool,’ but thanks. Being a literal fox isn’t too bad either. I thought you were just really into that whole schtick.”</p><p class="p1">“No. It’s all real.”</p><p class="p1">All nine of Ahri’s tails appeared and spread out like the feathers of a peacock.</p><p class="p1">“It’s pretty hard to dance with all of them out, so I usually put most of them away. Throws off my center of balance, especially on heels.”</p><p class="p1">Eve had seen a lot of things in her life, but an honest-to-god gumiho was not one of them. Sure, Ahri had promotional pictures and scenes in videos with all her tails out, but that was different than the real deal being right in front of her.</p><p class="p1">“They’re lovely.”</p><p class="p1">Her tails became one again, and she hugged it to her chest, her face visibly flushing.</p><p class="p1">“Oh—well—thank you. I-I don’t really like that I’m…how I am, but it’s nice that you think so.”</p><p class="p1">Before she could consciously stop herself, Eve felt herself crawling forward to get closer to her. Something instinctual was coming out, but not something like needing to feed or needing sorrow or needing to kill. No, this was a need to be close. To be reassuring.</p><p class="p1">To be kind.</p><p class="p1">God, who would have thought. Evelynn wanting to be nice for once. It was as impossible as it was embarrassing.</p><p class="p1">Still, she got right up in her face, and Ahri’s eyes immediately widened.</p><p class="p1">“Whatever you are or whoever you are isn’t something you can change. We’re both not human. We’re monsters, even. But, that doesn’t mean you should feel bad about it. That’s just what we are.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s breath shuddered. Her hands clutched her tail tighter.</p><p class="p1">“You’re lovely, Ahri. I’m not lying when I say that.”</p><p class="p1">“Eve…”</p><p class="p1">Neither of them knew who moved forward first, but their lips met. That was the first time Evelynn tasted Ahri’s sorrow.</p><p class="p1">It was the first sorrow she tasted that made her sad too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. 잡담</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ahri finally wakes up, but some awakenings are ruder than others.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>잡담 "jabdam" = <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIfrimbfgvg">gossip</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">When Ahri opened her eyes, her first thought was that she was sure she was going to be sick.</p><p class="p1">It was that feeling of rising heat, the light-headedness, the nausea squeezing her gut. She went to get out of bed but hissed in pain and grabbed her side, which only exacerbated her queasiness.</p><p class="p1">“I’m gonna throw up,” she said to herself, ignoring the pain and going to stand. But, man, she was dizzy. Stumbling to the wall, she put her hand on her head, and used sturdy surface as a guide-rail to get her to the bathroom.</p><p class="p1">Even though Ahri felt sick, hanging over the toilet didn’t help. She gagged on nothing and wondered when the last time she ate was. Or—when the last time she did anything was.</p><p class="p1">Giving up on that endeavor, she walked back to the bed and sat down, grabbing her phone which sat neatly on her bedside table being charged. She didn’t remember doing that, but to be fair, she couldn’t really remember much of anything. Her last lucid memory was being on stage, taking in the feeling of the crowd, and then, there was nothing.</p><p class="p1">She looked at the date. It’d been two days since the taping.</p><p class="p1">“Two days?” What had she been doing in those two days that she couldn’t remember?</p><p class="p1">Putting her phone back on the table, she released a long sigh and rubbed her face with her hands. She felt off in about every way imaginable. It wasn’t like the day she passed out. Instead, her body ached, and her ears rang, and her mouth was dry, and she just felt like absolute shit.</p><p class="p1">When Ahri emerged from her room, she was only greeted by one person.</p><p class="p1">“Kit! You’re awake!”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, hi, ‘Kali.”</p><p class="p1">Akali stood up and launched into her arms, pulling her into a tight hug, which didn’t exactly do any wonders for her already upset stomach. When Ahri made a small groaning noise, Akali pulled away and really had a look at her.</p><p class="p1">“Are you okay? You look pale.”</p><p class="p1">“Nauseous,” she said dismissively, going over to the kitchen suite and taking a cup out of the cupboard. “Nothing a cup of tea won’t fix.”</p><p class="p1">“Uh…not to be pushy or anything, but you have been out for a while.”</p><p class="p1">“Out?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. Asleep. Or, passed out. Not sure.”</p><p class="p1">Well, that’s why her memory was shot. But, asleep for two days? That’s not natural for anyone.</p><p class="p1">Akali spoke up again. “Are you sick?”</p><p class="p1">“I…I’m not sure.” As she was filling the kettle with water, her other hand touched her side. Was it bad that she couldn’t remember what she’d done to hurt herself?</p><p class="p1">“Hm, well, you should still take it easy since we’re done with main promo and all.”</p><p class="p1">“I plan to.” She crossed her arms and leaned against the counter, watching the flame on the gas stove. “This cycle has been hard.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. You…haven’t really been handling it well.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri let her face go slack, pretending not to hear the statement of obvious fact.</p><p class="p1">“And, I know you don’t like talking about it, but Eve and Kai won’t tell me what’s going on even though I know something’s up. More than the obvious, I mean. They’ve been acting skittish around each other since you passed out at the club and—”</p><p class="p1">“Huh?”</p><p class="p1">That finally got her attention.</p><p class="p1">“You mean you don’t remember?” Akali’s face immediately portrayed her concern.</p><p class="p1">“I…don’t really remember…much of what’s happened recently.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s really not normal, dude.”</p><p class="p1">Yeah, no shit. Ugh, this was just the same thing as always, people worrying about her, people prodding her for information she didn’t want to divulge—she really was sick of it. Even with nothing to do and no one to see, she still had an overwhelming urge to run away from everything. How easy would it be if she could just lock her whole life in a tiny box and store it away for when she was better at handling everything going on around her.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p class="p1">“Bro, you know that you’re going to have to own up some time.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>I don’t care</em>,” she snapped.</p><p class="p1">Akali looked shocked, but they were instantly distracted by the whistle of the kettle. Ahri used the pause in which she poured water into her cup to calm herself down. She didn’t even know where that anger came from. Being quick to anger was not how one would normally describe Ahri.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry, I shouldn’t be mean.”</p><p class="p1">Remembering what had happened the last time she held a cup of hot liquid, she placed the brewing tea down on the counter beside her.</p><p class="p1">“You’re not being mean—it’s just annoying that you’re so in denial about the whole thing. Everyone wants to help, and like Eve said, you’re just pushing us away. Like, you’re so obviously depressed, and you act like it’s nothing—”</p><p class="p1">“Obviously, I know I’m depressed. It’s kinda hard not to know.”</p><p class="p1">“Then, why don’t you do something about it?”</p><p class="p1">Akali was a sweet girl, but she really didn’t know when to stop talking. As if she could just wave her hand and everything would be fine and dandy again. It wasn’t like she didn’t try therapy and medication in the past, it was just that nothing stuck, and having to be in the spotlight again yanked all of her old memories, and fears, and insecurities back up into the open. No, just like before, it wasn’t something she could talk about with someone to get it off her chest and feel better. These were wounds that were deeply imbedded in her, claws that sank into her mind when she was young.</p><p class="p1">Probably being a teenage pop star didn’t exactly help matters.</p><p class="p1">“We can’t all be neurotypical, Rouge.”</p><p class="p1">“Hey, that’s no fair. I have ADHD.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri rolled her eyes, picking up the mug before taking a sip. “It was a joke.”</p><p class="p1">“Man,” she stood up from the couch and stretched, “you’re really prickly today. Eve and Kai’sa chose a good time to go out.”</p><p class="p1">Ah, so that’s why they weren’t around.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry. I don’t feel good.”</p><p class="p1">“Whatever. I’m gonna go play vidja.” She waved off Ahri’s bad attitude as she walked towards her room. “See ya.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri looked down at the steam that rose from her cup. She had the impulse to throw it to the floor and watch it shatter. Then, maybe Akali would understand that gluing and taping the glass back together wouldn’t magically make the spilled tea go back inside.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Leaving her company and canceling her comeback at the last minute was the first time the media turned on her.</p><p class="p1">It was horrible. The days after she was released from the hospital were relentless. People flooded her social media accounts with all sorts of garbage, some vitriolic, some melancholic, but all of them insisted that they be told <em>why</em>, as if that wasn’t incredibly obvious.</p><p class="p1">Her hospital visit had been blasted all over the news, but considering no one knew exactly what had happened—her label included—the rumor mill was running wild. Anorexia—no. Accident—kinda. Suicide attempt—likely. Exhaustion—getting closer. Mental breakdown—yeah, pretty much. Luckily, the label was scared shitless of being sued for negligence, so they gave her a very pretty severance package to keep her quiet after she told them she was quitting. The whole thing amused Ahri as much as it disgusted her. It was all that mattered to them. Money, money, money. Use her pretty face until she was a liability and then throw money at her to make the problem go away.</p><p class="p1">The whole thing was stupid. It wasn’t like she would go to the media and tell them what actually happened. She didn’t need more shame piled onto her.</p><p class="p1">Death threats were nothing new, especially in the light of the sasaeng fan scandal, but they got more frequent and numerous as she disappeared not only from public life but the internet as well. For all the netizens knew, she had disappeared off the face of the Earth the second she was discharged.</p><p class="p1">Maybe that was why Evelynn showed up at her newly re-rented apartment with a scowl.</p><p class="p1">Ahri opened the door for the first time she had in days. She knew she looked like shit but couldn’t get herself to care.</p><p class="p1">“Jesus, Foxy. You look like hell.”</p><p class="p1">She invited herself in, and Ahri just took a step back, knowing that an argument with Eve would be pointless. Plus, she didn’t need any weird paparazzi shots of Eve’s ass and her bare face showing up.</p><p class="p1">Eve sat down on her couch, the silver on her fingers drumming against the fabric.</p><p class="p1">“You haven’t been responding to my texts.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri stood there, already looking defeated. She stared down at her hand, which was still wrapped up in bandages.</p><p class="p1">“My phone died, and I haven’t charged it.”</p><p class="p1">Technically, it was the truth. Around the fifth day of staring into the abyss of hate messages, she decided to not check her phone ever again. It still rested in her bedside drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not healthy to hole yourself up in your place all alone.”</p><p class="p1">“Someone might make good on their threats and shank me, otherwise.”</p><p class="p1">She didn’t truly believe that, but it was as good an excuse as any. And, anyway, the sentiment was dark enough that it made even Evelynn cringe.</p><p class="p1">“Okay, fair point, but still. You look terrible,” she chided. “When was the last time you bathed?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri picked at a strand of limp, greasy blonde hair, eyeing it with little to no expression.</p><p class="p1">“I dunno.”</p><p class="p1">“And, you’re way skinnier than when I last saw you at the hospital.”</p><p class="p1">“No groceries.”</p><p class="p1">“Fuck, Ahri. If you need groceries, I’ll get some for you. You don’t have to fucking starve.”</p><p class="p1">She shook her head. “Not hungry.”</p><p class="p1">“Do you think I’m going to wait around and watch you self-destruct?”</p><p class="p1">She shrugged.</p><p class="p1">“That’s it. We’re ordering food, and you’re going to eat it or so help me.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri looked down at her feet. The toenail polish was worn and chipped. She wiggled her toes against the carpet and wondered how she managed to get herself in this situation. What had she done in a past life to deserve this? Everything felt so overwhelming and hopeless. Maybe a part of her did want to slowly break apart until she was nothing. Not eat until she starved to death. Not take care of a body she didn’t even want anymore.</p><p class="p1">She heard the sound of her knees hitting the floor before she had even realized her legs had given out. She felt tears run down her face before she even realized she’d begun to cry. The sound of her sobbing so hard was alarming. It had Eve crouched down beside her, trying to get her back in this realm of reality. None of it felt real. If someone had told her it was actually a different person on her floor having a breakdown, she would have believed it.</p><p class="p1">Even her words didn’t feel like her own.</p><p class="p1">“I wanna die, Evelynn. I just want to die—”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t say shit like that,” she hissed.</p><p class="p1">“There’s—there’s nothing left for me. I don’t have anything left—”</p><p class="p1">“That’s bullshit. You have your entire life ahead of you.” Eve grabbed her shoulders, which forced Ahri to look at her regardless of how hard she was crying. “And, don’t say you have nothing. You have me, and if the only thing keeping you from killing yourself is me, I’ll take it.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri threw her arms around her and cried into her shoulder.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Everyone hates me. And, I—” She hiccuped. “I didn’t know things would be this hard. It all feels like torture.”</p><p class="p1">Eve rubbed at her back, doing her best to be as soothing as possible, which didn’t come naturally to her, but she had to do something.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t hate you, baby. People can say what they want, but I know you, and I know that you’re doing the best you can. It’s not your fault those fuckheads were abusive to you.”</p><p class="p1">Still, she couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea that her company was actively abusing her. Her brain told her it wasn’t possible. Even though she knew that things weren’t going well, ‘abusive’ seemed too far.</p><p class="p1">“People don’t get like this by themselves. It’s not your fault, gumiho.”</p><p class="p1">She wished it was her fault so she could have an explanation for how deeply she disliked herself.</p><p class="p1">“I just wish there was a way out—a way to disappear.”</p><p class="p1">“Things will get better with time, darling,” Eve said softly while petting her hair. “You just went through something very traumatic. It will feel bad for a while, but eventually, it won’t hurt as much.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s grip on her became tighter.</p><p class="p1">“Please don’t leave me alone. I’m scared to be alone.”</p><p class="p1">“I can stay for a while. We can get delivery, and snuggle up in a blanket, and watch stupid shit.”</p><p class="p1">She sniffed, finally lifting her head.</p><p class="p1">“R-Really?”</p><p class="p1">“Yes, dear. Someone needs to remind you that you're worth taking care of.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re being so nice to me,” she said, rubbing at her nose.</p><p class="p1">“We’ll keep that our secret. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri, for the first time in what seemed like years, laughed. “Your secret’s safe with me.”</p><p class="p1">Eve put a hand on her cheek and wiped away a stray tear with her thumb.</p><p class="p1">“My gumiho.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ahri didn’t know what else to do but sit in bed.</p><p class="p1">The before times kept creeping into her mind, replaying her lowest points as if her brain was resorting to mockery. It was sort of nice in the way that she was reminded of Eve’s fleeting care and affection, but everything else was morose and hurt her chest, like a sympathetic pang for her younger self.</p><p class="p1">Eve was right. Things did get better, and without her, she might not have made it. Now, she had a loving found family and a career that rivaled the success of her previous one. It was funny, in a way. Usually, people start in a group and then go solo, but she’d done the exact opposite. She never realized how much nicer it was to have other members to rely on instead of being alone and isolated all the time.</p><p class="p1">So, then, why was she sitting in her bedroom isolating again?</p><p class="p1">Social isolation is a symptom of depression, Ahri’s brain responded, to which she replied, no shit. As she told Akali, it was obvious. Depression, at a certain point, is very difficult to hide. Sure, she went through periods where she could fake it, where she could put on a smile and lie through her teeth, but it’d gone beyond that this time. She was tired and overworked and sensitive. Maybe she needed a vacation.</p><p class="p1">(<em>Why? So you can be depressed in a hotel room instead of your apartment?</em>)</p><p class="p1">“Not helpful,” she muttered to herself, pulling her knees up to her chest.</p><p class="p1">(<em>Now you’re talking to yourself?</em>)</p><p class="p1">“Shush.”</p><p class="p1">(<em>Who are you talking to, Ahri?</em>)</p><p class="p1">She groaned, putting her forehead on her knees. Not having anyone to talk to was wearing on her. Being a Sagittarius, a constant stream of conversation and attention was a must, and yet, the sad side of herself wanted to hide away forever.</p><p class="p1">Her charging phone began to ring, interrupting her thoughts. Saved by the bell, it seemed.</p><p class="p1">“Hello?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Baby, you’re awake.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Even though Evelynn always used pet names on everyone, she very much liked being called ‘baby.’ It felt infantilizing but in the way she liked, almost as if Eve wanted to take care of her. She very much wanted to be taken care of by someone considering all of the affection she missed out on as a teenager.</p><p class="p1">“Y-Yeah. Did ‘Kali tell you?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Yeah. She also said you were being testy because you feel sick.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Oh. I mean, she’s right, but I didn’t mean it.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>You aren’t coming down with something, are you?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe. I don’t know. I feel nauseous, but I can’t throw up.”</p><p class="p1">Eve clucked sadly. “<em>My poor foxy. You’ve been having such a hard time.</em>”</p><p class="p1">This doting affection was making her skin heat up, assuming she wasn’t developing a fever. It made her think of those old memories, of Eve wrapping her in a blanket like a swaddled baby and taking care of her when she was at her breaking point. She wasn’t quite at that point, of course, but she knew Eve had it in her when she needed it.</p><p class="p1">“I miss when you used to come over and take care of me back in the day.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Sentimental today, are we?</em>” Eve was back to full-on flirtation mode, which wasn’t surprising considering that was her default. “<em>There’s no reason we can’t have a cuddle party later. Right, Bokkie?</em>”</p><p class="p1">She could vaguely hear a semi-annoyed ‘mm-hmm’ from Kai’sa. Ahri wondered what the beef between them was, especially since Akali mentioned it earlier.</p><p class="p1">“What are you guys up to?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Just some shopping. Kai’sa wanted to get groceries.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Ah.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Is there anything you want, darling?</em>”</p><p class="p1">Her stomach turned at the idea of eating.</p><p class="p1">“No. I’m still pretty nauseous.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Alright. We can get something easy on the stomach.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Thanks.” The thought was nice, but it would be nicer if she didn’t have to eat anything at all—not that Eve would ever let her get away with that. Whatever. But, she did have something else she wanted to ask. “D-Did you know I slept for two days?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>I did.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Do you think it’s because I don’t feel well?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>It’s complicated, darling. I’ll talk to you when we get home, okay?</em>”</p><p class="p1">That answer wasn’t exactly satisfying. What did she mean by ‘complicated?’</p><p class="p1">“Sure.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>We’ll be back soon.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Okay. I’ll see you.”</p><p class="p1">The call ended, and she sat her phone down next to her. Even with everything going on, she did feel lucky to have people care about her, and even though there was tension between—well, all of them—the idea of having her friends around was nice for once. Just as long as they didn’t badger her to talk about stuff. She still couldn’t open up yet, not when she couldn’t even open up to herself.</p><p class="p1">The sentiment reminded her of an earlier conversation, something Eve had suggested when they were out and about. Maybe she could write a song about how she was actually feeling instead of fudging the truth. I’ll Show You was truthful in a way, but in retrospect, it felt way too optimistic in light of everything.</p><p class="p1">It might take a little pressure off of her chest, at least.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">She hit the ‘go live’ button.</p><p class="p1">It always took a few seconds for the stream to kick in, for people to get notifications on the app. But, once it did, there was always an explosion of activity.</p><p class="p1">“Hi guys!” She waved with both hands at the camera. “How are you doing? I had some time tonight to write, and I wanted to share it with you.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; ahriiii queeeeeen</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; girl you look so good!!!</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; y’all killed it on MusicBox</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; the baddest is such a bop, should’ve been the main single</p><p class="p1">“Oh, thank you! You guys look cute, too. I can’t see you, but I know it.” She tapped her head and pulled the sweetest smile.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; queen queen queen</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; ahri is my life</p><p class="p1">“Ah, I’ve been trying to write more in English considering it’s still not my strong suit. Also, it’s been a while since I did a demo on the piano, so I’m really excited to get back into my groove, y’know?”</p><p class="p1">It was pretty sad that she acted so bubbly with her fans when she could barely get herself to smile once the cameras turned off. As much as she hated who she was as a soloist, there were some habits that seemed impossible to kick—some more obvious than others. That was kind of why she wrote the song.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; lay it on us sis</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; new track! new track! new track!</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; god ahri always sounds so good on LLives</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” she laughed. “Try not to judge me too harshly. This is pretty different from my usual fare.”</p><p class="p1">She set her fingers on her first chord, breathed in, and began.</p><p class="p1">“<em>If I could choose anything<br/>
</em><em>I would be good and bad one day<br/>
</em><em>I would fall into love and stay<br/>
</em><em>Would fall into love</em></p><p class="p1">“<em>And it's not fair<br/>
</em><em>I keep on writing a sequel to stories<br/>
</em><em>I know that are not there<br/>
</em><em>I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live like this</em>”</p><p class="p1">There were already comments in the chat.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; dam this shit deep</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; goddess level vocals</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; holy shit this is depresssing</p><p class="p1">She tapped a pen on the edge of the keyboard to simulate a kick drum.</p><p class="p1">“<em>I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel<br/>
</em><em>I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel<br/>
</em><em>Something really real so that I can really<br/>
</em><em>Feel like a person again—whoo!</em>”</p><p class="p1">She imagined this would be where the instrumental would swell, would sound like swaying and good times, would feel comforting. She smiled just thinking about it.</p><p class="p1">“<em>I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel<br/>
</em><em>I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel<br/>
</em><em>Something really real so that I can really<br/>
</em><em>Feel like a person again</em>”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; Ahri are you alrightttt</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; jesus christ</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; she wasn’t kidding when she said it was different</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; yeah her songs are usually so uplifting, hell even I’ll Show You is an anthem</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; you guys are so judgmental, let her write what she wants damn</p><p class="p1">“<em>If I am telling the truth<br/>
</em><em>Watching my friends break their hearts into two<br/>
</em><em>Makes me jealous, I know that it's cruel<br/>
</em><em>But what can you do?</em></p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; wait is she talking about the other members?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; what the hell is this song about</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; god this is fire</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; too sad, next</p><p class="p1">“<em>And it's not fair<br/>
</em><em>I keep on writing a sequel to stories<br/>
</em><em>I know that are not there<br/>
</em><em>I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live like this</em>”</p><p class="p1">This time she clapped the beat instead of tapping the pen.</p><p class="p1">“<em>I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel<br/>
</em><em>I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel<br/>
</em><em>Something really real so that I can really<br/>
</em><em>Feel like a person again</em></p><p class="p1">“<em>Can you tell me a secret?<br/>
</em><em>Can you tell me what's wrong with me?<br/>
</em><em>I know I should be angry<br/>
</em><em>But I can barely feel a fuckin' thing</em></p><p class="p1">“<em>Can you tell me a secret?<br/>
</em><em>Can you tell me what's wrong with me?<br/>
</em><em>Can you tell me what's wrong with me?</em>”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; whoa</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; damn</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; BOP BOP BOP</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; yaaaassss queeeeeeen u slayed it</p><p class="p1">“Hah, it’s not done obviously! But, uh, yeah. Just a little thing I threw together tonight. Probably won’t be on an album or anything. Maybe I’ll throw it up on soundcloud when I’ve got a rough production.”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; you sound sad as hell girl</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; told y’all that she was depressed</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; this isn’t much different than i’ll show you, the piano just makes it sound sad</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, guys, it’s not done. I want to make it sound comforting actually. I’ll Show You started on the piano, too. <a href="https://soundcloud.com/autumnmycat459/kda-ill-show-you-ft-twice-bekuh-boom-annika-wells-piano-version">Wanna hear it?</a>”</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; YES YES YES YES</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; omgggggg acoustic version</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; YAAAASSSSS</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; THE QUEEN IS BLESSING US</p><p class="p1">“You guys are so funny,” she giggled. “Alright, here we go. Hope I can remember the chords, oops.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">When Eve and Kai’sa got home, Ahri was not in her bedroom.</p><p class="p1">“Did Ahri leave?” Kai’sa asked Akali, who had given up on video games and returned to the couch once again to scroll through her phone.</p><p class="p1">“She went somewhere to stream,” Akali said, scrolling through her Twitter feed.</p><p class="p1">“She did?” Eve’s eyebrows furrowed.</p><p class="p1">“That’s weird. She never streams alone.”</p><p class="p1">“New song, too,” Akali said, not bothering to look up. “Guess she didn’t title it, but people are calling it ‘Feel Something.’”</p><p class="p1">“Clips?”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, yeah. Tons.”</p><p class="p1">Akali sat up, so that Eve and Kai’sa could squeeze next to her and look over her shoulder.</p><p class="p1">‘<em>Hey guys!</em>’ She smiled so bright and acted so enthusiastic.</p><p class="p1">“I hate that she always has to act fake as hell,” Akali muttered.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t be mean. That’s just how she is.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s not mean to tell the truth,” Eve said dryly.</p><p class="p1">As she began to play the song, they all frowned.</p><p class="p1">“Dark shit.”</p><p class="p1">“She hasn’t exactly been well…I think it’s good that she’s channeling her feelings productively.”</p><p class="p1">“I guess. It just doesn’t seem like she’s getting better.”</p><p class="p1">“Having more downtime will help.”</p><p class="p1">“I sure as hell hope so. I’m getting sick of her being so defensive all the time. I hate to admit it, but her being the leader and all really affects the morale when she’s bummed out.”</p><p class="p1">“I know, ‘Kali.”</p><p class="p1">There was a pause as Akali kept thumbing through their tag, but then she said, “Oh no.”</p><p class="p1">Eve looked over curiously. “What’s wrong?”</p><p class="p1">She finally turned her attention away from her phone and to the girls sitting next to her.</p><p class="p1">“Look.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa and Eve peered over her shoulder again. It was a link to an article.</p><p class="p1">“<em>EXCLUSIVE: REASON FOR K/DA AHRI’S ABSENCE FROM THE SPOTLIGHT REVEALED</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Oh no.”</p><p class="p1">“So many people are sharing it.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, God.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the quoted song is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l0PfHg45To">Feel Something by Bea Miller</a> who i was pleasantly surprised to see was in The Baddest when it came out because i love her stuff, so it's a little nod to her even though it isn't really ahri's style but fuck it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. 뉴스</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ahri is dragged back to the time where she was someone else.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>뉴스 "nyseu" = news</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“What are we gonna do?”</p><p class="p1">Akali was perched on the arm of the sofa, one leg hanging down, the other to her chest with her forearms crossed over her knee, chin resting there as she pouted. Eve leaned against the wall, glasses on, arms also crossed, anger and dread pooling out of her as if she was letting off smoke.</p><p class="p1">“We have to warn her,” Kai’sa said, pacing around the room.</p><p class="p1">“No.” Eve’s voice was sharp and low.</p><p class="p1">“Why not?” Kai’sa sounded equally on edge, considering they were already having issues and a tense disagreement was only making it worse.</p><p class="p1">“If you tell her not to look at social media, she’s going to look.”</p><p class="p1">“How do you know?” Akali asked.</p><p class="p1">“I know.”</p><p class="p1">They had no choice but to believe her.</p><p class="p1">“So, what do you propose? Wait for her to accidentally stumble across it while she’s checking the reception of her stream? She’s going to freak out.”</p><p class="p1">“I think that leaving it be until she comes back is the best option.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa was getting heated again. “I feel so hopeless doing nothing. We have to do <em>something</em>. If she sees—”</p><p class="p1">“You think I don't know what will happen, <em>Bokkie?</em>” Eve was mad now, too. “I saw her when she was going to <em>kill herself</em>. What do you know?”</p><p class="p1">Akali jumped up and got between them before Kai’sa had a chance to snap back at her. She held up her hands and said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fighting isn’t going to help, guys. Y’all need to chill out big time.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re not worried?”</p><p class="p1">“Of course I’m worried, but you two have been at each other’s throats lately, and that can only make things harder on Ahri.”</p><p class="p1">Eve pressed her arms harder against her chest. Kai’s looked away and out the window.</p><p class="p1">“Look,” Akali began, “I agree with both of you. Telling her not to look is going to cause some reverse psychology shit, but doing nothing is leaving things open to go wrong.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s it.” Kai’sa took out her phone. “I’m calling her.”</p><p class="p1">One of Eve’s lashers shot out and grabbed her arm.</p><p class="p1">“No.” A growl.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Evelynn</em>—”</p><p class="p1">“Guys!” The other women froze as if they were snapped out of a daze. Eve removed her lasher. Kai’sa let her arm fall to her side. “What is up with you two? You never act like this.”</p><p class="p1">This time Eve and Kai’sa's demeanors became tense, eyeing each other nervously. It was like they were silently saying, (<em>Who’s going to tell her?</em>).</p><p class="p1">“Fine,” Eve relented. “I fed off her. That’s why she passed out.”</p><p class="p1">Akali blinked. “Oh.”</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t mean to—take so much. We were both too reckless. I’m not proud of my actions.”</p><p class="p1">“Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p class="p1">“Wait, that’s what you’re upset about?” Kai’sa frowned.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not a five year old. I can deal with stuff like that. I wouldn’t have been so...harsh on Ahri if I knew…”</p><p class="p1">A silence sat on them all. It was much too heavy. They were all driving wedges between each other when they needed to be united to deal with the impending fallout.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Kai’sa said.</p><p class="p1">Eve nodded in agreement. “Call her. But, don’t say anything about the news. Tell her to get home quickly.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay.”</p><p class="p1">They all hoped and prayed she’d come home soon.</p><p class="p1"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">She didn't.</p><p class="p1"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>That went well</em>, Ahri thought to herself.</p><p class="p1">It’d been a while since she’d connected with her fans one-on-one, and it felt good. She’d almost forgotten how nice positive attention made her feel considering she’d been receiving so much of the negative kind recently. She picked up her bag and her keyboard, humming to herself as she exited the dance studio. There was almost a spring in her step, a welcome change when it felt as if she had been dragging her feet for so long.</p><p class="p1">It was only a small drive to Riot’s practice rooms, and she wanted privacy, so it was a good place to go. </p><p class="p1">Unlike Eve, Ahri didn’t care much for cars. She bought one because she liked the color of it—a nice iridescent sky blue—but then Eve went off on a tangent about horsepower, and Ahri mentally checked out. In retrospect, it was a fun and silly memory.</p><p class="p1">While placing her bag and keyboard in the backseat of her car, she was surprised to hear her phone ring.</p><p class="p1">It was Kai’sa. Weird.</p><p class="p1">“Bokkie?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ahri, where are you?</em>”</p><p class="p1">She leaned against the passenger-side door. “Oh, I’m just at Riot’s studios. I wanted some privacy to write.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>And, you’re doing alright?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. I’m okay. Relatively, anyway.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Okay. Are you coming home soon?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“In a few minutes.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Come straight home.</em>”</p><p class="p1">She blinked, surprised by the speed and intensity of her voice.</p><p class="p1">“Huh? Why?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>We’re all just worried. We want to make sure you’re safe.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Uh, yeah, I'm safe."</p><p class="p1">“<em>And, please try to stay off your phone.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Okay, this was getting really weird.</p><p class="p1">“Is something going on?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Uh…sort of. I don’t want to talk about it over the phone. Just promise me you’ll be back soon.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Anxiety welled in her chest, that familiar dread she often felt creeping into her stomach once again. She’d almost forgotten she felt nauseous. Weird how endorphins do that.</p><p class="p1">“Kai, you’re scaring me.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Sorry. I’m just worried about you.</em> <em>Please come right home,</em>” she repeated. She’d said it three times.</p><p class="p1">Ahri didn’t know how to respond. This sounded urgent, but her natural curiosity tugged at the back of her mind. Kai’sa wasn’t being fully truthful with her, which if there’s a giant problem, made sense. But, what could possibly fall under “get home now?”</p><p class="p1">“Is everyone alright?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Oh, yeah, of course.</em>” Kai’sa sounded taken aback. Did she understand how sus she sounded?</p><p class="p1">“Um, ok. If you say so. I’ll see you in a few, I guess.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Thanks, Ahri. See you then.</em>”</p><p class="p1">She ended the call and stared at the screen with furrowed eyebrows. What the hell? Ahri had never heard Kai’sa sound like that, at least not over something out of the blue like this. Slowly, she got into the car, suddenly feeling a bit paranoid.</p><p class="p1">Another notification popped up on her phone.</p><p class="p1">“Sona?”</p><p class="p1">Wow, she hadn’t heard from Sona for a long while, not since K/DA’s debut. Pentakill had always been amicable with them even though they were in different spheres, but they had sent flowers as congratulations way back when. Sona herself had reached out to her, saying she had been a big fan since her solo days. A fan of Evelynn, too. She really was a sweetheart. Ahri felt blessed to have connections in the industry that weren't pieces of shit. It was funny, though—Ahri thought that someone who produced metal wouldn’t be into pop music, but it turned out that wasn’t the case.</p><p class="p1">She also made electronic music, so maybe it wasn't that surprising.</p><p class="p1">“A good song is a good song,” Sona had written over KakaoTalk. “You four have something special. Keep ahold of that.”</p><p class="p1">Other than a few small chats here and there, though, they didn’t talk too much.</p><p class="p1">[<em>Sona: Ahri dear, are you okay?</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Ahri: Hm? Sure whats up?</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Sona: You haven’t seen the news?</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Ahri: The news? No…</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Ahri: Why? What kind of news?</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Sona: …</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Sona: It’s not pretty.</em>]</p><p class="p1">[<em>Sona: If you need anything, just ask. We're all here for you.</em>]</p><p class="p1">Ahri didn't know how to feel. It was the second baffling interaction in the span of minutes. What was going on? She could only gather that whatever “news” Sona was talking about, it was about her.</p><p class="p1">(<em>What are they saying? If it’s about me being depressed, I can take that. It’s true after all.</em>)</p><p class="p1">What could be so horrible that she shouldn’t see it? She’d had almost everything in the world slung at her over the years, and yeah, she was sensitive about it, but she was in a better mood than usual so…</p><p class="p1">She opened Twitter. Her DMs were unusually stacked, which—okay. That didn’t mean much. She searched their band tag. It kind of felt like she was standing at the edge of a cliff, flirting with a precipice she should have stayed far away from.</p><p class="p1">Then, she saw it.</p><p class="p1">“<em>EXCLUSIVE: REASON FOR K/DA AHRI’S ABSENCE FROM THE SPOTLIGHT REVEALED</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Huh?” was all she could get out. She clicked on the link.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Inside sources have revealed that an accident was the reason for her departure from her previous company CSS Entertainment.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“How would they—who would…?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>A dance practice gone awry.</em>” The subheader read. Too on the nose. Was this real? “<em>A mirror in CSS Ent’s practice room unexpectantly fell on Ahri while preparing for a comeback early in the morning. This lead to significant injuries and blood loss. She was not found until the next day, which resulted in Ahri being in critical condition</em>.”</p><p class="p1"><a id="return1" name="return1"></a>"절대 안돼…" <sup>[<a href="#note1">1</a>]</sup></p><p class="p1">“<em>CSS Ent paid approximately 550 million KRW to Ahri in an effort to suppress the story, terminating her contract soon after.</em>”</p><p class="p1">That…wasn’t really what happened, but it was too close to the truth to not be from someone inside the company.</p><p class="p1">“<em>However, it was also noted that the circumstances regarding the incident are unclear. The Fox Songstress was known for her solemn demeanor off-camera, especially within the company and within her fan community. Netizens have speculated CSS Ent’s negligence may not be primarily at fault, pointing to Ahri’s depressive nature as a possible cause for the accident.</em>”</p><p class="p1"><a id="return2" name="return2"></a>"세상에…" <sup>[<a href="#note2">2</a>]</sup></p><p class="p1">“<em>Watch K/DA Ahri’s MV I’ll Show You and remember to share this article and subscribe to KNNews.</em>”</p><p class="p1">At first, her mind was blank. She put her phone in her lap and stared at the concrete wall of the parking garage, dark and bleak and only lit by lights that rivaled that of a stage. This didn’t feel real. It had all been so long ago. They hadn’t found out then, but they’d found out now? Why? How?</p><p class="p1">The before times were so painful. She still remembered little flashes of that night, the glass in her skin and her head hitting the floor. Waking up alone in the hospital. Being alone. Alone. Left with nothing but a check and her trauma.</p><p class="p1">Out of all the things she had expected, she hadn’t thought that being slightly honest with the public (even before she sang her new song) would result in people figuring out what had happened when no one had pieced it together for years.</p><p class="p1">It felt like the first time since she had quit that the media had its claws in her. There was nothing she could say, nothing she could do. It was true after all.</p><p class="p1">She did it to herself.</p><p class="p1">Silence. Deafening silence. No radio, no footsteps, no ambiance. Nothing.</p><p class="p1">(<em>They left me with nothing. I was left with nothing.</em>)</p><p class="p1">And, now, everybody knew.</p><p class="p1">She grabbed her head and screamed, the silence disrupted. It ripped at her throat. If anyone was around they might have thought she’d been getting murdered. But, if Ahri screamed and there was no one around to hear her, did she really make a sound?</p><p class="p1">It was like her brain had snapped back to that time of not being real. This was happening to someone else. She was not in her car. Her thoughts were not her own.</p><p class="p1">(<em>I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t handle it I’m going to die if I stay here I need to leave I need to go I need to Get Out Now!</em>)</p><p class="p1">She peeled out of her parking space and drove much too fast out of the parking garage. It was still busy on the streets, but being past rush hour, she managed to get on the highway within a few minutes.</p><p class="p1">She didn’t even know where she was going. She just went. She drove and drove and drove. She just needed to go.</p><p class="p1">And, go she did.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><a id="note1" name="note1"></a><sup>1</sup> 절대 안돼 "jeoldae andwae" = no way <sup>[<a href="#return1">return to text</a>]</sup></p><p><a id="note2" name="note2"></a><sup>2</sup> 세상에 "sesang-e" = oh my god <sup>[<a href="#return2">return to text</a>]</sup></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. 호텔</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ahri checks into a hotel in the middle of nowhere and is forced to confront the totality of her past.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>호텔 "hotel"</p><p>cw: Explicit discussion of self-harm and eating disorders including numbers and body checking</p><p>(this gets fucking dark kids, buckle up)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">She pulled up to a convenience store. It was old and run down, much like the businesses around it. With her hair braided and wearing the sweatshirt she kept in the car in case it got cold, she slipped her sunglasses on and got out.</p><p class="p1">It was dark and windy. She didn’t know where she was, but it was by the coast—the east coast she assumed. The west coast was only about an hour outside of Seoul, and she had driven much longer than that. How long was another thing she wasn’t sure of. She was just here in this place, and that was all she knew.</p><p class="p1">A bell on the door jingled when she opened it. She knew what she wanted. Alcohol. Liquor. Soju. Anything. Anything to dull the ache and the panic and the everything everything everything. The 1.75L bottle of Chum Churum looked like a giant plastic water bottle, but it was all soju. She hadn’t drunk recreationally in years, which had her wondering if that was enough to drown her completely. Maybe get some beer, too? Why not? Who cares?</p><p class="p1">It felt like a party for the end of the world, except the party was a funeral and everyone was very sad.</p><p class="p1">She wandered the aisles, looking at the shelves of snack foods and miscellaneous products. The last time she ate was the morning of the taping, which was now approximately three days ago, so she needed something in her stomach. A bag of chips and an instant ramen would do, probably.</p><p class="p1">When she got to the counter, the older woman at the register eyed her. She cursed her ears and tail, things she couldn’t hide no matter what she wore. At least she wasn’t glammed up. Not really, anyway.</p><p class="p1">“You look like a girl from TV.”</p><p class="p1">She placed her things down. “Oh, yeah. I get that a lot.”</p><p class="p1">As the lady typed in the prices, she continued chatting. Poor woman. She must have been bored.</p><p class="p1">“What is a young lady such as yourself doing all the way out here?”</p><p class="p1">It was obvious, even in a sweatshirt and leggings with her hair tied back, that she was wealthy. Her sunglasses were designer. Her manicure was incredibly detailed even though they needed a fill. Her wallet was expensive, and her credit card was made of metal.</p><p class="p1">“Visiting a friend.”</p><p class="p1">“I see,” the woman said, clearly not believing her. "And, are you going to have a party?" She must have been referring to the large amount of alcohol.</p><p class="p1">"Yep."</p><p class="p1">“Oh, that sounds fun. Would you please sign?”</p><p class="p1">The receipt had her name on it because she used a fucking credit card. Stupid. Maybe that was why her hand began to shake when she took ahold of the pen. If the woman recognized her, she didn’t have to ask for an autograph because she just got one.</p><p class="p1">Sure enough, when she was leaving and the bell rang again, the lady said, “I like your music.”</p><p class="p1">“Thanks.”</p><p class="p1">She hated being rude, but she couldn’t force a smile or put any intonation in her voice. The whole point of being out in the boonies was so that people wouldn’t recognize her, but they did anyway. Just her fucking luck.</p><p class="p1">Getting back in the car, she looked to the passenger seat where her phone was. It kept lighting up with calls and texts and other notifications. Should she feel bad about ignoring her friends? Yes. Did she? Not really. There were too many other things sitting on her. If she could deal with her life, she wouldn’t be in this situation, so really, the point was moot.</p><p class="p1">She pulled into the first hotel she spotted. It wasn’t shabby but not fancy either. Just a normal hotel. She carried her bag, her purchases, and her keyboard in with her. It was all she had. It would have to do. Thankfully, the person at the front desk was a mousy looking man with thick glasses. He didn’t seem to recognize her. Thank God. Small mercies.</p><p class="p1">It’d been a long time since she’d been at a hotel as a normal person and not some glamorous superstar who could afford a penthouse suite. In that way, it was nice. She wanted to be away from all that, away from the fans and the gossip and the pressure. In reality, she knew it was impossible to escape the life she’d made for herself, but for the time she was in this room, it might be close to the truth.</p><p class="p1">The door shut behind her, and she dropped everything to the floor. Her keyboard made a cracking noise, but she didn’t really care. Could always buy a new one, after all. The beer, though, she’d have to wait to drink so it wouldn’t explode on her. Warm beer. Yum.</p><p class="p1">Soju it was, then.</p><p class="p1">She sat on the floor where she dropped her stuff and opened the plastic top. She took a swig straight from the bottle.</p><p class="p1">“Ick.”</p><p class="p1">Even though it tasted bad, that small amount of alcohol hit her fast. Definitely from an empty stomach. Low tolerance, too. She squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them again. She should probably eat something.</p><p class="p1">Slowly, she took the chips out of the bag. Something about them was intimidating. She felt sick again even though she hadn’t for the whole drive. What was wrong with her? Why did her body have that automatic response? Still, she opened the bag and put a chip in her mouth.</p><p class="p1">Her body felt heavy, and she frowned, guilt rising up.</p><p class="p1">Okay, since she was truly alone now, maybe she should be real with herself and admit that she was struggling with something a lot more serious than just “not being hungry.” Can you really not be hungry for days on end? No, it felt like she <em>shouldn’t</em> be eating. Of course, alcohol had calories, but she was consuming that in order to lose her mind.</p><p class="p1">She remembered the days of being a trainee. Weekly weigh-ins. You had to be under 50 kilograms no matter your height, and being 167 centimeters, that was already underweight. When she was solo, she hovered around 47 kilograms because she was terrified of being yelled at in front of everyone like some of the other girls had.</p><p class="p1">Minji was one of her best friends. They’d joined the company at around the same time and were put in the same trainee group. Minji was beautiful, but the higher-ups continually told her to lose weight even though it was very clear that she couldn’t. A sick part of her was always smugly proud of herself for being thinner. She would have never said it out loud, but the little voice in the back of her head was there.</p><p class="p1">Was it that little voice that was telling her she was nauseous, that she didn’t feel hungry, that she didn’t want to eat?</p><p class="p1">During her absence from the public eye, it’d been impossible for her to keep her weight that low, not only because Evelynn would come over often and make sure she ate but also because she’d—um…filled out. A lot. She suddenly had hips and thighs and none of her clothes fit, and—</p><p class="p1">She clutched her head and shook it. Why were these things bothering her now? When K/DA was forming and up until recently, her weight hadn’t really been on her mind. Too busy managing the group, her fragrances, her clothing line. But, now, it was back again. A relapse of sorts. In the hospital, her only diagnosis had been depression regardless of how underweight she was. Maybe because she didn’t outwardly express any preoccupation with weight and food, they assumed she was that thin naturally.</p><p class="p1">With another swig of alcohol, she crawled over to the mirror on the wall. Her hair was messy and her skin was pale. Her roots were starting to grow in. She had only put on a little bit of makeup for her stream, and it did nothing to hide her obvious distress. Slowly, she rose to her knees, lifting up her sweatshirt and the top underneath. One of the things that still lingered with her from the before times was that her eyes were broken. She couldn’t tell if she was “alright.” She knew she was thin, of course, but no matter how hard she stared, she could never tell if she was thin <em>enough</em>. Whatever that meant.</p><p class="p1">(The injury on her side still looked awful. She wished she knew how she got it.)</p><p class="p1">She ran her hands over her hips. Yep, still there. She wasn’t a teenager anymore and probably couldn’t get down to 50 kilograms again if she tried.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn had been right like she always was. During her promotions as a soloist, she could barely stand sometimes because she would be highly encouraged to lose just a little more weight before a comeback. Most of that was possible by only eating a few hundred calories a day for at least a month. Combined with the constant practice, vocal and physical alike, it was almost too easy to get that much thinner. Everyone loved the Blonde-Pink-Bubblegum version of herself, so they must have loved when she starved, too.</p><p class="p1">In retrospect, she was astonished it took as long as it did for her to snap.</p><p class="p1">“Abuse” seemed like a strong word even still, but there was no way to be an idol in a major company and not face poor treatment. It was always sing better, dance harder, eat less. Push more and more and more. It was worse as a trainee because no one knew if they were even going to debut let alone be successful. The only thing they could count on was each other.</p><p class="p1">They thought.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t get too close,” they said, and when asked why not, the reply was, “You may not debut in the same group.” Between her and Minji, the thought seemed impossible. After all, they just <em>had</em> to debut together. They were two peas in a pod, two sides of the same coin, a packaged deal. They were so close that they’d shared very intimate details of their lives with each other.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t remember anything but my adoptive parents, but I always knew that I was different. It was pretty hard to ignore. I used to ask, ‘<em>Mommy, why don’t you have a tail?</em>’ and she said, ‘<em>Because in this world, we are all different, and you are the most unique.</em>’”</p><p class="p1">“What a gal.”</p><p class="p1">“I know, right? Um, but once I got old enough to understand what being adopted meant, they were really open about it. They even told me the story the paster that ran the adoption center would always tell. It was something like, ‘<em>A baby fox was set on my doorstep hugging her tail and swaddled in blankets. That was when I knew that God had blessed me.</em>’”</p><p class="p1">“Awww! Sounds like a sweet man.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know. I was a baby.”</p><p class="p1">“Do you feel sad that you don’t know your real parents?”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe. But, my parents are my parents, you know? I’ve never known anything different. You have to wonder, though, why I was left there in the first place.”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe your mom was freaked out that she gave birth to a fox girl?”</p><p class="p1">She laughed, “That’s certainly a possibility.”</p><p class="p1">“Well, I’m glad you had a lot of support growing up.”</p><p class="p1">“I did. It was nice. I’m very fortunate.”</p><p class="p1">Minji wasn’t so lucky. Her family had always been poor. Even for her to be a trainee, her father had to take out a loan. They were both convinced that when their group became popular, everything would be fine.</p><p class="p1">Except she was picked as a soloist, and Minji never debuted. She left the company and hadn’t heard from her since.</p><p class="p1"><em>Pour one out for Minji</em>, she thought while taking another drink of soju. God, three shots and she was already feeling dizzy. She needed to eat, her brain said while simultaneously telling her not to.</p><p class="p1">Soon, she found herself on the bed, checking the commentary.</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; I don’t understand what KNN meant about it not being CSS’s fault, I mean what does being depressed have to do with a fucking mirror crushing you in the middle of a dance practice??????</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; its sus to be sure, feels like a smear campaign</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; maybe CSS is trying to avoid backlash?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; if a mirror “fell on her” it was probably a portable one, she could have tipped it</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; maybe she was looking for attention??</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; yeah because someone would ruin their career for “attention” are you fucking serious right now?</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; She was probably trying to kill herself</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; the industry makes you wacky man</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; God, I would love it if it was her fault</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; JESUS y’all antis are fucking insane!!!!</p><p class="p1">&gt;&gt; if it’s her fault, she deserves what she got</p><p class="p1">It was her fault. She deserved what she got.</p><p class="p1">Tears fell onto her phone screen. <em>Plop, plop, plop</em>. Like raindrops. She wished it was raining. The deafening silence of being alone was the worst part of being alone even though she wanted to be alone. She rubbed her phone screen on the pillow to get the moisture off just in time to receive another phone call.</p><p class="p1">Akali.</p><p class="p1">When it stopped vibrating, the notification for a voicemail popped up.</p><p class="p1">“<em>We can see that you’re online, you asshole! Pick up! Where are you?! Ahri!!</em>”</p><p class="p1">Knowing she wasn’t dead should be enough. Why couldn’t she have her space?</p><p class="p1">(<em>Are you delusional or really that stupid?</em>)</p><p class="p1">Both, probably.</p><p class="p1">She decided to take a shower but only turned on the cold water. She sat down, hugged her knees to her chest, and stayed like that until she was shivering so hard that her teeth chattered. Her phone was vibrating on the bathroom counter. She wished they would stop calling.</p><p class="p1">Once she couldn’t stand the cold anymore, she turned off the water, dried herself, and got dressed. Even then, she couldn’t help but be transfixed by her reflection.</p><p class="p1">Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Fox ears.</p><p class="p1">(<em>What if you </em><em>let your hair go black?</em>)</p><p class="p1">
  <em>What if I ripped my hair out of my head?</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Ugh.” She put her head in her hands. Being intoxicated only made the bad part of her brain louder, taunting her with the thoughts that she could push away while sober.</p><p class="p1">Her phone ran again.</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ahri, we are so worried about you—please pick up or text us—just let us know you’re okay, </em>please<em>.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Well, she was alive, but “okay” was generous.</p><p class="p1">She was back on her bed. This time she huddled under the covers, the chill so deeply embedded into her body that she could imagine it had seeped into her bones. Leggings and a sweatshirt and a sheet and a blanket and a duvet were not nearly enough to scare it away. Shouldn’t being drunk make her feel warm? Had she ruined the part of her brain that regulated her temperature? Maybe she needed to drink more.</p><p class="p1">This time, she tried gulps, drinking it like it was actually the water bottle that it looked like. Being kind of fucked up meant that she could barely taste the bite of alcohol anymore. Good, she thought. Easier to work with.</p><p class="p1">Her phone rang again.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ahri, this is so fucking ridiculous. You have a choice. We can either help you or not. I’m done holding your hand while you fuck up. Things are in your ballpark now, but I’m not going to hold my breath. Bye.</em>”</p><p class="p1">The message made her laugh for some reason. It was just so like Eve to be done with her shit. She almost liked that response more than people begging for her to contact them. Eve trusted her to make her own decisions even while extremely psychologically compromised, and that calmed her a bit. She didn’t intend to make good decisions, but she appreciated the sentiment.</p><p class="p1">She drank more. How much alcohol would it take for her to blackout? Well, she’d cross that bridge when she came to it.</p><p class="p1">An idea popped into her head. Get rid of what made her Ahri.</p><p class="p1">But, first, she needed scissors.</p><p class="p1">That wasn’t something that a hotel store would usually have, although she might as well check. Sure enough, they didn’t have scissors, but they had a mini sewing kit with those tiny little scissors only sharp enough to cut thread. Also, there was no one manning the store since it was very early in the morning, and the guy at the front desk was probably the only staff there, so she just took one. She’d leave a big tip in her room when she eventually…</p><p class="p1">Wait. When was she going to leave? Where would she go? Why did a part of her brain say that she wasn’t ever going to check out?</p><p class="p1">Back in her room, she took another drink—well, she tried. This one didn’t agree with her. She ran into the bathroom but only got as far as the sink before she threw up. Luckily, it was all just liquid so at least she didn’t make a mess.</p><p class="p1">Okay, now down to business.</p><p class="p1">She ripped open the package and threw the rest of the shit in the garbage, only really caring about the little scissors. The blades looked dull as all hell. She swiped them over her wrist just to test them out. They only left a white scratch, not even breaking the skin. Hopefully, they’d work out regardless.</p><p class="p1">Taking a bit of hair, she snipped at it. Only a few strands actually cut. This was going to be harder than she thought. A smaller piece worked better, but it was going to take forever to go all the way around her head. She sighed but kept at it. Pink and blonde slowly collected on the floor until it was a giant pile.</p><p class="p1">Setting the scissors down, she left the bathroom and stood in front of the full-length mirror.</p><p class="p1">Her hair was now a scraggly bob, sort of like Evelynn's had been when she was solo but a little longer and obviously way worse looking. She liked how she didn’t look like herself. Or, maybe she was just way too drunk. Even then, she still felt hatred roil in her gut. Her reflection reminded her that she existed, and ultimately, that was the root issue. As long as she existed, she would have to deal with the ramifications of her actions, and it had gotten to the point where those ramifications were boiling over and spilling all over the floor.</p><p class="p1">Maybe that was why she did it again.</p><p class="p1">She picked up her keyboard and smashed it into the mirror. Once—split. Twice—fractured. Three times—shattered.</p><p class="p1">It felt better to look at her reflection through the broken pieces scattered at her feet because, at least then, it accurately portrayed how she felt.</p><p class="p1">Finally, everything caught up with her. She knelt to the floor and sobbed, picking up a piece of mirror and squeezing it in her hand until it drew blood. Red lines dribbled down her arm before dripping off her elbow.</p><p class="p1">The media—the commenters—they were right about her. Boring, selfish, attention-seeking, deceptive, <em>fake</em>. It had been her greatest fear that they were always right about her. Now that the world knew the truth, it was clear the only thing she deserved was the treatment she received from the public. She didn’t deserve the wealth, the status, the fame.</p><p class="p1">The love.</p><p class="p1">Her own parents didn’t even want her. Was she really that terrible to be around? Considering how miserable she’d been making the other girls lately, it was very likely. Being here in this hotel was probably good for everyone else. She was alone, just as it ought to be.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Ouch</em>—”</p><p class="p1">Sharp pain brought her back to the present. The shard she’d been clutching dropped from her hand, distorted with red, and clattered on another broken piece. Her palm was sliced open. The alcohol made her bleed more than normal. She should have been alarmed, but she didn’t feel much of anything. There might not be much left of her now that her past was up for display. She didn’t even have ownership over the worst day of her life.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She didn't know who she was talking to, and she didn’t know why she'd said it.</p><p class="p1">Her phone rang once more, and this time, Ahri picked up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. 남용</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The girls do their best to help Ahri along.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>남용 "nam-yong" = abusive</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">They weren’t sure what they were expecting when they opened the door, but it wasn’t this.</p><p class="p1">After having a “talk” with the lady at the front desk, they managed to get their hands on a key card and Ahri’s room number. Ahri had been adamant they <em>not</em> come get her and refused to give them any information, but they did convince her to share her location metadata in the group chat just so they could keep an eye on her.</p><p class="p1">As if Evelynn, Kai’sa, and Akali wouldn’t drive four hours to make sure their gumiho was safe. Well, it was less than that because Eve was never one to follow the speed limit.</p><p class="p1">So, there they were, standing in the doorway of a now trashed hotel room.</p><p class="p1">“Holy shit.”</p><p class="p1">The floor was littered with pieces of broken glass and plastic from what they could only assume was the keyboard resting on the bed. It’d seen better days. An empty soju bottle and several cans surrounded a small fox, curled into what looked like an uncomfortable way to rest.</p><p class="p1">Ahri lifted her head from the carpet, eyes red and puffy and glazed over. It seemed like she had fallen asleep with a beer in her hand. Her left. The right was wrapped in a bath towel. When she blinked at them, they blinked right back, the whole room frozen.</p><p class="p1">“Y-Your hair…” Akali reached up to her own to make sure it was still there.</p><p class="p1">She turned away. “Don’t look at me.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa was the first person to notice that some of the glass pieces were bloody. She broke out of the group’s paralysis and rushed over to her, crouching down and trying to catch her attention without touching her.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri, did you hurt yourself?”</p><p class="p1">“D-Don’t…I don’t wanna…”</p><p class="p1">A flash of fear constricted Evelynn’s chest. The distinctive memory of young Ahri, so thin and frail, collapsing to the floor and babbling about wanting to…die.</p><p class="p1">Eve eyed the alcohol strewn around and slowly nudged Akali inside the room so she could shut the door. Walking into the bathroom, she stepped over the pile of hacked off blonde hair to grab a glass and fill it with water. She went over to Ahri and bent down to offer it to her.</p><p class="p1">“Drink, love.” Ahri shook her head, not seeming to understand what Evelynn wanted her to do, just refusing all of the fussing in general. For some reason, all of Evelynn’s anger and annoyance had drained from her, which kept her voice soft and even. “It’s just water.”</p><p class="p1">Akali was still just standing there. She was clearly at a loss, the shock of Ahri’s behavior making her unsure how to respond.</p><p class="p1">Eve brought the glass to Ahri’s lips, which forced blue eyes to meet gold. The throb in her chest must have been from finally connecting to her sorrow, but it tasted bitter like alcohol. “Drink,” she urged again, and for some reason, this time she complied. Still, silent tears ran down her cheeks.</p><p class="p1">At this point, Akali decided that if she couldn’t do anything else, she might as well start cleaning things up. As she picked up handfuls of her hair, she remembered the broken coffee mug and wondered why Ahri felt the need to destroy things, whether accidentally or intentionally. Glass, mirrors, her keyboard, her hair.</p><p class="p1">She’d spent so long growing out her bangs, too, and when she got the pink added on, she seemed so happy and confident. And, now, Ahri’s just…</p><p class="p1">The pre-comeback Ahri acted so differently. She was excited and supportive and bubbly and happy, but also, she worked super hard and was always shut in an office somewhere and made them do takes on takes on takes when they all sounded the same. Overworking. Obsessing. Hiding. Pretending. Akali released the hair into the small garbage bin, suddenly realizing that this wasn’t an isolated event. Eve and Ahri had both spoken darkly about her past, Eve even getting into fights because she saw her slipping in the way she had in the past and Ahri refusing to acknowledge it.</p><p class="p1">Now, she felt so stupid—so useless.</p><p class="p1">When she came back out, Eve and Kai’sa had managed to get Ahri to sit on the bed. Kai’sa sat on one side and Eve was kneeled in front of her with a hand on Ahri’s leg. It almost looked like she was getting ready to propose.</p><p class="p1">“Let me see your hand, darling.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri sat there, shivering, her wrapped up hand pressed to her chest. She didn’t say anything, didn’t even refuse.</p><p class="p1">Akali went to start picking up the glass, but Kai’sa held out her arm. “Not with your bare hands.”</p><p class="p1">“Ahri,” Eve whispered. “Let me see your hand.”</p><p class="p1">Slowly, she reached up and took Ahri’s arm, leading it down so it was out in front of her. Gently unwrapping the towel, the gash on her palm revealed itself. The blood was still fresh and pooling. Kai’sa put a hand over her mouth while Akali couldn’t help but make a sound of surprise. Eve, somehow, remained composed.</p><p class="p1">“How long ago did you get the cut?”</p><p class="p1">“R-Right before—the call,” she slurred.</p><p class="p1">She took that to mean right before she finally picked up the phone. So it had been at least a few hours, and it hadn’t clotted.</p><p class="p1">“She needs stitches,” Eve said, which made Ahri shudder.</p><p class="p1">“Not again…”</p><p class="p1">She didn’t blame her reluctance. Back then, due to the sharpness of the mirror and how heavy the wooden backing was when it fell on her, she’d needed stitches and sutures on many parts of her body, mostly on her back and shoulders. Eve could imagine that had caused her trauma to be linked to the treatment as well as the injury.</p><p class="p1">“It’s just so it can heal properly.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri whimpered, wincing when Kai’sa pressed the towel back on her hand to mop up the continued bleeding.</p><p class="p1">Eve looked up when she noticed that Akali was standing beside her. It was no surprise that she looked sad since they all did, but there was something different in Akali’s eyes, something like guilt.</p><p class="p1">“I know you probably don’t want to be touched right now, but I-I feel like I should give you a hug.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri just sort of stared back at her. God, she hadn’t noticed how thin her face had gotten. The short hair only accentuated her jawline. They’d been around each other for so long that she never even noticed she’d begun to lose weight. It probably started even before the promotions.</p><p class="p1">“Okay?”</p><p class="p1">Slowly, Ahri nodded. Akali sat next to her and pulled her into an embrace. Kai’sa quickly joined. Eve rested her cheek on her knee.</p><p class="p1">Quiet sniffs and hiccups.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry. I know it’s selfish of me—I know it is—but I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it anymore<em>.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Akali rubbed at her back, feeling tears prick at her eyes, too.</p><p class="p1">“I understand, Ahri.” Kai’sa spoke evenly and slowly. “Your privacy was violated, and a very hard time in your life was broadcast to people who won’t handle it with care. It makes sense that this would cause you a lot of problems.”</p><p class="p1">She was crying hard now.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri…”</p><p class="p1">“I just wish—I just wish I didn’t have to be in the spotlight to be successful. Why is it about how I look and what I do? Why can’t I just make something that I like…?”</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t fair, and they all knew it wasn’t.</p><p class="p1">The way idols are treated—it isn’t fair. The idealized beauty, the totalitarian hold on their lives, the brutal training, the constant emotional negligence and manipulation, and that’s just what trainees experience. Once you debut, companies do little to nothing to mitigate the harassment they get both online and in reality. Human and even inhuman minds are not psychologically prepared to deal with that sort of hate on such a scale.</p><p class="p1">So many of her friends and colleagues had killed themselves recently. She had loved them so much, and they had connected so deeply back in the day, but that just wasn’t enough. They were gone, and there was nothing she could do about it. She might have been one, too, if not for Evelynn, if not for the girls right now.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn—she’s far wiser and accepting of her nature. Being berated by the press is barely but a gust in the wind.</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa—she’s relatively new to the scene and has a stiff upper lip. She clearly went through things that hardened her to criticism. Maybe it was her constant moves and her constant outsider status.</p><p class="p1">Akali—she's so good at what she does that no one can touch her. Even if someone does criticize her, she would merely laugh in their faces. She's a spitfire, a quick learner, and knows what she has.</p><p class="p1">The thing Ahri lacked was confidence.</p><p class="p1">She used to have it. Of course, she did. She was moderately successful on the internet before she became a trainee. But, the in-house system chipped at her and chipped at her, and her management berated her and stifled her, and the media went from loving her fake self to immediately turning on her once she couldn’t take it anymore. Her resilience had been ruined. The parts of her she saw in Evelynn, Kai’sa, and Akali gave up. It only caused her to suffer more.</p><p class="p1">And, that was why she always teetered on the edge of a cliff. Even being totally confident in her ability to bring a banging comeback and being totally confident in her girls, well, it wasn’t enough. The past loomed over her too heavily.</p><p class="p1">What if they…hated it? What if they hated her? Who would she be then? A wannabe, a faker, a poser. She’d be all of her worst fears, and Ahri—she couldn’t live with that.</p><p class="p1">But, it wasn’t true! That was the most frustrating thing of all. She <em>knew</em> that she had what it took. She <em>knew</em> she and the others had the talent to back it up, but still, the words of everyone else had wormed into her head, and it felt inescapable.</p><p class="p1">“I can’t—I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t wanna—have to deal—”</p><p class="p1">Akali looked at Eve and Kai’sa, unsure of what to do. Eve was visibly upset, but more so than just her stoic anger. She was <em>sad</em>. Only Kai’sa had seen it before so it was novel.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri, we should take you home, and then you can get treatment without it being broadcast.”</p><p class="p1">“No,” she choked, “just leave me here to die."</p><p class="p1">Evelynn bristled way more than the rest of them. "No fucking way. Never fucking ever." She continued, “I’m going to gag her with my lashers and find an emergency exit. You guys distract the receptionist until the alarm goes off.”</p><p class="p1">Akali saluted with two fingers.</p><p class="p1">“Whatever you say, Boss.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn laughed even though she wasn’t sure she could ever laugh again.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">They listened to her the whole way home. It was the least they could do.</p><p class="p1">“I could barely eat. I was so hungry all the time. All I thought about was food.”</p><p class="p1">She cried hard into Kai’sa’s shoulder while Akali sat upfront with a hand over her eyes. Evelynn just kept revving her engine on the highway because she was probably going to blow a gasket if she didn't.</p><p class="p1">“They took away Minji! I loved her, and they took her away—they told us we probably wouldn’t debut together, and I didn’t believe them, and—”</p><p class="p1">“Foxy, it’s okay.” Kai’sa was trying her best to be supportive. She also knew deep pain but not something as close as it was to their jobs.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not okay,” Evelynn growled, stomping on the gas. They must have been going over 145 kph, but she clearly didn’t care. “They fucked with you when you were a kid. That’s so disgusting—I—”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn being at a loss for words was certainly a once in a lifetime event.</p><p class="p1">“I tried. I tried so hard.” Ahri cried into Kai’sa’s shirt.</p><p class="p1">“I know you did, Ahri. I know you did.”</p><p class="p1">“Why did they have to—why did they have to do that to me?”</p><p class="p1">“Capitalism,” Eve snapped.</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa rolled her eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, it’s not your fault, okay, unnie?” Akali had turned around in her seat only to see still drunk Ahri sobbing against Kai’sa. “It’s not your fault. Blaming yourself—it just doesn’t make sense.”</p><p class="p1">Eve huffed.</p><p class="p1">“I <em>know!</em>” She pulled away from Kai'sa and put her face in her hands and shook it like she had so many times these few days. “I know it’s not my fault but my brain says it’s my fault! I can’t stop it. I can’t.”</p><p class="p1">“We can work this out later,” Kai’sa said, her breathing indicating that she was become choked up as well. She pulled her back into her chest. “Just rest, okay, Kit? You need to rest.”</p><p class="p1">She murmured, “Promise you won’t hate me.”</p><p class="p1">“We could never,” Akali said.</p><p class="p1">Still, she rambled on.</p><p class="p1">“I feel like maybe I should have given up back then. Maybe then, I could died and none of this would have happened—”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn suddenly pulled to the side, cutting multiple people off and almost causing a pileup. When they got to the shoulder, Eve turned around in her seat to make sure they caught eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t <em>ever</em> say that kind of shit again.”</p><p class="p1">She slapped her hands on the wheel and pulled back out onto the highway.</p><p class="p1">It was clear to Kai’sa and Akali that Eve had not come out of Ahri’s drama unscathed. And, how could she? She’d seen her friend be gutted, be destroyed from the inside out. How could she not harbor pain because of that time?</p><p class="p1">After a few minutes of silence, Eve said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri, tired on Kai’sa’s shoulder murmured, “It’s okay.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s not okay.”</p><p class="p1">She hummed, “Oh, well.”</p><p class="p1">The rest of the girls suddenly realized just how deeply Ahri didn’t care for herself, and it hurt very badly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>lmao i cried while writing this</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. 개심</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ahri decides it's time to take her life back into her own hands.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>개심 "gaesim" = reclaim</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It felt like a fog most days, her head clouded with the latest of dozens of medications, the insults and affirmations of a brain that was split in two. It was difficult carrying on, especially in light of two new diagnoses to heap onto the other one. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with Panic Symptoms. Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. She’d had no choice but to explain her recent drop in weight, and lying felt like a chore at this point. She’d been dishonest with herself and the world around her for so long that she couldn’t do it anymore.</p><p class="p1">The girls wouldn’t let her look at social media, not while she was trying to get back on her feet at least. There was always going to be negative articles and criticism of her behavior, and until she was able to cope with that, she had to remain in blissful ignorance. It felt a little ridiculous considering that the very <em>idea</em> the gossip was out there was what bothered her. The nature of it didn’t matter as much.</p><p class="p1">“We’re just concerned for your safety, darling,” Evelynn had explained, petting her intermittently while fixing up the hair she hacked off. Even though it was suggested she avoid mirrors, it was a little difficult when sitting in the bathroom getting your hair cut. “You know it triggers you.”</p><p class="p1">That was obvious. Everything triggered her in some way or another, and she responded in kind. Sometimes it was not to eat, sometimes it was to hurt herself, sometimes it lit up her brain with the happy neurotransmitters—the pleasure from knowing how much people loved her and how it felt drug-like at times. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, ahoy.</p><p class="p1">No sharp objects. Kai’sa’s knives were locked away where only she could get to them. Scissors were kept in Eve’s room, and everyone needed permission to use them so they couldn’t be left out. It made Ahri feel like a toddler. They had to baby-proof the house just so she wouldn’t get any bright ideas. Of course, she was thankful for their consideration and clear adoration for her, but it felt stifling, and it scared her that she was really so sick that they couldn’t trust her with the basic tenants of independent living. And, while it was nice to be doted on, it also made her more hopeless and guilty.</p><p class="p1">Scheduled, monitored eating times were strictly enforced by Kai’sa (which Akali indirectly benefited from considering she was always begging for her to make something and knowing exactly when and what to expect sated her curiosity). But, where Akali was ecstatic, Ahri could hear the little whispers in the back of her brain that told her all the bad things—you don’t deserve it—you deserve to hurt—without the ache of hunger you’ll feel <em>nothing</em>.</p><p class="p1">(<em>You’ll be nothing.</em>)</p><p class="p1">It had not gone unnoticed that after some meals, Ahri would disappear into her room and the sounds of quiet, muffled sobbing could be heard.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn, the sex demon that could seduce anyone she wanted, never understood the fixation. With Ahri’s head on her lap, she would ask why.</p><p class="p1">“You’re already so beautiful. And, your body—well, it’s not just my opinion that you're something of a catch.”</p><p class="p1">Even Eve’s purring compliments and her fingers in her hair couldn’t make the pain in her chest dull.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not about the weight or the food. Not really, I guess. It’s more like self-harm. I only had to count calories before comebacks, so it was never really that. But, when I don’t eat, I feel—lighter.”</p><p class="p1">There’s genetics involved of course. Sometimes it’s one innocent diet that plunges someone down the rabbit hole. There might not be any inciting event at all, and you’re suddenly standing in front of a broken mirror left wondering how it all got so bad.</p><p class="p1">Ahri had made a vow to always be honest from now on, at least with the girls, so sometimes she said some things that Eve didn’t like to hear.</p><p class="p1">“It’s sort of like, I hate myself so much that I think I don’t deserve the things needed to live—”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s fingers tightened in her hair, her blunt manicure pulling at her scalp.</p><p class="p1">“I hate when you talk like that.”</p><p class="p1">“Sorry. You asked.”</p><p class="p1">Sometimes the truth was more painful than a lie.</p><p class="p1">None of them had realized just how much that time of her life affected her because Kai’sa would make a beautiful meal—healthy, too, she would point out—and Ahri sat there and cut everything into little pieces and pushed them around until either Akali said something or Evelynn shot her a death glare.</p><p class="p1">The depression and anxiety also made itself much more pronounced without self-inflicted deprivation to fall back on.</p><p class="p1">She’d wake up in the middle of the night terrified of nothing, mind spinning and chest tight, panic showing itself in strangled breaths and oceans of tears. Someone would come into her room finding Ahri on her knees, clutching her stomach as if it hurt, when really it was because she couldn’t breathe.</p><p class="p1">“What’s wrong, Ahri? What happened?”</p><p class="p1">She’d shake her head, responding silently that there was nothing wrong, not really anyway. Her body just did this sometimes, and there was nothing she could do but ride it out.</p><p class="p1">Well, that wasn’t totally true. She'd recently acquired pills for times like these. Benzos. But, they had to be kept away from her because benzos are the kind of pills that could kill you if you decided to down the bottle because you can’t take the pain of it all anymore. And, plus, panic attacks are one of those things that won’t go away unless you address the root issue of why you are so distressed in the first place.</p><p class="p1">It was nice though that after she calmed down, they would pile onto the couch and watch a movie together as the pills kicked in, and she slowly fell into a deep, medically-induced slumber. That was sweet of them. They didn’t have to do that. But, they loved their gumiho, and they would run across the Pacific Ocean to prove it if they had to.</p><p class="p1">They didn’t understand completely, but they tried their best. Part of Ahri’s treatment was a Partial Hospitalization Program where she went to group therapy sessions six days a week for about five hours at a time. It reminded her of school in a way except instead of learning, you got to listen to everyone talk about their trauma. Saturday was special because technically it was optional and it was a day to bring in your family so they could learn about why their son or daughter’s brain was broken. Of course, Ahri did not have any family, but the girls would come and do their best to soak up the medical jargon and keep track of the pamphlets that said what not to do if you’re living with someone who has the tendency to suddenly want to off themselves.</p><p class="p1">It was funny, though, that at this unassuming hospital, four of the most famous women in the nation would just show up and sit among the plebeians.</p><p class="p1">She sat on the couch in the living room with her head in her hands.</p><p class="p1">“They’re going to tell someone. I know they will.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa rubbed her back. “They’re not allowed to, Ahri. It’s confidential medical knowledge.”</p><p class="p1">“But, they’re going to anyway. You can post anonymously anywhere and suddenly the whole world knows how <em>fucked up</em> you are.”</p><p class="p1">Not prone to anger, when some of it leaked out of her, it sounded vicious. After all, there was no one who hated Ahri more than herself.</p><p class="p1">“It doesn’t matter,” she frowned. “You’re getting help. There’s nothing shameful about getting help.”</p><p class="p1">But, still, she cried about it. She cried a lot about it. If she wasn’t crying over food or panic or sadness, she was crying about how she had no control over her own life, her own narrative. History was written in the public eye, and the public eye wasn’t usually kind. She never used to cry, and now it felt like she couldn’t stop.</p><p class="p1">Sure enough, she accidentally heard them talk about her on the radio—“<em>Is Ahri in rehab? For what?</em>”—and Eve was too late to turn it off. It froze her solid once again. She had a panic attack right there in Eve’s car, and she didn’t know what to do but try to be understanding and comforting about it, two things Eve was not particularly known for being good at. But, for Ahri, she’d do anything.</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t all bad. Scared to death about almost losing her best friend for a second time, Eve began practically worshipping her. There was also that little fiasco about feeding off of her so much that she couldn’t stay conscious, but once it was explained to her, Ahri couldn’t really be mad. She was just doing what she always did—putting herself in dangerous situations impulsively for the thrill of it. Normally, Eve would be happy to indulge in that sort of behavior, but this was obviously a special case.</p><p class="p1">There was one thing Evelynn would not tolerate, though, and that was misbehavior.</p><p class="p1">Okay, so maybe she sometimes tried to get on Twitter when no one was home, or she thought they weren’t watching. None of them realized how much of a compulsion it was, how she didn’t even seem to realize she was doing it until one of them snapped at her. And, yeah, she had complete control over her actions, but what if she just took a tiny peek—</p><p class="p1">“Ahri,” Eve barked. “I’m literally sitting right next to you.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, sorry. I forgot.”</p><p class="p1">She rolled her eyes, but Ahri was telling the truth.</p><p class="p1">The only thing that stopped her was when Kai’sa put one of those access codes that parents put on so their kids couldn’t look at porn, but instead, it was for all social media and news sites. Even with trying every combination she could think of, she still couldn’t figure it out, so at some point, she just gave up altogether.</p><p class="p1">It was a terrible slog, indeed. None of them were particularly happy about doing it, but it was what Ahri needed, so they did it anyway. Whatever it took to keep their gumiho safe. Whatever it took.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Why have you been treating me so nice lately?”</p><p class="p1">Ahri once again found her head in Eve’s lap, fingers in her short hair. Her room was quiet, and it made her sleepy, not to mention that being pet like this made her feel so nice.</p><p class="p1">“Is that supposed to be some kind of trick question?”</p><p class="p1">“No. You just—when you don’t have to act like my mom and yell at me, you’re noticeably less bitchy than usual.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn laughed. “Really. I hadn’t even noticed.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re not usually so affectionate.”</p><p class="p1">“And, you’re seriously asking why?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah.”</p><p class="p1">“Foxy, I’m treating you nice because you deserve to be treated nicely.” She sounded annoyed that Ahri would even ask the question. “I don’t know, maybe I feel a little bad how other people have treated you in the past. Making up for lost time or something like that.”</p><p class="p1">The sentiment was oddly loving coming from someone like Eve, who literally writes songs about lacking empathy, but she guessed that caring for your closest friends was possible even among the unempathetic.</p><p class="p1">“So much for not having a soul.”</p><p class="p1">“Hey, I don’t have one. I’m literally a demon.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, but you’re sweet sometimes, too.”</p><p class="p1">“You could've rubbed off on me over the years.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri giggled sleepily and would have dozed off if Eve hadn't shifted enough for her to realize she was asking her to sit up.</p><p class="p1">“Evie…what’s wrong?” She rubbed at her eyes, and when her vision cleared, a golden stare eyed her warily.</p><p class="p1">“Have I…” Eve looked down at her lap. If Ahri didn’t know any better, she might have thought that she was confused. If there’s one thing Evelynn never was, it was confused. She knew so much and was so confident that she could have sworn she’d lived for hundreds of years before her.</p><p class="p1">Maybe she had. She was a demon after all.</p><p class="p1">“Have you…?”</p><p class="p1">As if she hadn’t noticed her demeanor slip, she righted herself with a bit more confidence. But, she looked uncomfortable. Another thing Evelynn was not.</p><p class="p1">“Have I ever told you that I love you?”</p><p class="p1">“Sure. You tell me all the time. Everyone does.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn got <em>dead serious</em>. Which she was most of the time.</p><p class="p1">“No. I <em>love</em> you, Ahri. Like, I’m <em>in</em> love with you.”</p><p class="p1">She thought for sure her heart had stopped beating entirely.</p><p class="p1">“What?”</p><p class="p1">“If there’s one thing I get off on, it’s pain, and you have so much of it. But, I don’t like seeing you in pain. Actually, I hate it. It makes <em>me</em> sad. Suffering has never made me sad, but yours makes me feel like <em>I’m</em> in pain.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri was too stunned to speak.</p><p class="p1">“Seeing you completely lose your shit for the second time—I—I think it broke something inside me, too. I felt like I’d failed. I felt like the entire world might break if I lost you. People don’t make me feel that, but <em>you</em> make me feel like that.”</p><p class="p1">The idea that someone would feel that strongly about her was foreign, but it was even more foreign coming from her. Her face flushed and her eyes burned. She still couldn't find any words. If her heart had stopped, her mind must have stopped, too, considering it was completely blank.</p><p class="p2">"I don't want to lose you, Ahri. I want you to feel better." She placed a hand on her cheek like she often did, brushing her thumb against her cheekbone. "I want you to feel good. I want to make you feel good."</p><p class="p2">Eve was so close to her face now that she couldn't help but receive her kiss, but Ahri's eyes went wide, and she snapped away. Eve looked confused.</p><p class="p2">"What's wrong?"</p><p class="p1">She felt her hands shake in her lap. “A-Are you serious? You actually...”</p><p class="p1">“Do I sound like I’m lying?”</p><p class="p1">“I…”</p><p class="p1">All Ahri could do was burst into tears. Evelynn's soft and slightly teasing expression melted. She was looking at her cry like she'd accidentally torn her apart as easily as paper.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, baby…I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you feel any kind of way…I should have waited until you felt a little better. I'm sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“N-No—no, that’s not—I just—”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn had her hand on her back like she always did when Ahri cried, which seemed like a constant occurrence lately, but there was a different taste in her sorrow, a bloom of something that reminded her of flowers.</p><p class="p1">“It’s alright, honey. Keep breathing. You’re okay.”</p><p class="p1">Did she think she was having a panic attack?</p><p class="p1">“It—It’s not you—I just—I don’t get it.”</p><p class="p1">“You don’t…’get it?’”</p><p class="p1">“You could have anyone in the world—you have had so many people—but why me? When I’m like this? I don’t even feel like I’m real half the time, and—and—” Her words were running into each other.</p><p class="p1">“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re going to pass out if you don’t start taking deep breaths.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri stopped talking, her breath shuddering, but after a minute or two, she slowly calmed down.</p><p class="p1">“Now, one more time, with a little more coherence please.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri felt embarrassed. During this time, this “recovery,” the Ahri-proofing-the-house thing wasn’t the only reason she felt like a child. It was also the constant lapses into hysterics, the fussiness with eating, the therapy that felt more like school than therapy. She had all but physically reverted back into a teenager—the teenager she was never allowed to be. She was forced to be an adult since she signed her contract. She had to deal with adults in an adult world, and if she showed weakness, that world would swallow her whole. She’d had to mature at a faster rate than any child should, and now that she was stripped back to her basics, the childishness she displayed was more than obvious.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not…good enough for you.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s face steeled. Her eyes glowed a brighter gold. Ahri had to catch her breath when looking at them.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri. Yes, <em>the fuck</em> you are.”</p><p class="p1">It was definitely not the first time Evelynn had gotten angry with her, but it was the first time she sounded like she wanted to slap her in the face.</p><p class="p1">“I’m so <em>fucking</em> tired of you talking about yourself like that. It’s not fucking true. I’m not better than you. You’re not better than me. I’m a goddamn demon who eats people after I’m done fucking them. You really think you can keep lying to yourself like that? <em>That’s</em> why you get so fucked up about everything all the time. You say terrible things about yourself. If anyone said that kind of shit to you, I would have them dead before they could blink. You’re just repeating the same shit that morons on the internet say and the stuff your old management said to you and the stuff the gossip mags make up about you. You’re letting them control you by convincing yourself of every bad thing you’ve heard them say.”</p><p class="p1">Ahri shrunk where she sat. It wasn’t like Eve was wrong. Eve was never wrong.</p><p class="p1">“No matter if you’re an insignificant nobody playing guitar on the street or the most famous person alive, people are going to talk shit. That’s just the way life works. That’s not going to change until you’re dead and gone, and even then, people will <em>still </em>talk shit, you just won’t be around to hear it. I know you have been through a lot and way more than most people ever will, but that’s still not an excuse to throw your life away just because people wrote some bad shit about you online. Buck <em>the fuck up</em>, Buttercup.”</p><p class="p1">It felt like that was the first time in her life that someone had been unabashedly honest with her.</p><p class="p1">“I—”</p><p class="p1">“I love you enough to tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. I love you, but I <em>am not</em> an enabler, and when you get sick, you don’t need to be coddled. You need people to take care of you, so you can learn to take care of yourself. But, if you don’t hold up your end of the bargain, I’m out.”</p><p class="p1">Eve got up and walked over to the door.</p><p class="p1">“Now, get cleaned up. Dinner’s almost ready.”</p><p class="p1">When the door shut and she had a second to ruminate on what just happened, she had no doubt in her mind that Evelynn really, truly did love her. She wouldn’t have said all that if she didn’t. Eve never said those kinds of things to other people. Her chest was warm, and her smile was small. Evelynn loved her. Imagine that.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">If Ahri was going to start to try to put her life back together, she had to start somewhere. She had to get to the bottom of it. She had to swallow the bitterest medicine no matter how bad it tasted.</p><p class="p1">She had to face the media. Tell the truth. Tell the whole truth. She’d been lying to herself for so long, she hadn’t even realized she’d begun believing her own lies. Fact and fiction blurred together until the only thing left was pain and sadness.</p><p class="p1">Okay, she had to tell one more lie. She had to keep this from the girls and <em>especially</em> Eve because she’d slit her throat if she found out her plan. It was a good plan. She thought. Okay, yes, this might be slightly destructive behavior, but you’ve got to get your hands a bit dirty if you’re going to come clean.</p><p class="p1">It had been a long time since she felt the hot lights of a stage. At this point, it didn’t even really make her unhappy. She was too tired to keep going back to the reel of bad memories in her head. She’d always enjoyed performing, and she used to like stages, so maybe one day, she won’t hate that hot glare anymore.</p><p class="p1">“Ahri! You look great!”</p><p class="p1">The host of the show was a nice man. She’d enjoyed being interviewed by him in the past. Most guys in the industry were power-hungry creeps trying to get their Slice of Underaged Girl, but she’d always gotten good vibes from him. He probably meant the comment honestly. He might have thought that she did look good, but trained eyes could see she was visibly exhausted and still too skinny. It had been so little time since the hotel room incident that she hadn’t even gotten her stitches out yet. It could have been her severe bob that Evelynn had cut for her was enough to distract everyone from noticing she was ill.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, thank you so much, Seo-jun-nim. It’s good to see you.”</p><p class="p1">“Good to see you as well. Loving the hair.”</p><p class="p1">She fluffed it playfully. “I was in need of a bit of a change.” It was a lie. Oh well.</p><p class="p1">“We all need one every so often. So, you wanted to come on alone for an interview? That hasn’t happened since you were solo.”</p><p class="p1">The comment never failed to cause a painful twinge in her chest even now, and lately, the painful twinge sent her spiraling into panic. However, with the confines of an interview to distract her, she could ignore it.</p><p class="p1">“That’s actually what I wanted to talk about. About what happened when I was still signed under CSS.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It had been a long time since she’d lost control of her appearance, but seeing that Ahri was on a variety show had her demon form spring out of her like she was bursting into flames.</p><p class="p1">“I’m going to turn that fucking fox into a pretty, little carpet.”</p><p class="p1">“Whoa, so I see we have Scary Eve today,” Akali said, trying to get past her without losing a limb in the process.</p><p class="p1">“Look at this shit,” Evelynn barked, gesturing to the TV in question. Once Akali saw what she was talking about, her eyes widened.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, yeah. That's probably not very good.”</p><p class="p1">“After all she’s pulled and now this?”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa emerged from her room, wondering what all the racket was about. “What’s going on? And, why is Scary Eve out and about?”</p><p class="p1">“It’s nothing,” Akali began, not looking away from the television, her tone equivalent to talking about the weather. “It’s just Ahri’s on an interview to tell her Solo Days story to the entire planet.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa, not believing her, came over to see that it was decidedly true.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, God. Is she insane?”</p><p class="p1">“<em>I guess there’s been a lot of gossip going around about me, and I wanted to set the record straight. About everything. There's a lot to tell so you'll have to bear with me.</em>"</p><p class="p1">"<em>Why have you decided to talk about it now?</em>"</p><p class="p1">"<em>I'm...trying to get better about telling the truth. </em><em>I had been so scared of people finding out for so long that I guess I never realized how much it bothered me until it totally derailed everything. I have been having a lot of problems because of it, and I...want this all to mean something.</em>”</p><p class="p1">The other members of the group watched in abject horror as Ahri, very politely and in her perfect Korean, spilled her fucking guts. She was so forthcoming that she might have gone a bit overboard including some details even Evelynn had never known about. She was also giving too much information about how her treatment had been going, which wasn’t exactly bad. It was just awkward, at least to the girls.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Um, but I’m not just doing this for myself or my friends, even though they’re pretty tired of me at this point, I’m sure.</em>” She paused to laugh sadly. “<em>I think it’s important for us to be talking about idols and the way they’re treated for everyone’s sake. Everyone has problems, not only people in the industry, and the more we can normalize the issue, the more we can help each other before it’s too late</em>.”</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s appearance had gone back to normal, but her face stayed steely.</p><p class="p1">“<em>I’ve lost some good friends over the years, some wonderful souls because of the mistreatment from their companies. All they got from the press and the internet was mockery when they expressed their problems, and now they’re not here anymore…</em>”</p><p class="p1">“How can she talk about it so calmly…?” Akali wondered aloud.</p><p class="p1">Almost as if an answer to her question, Ahri started to sniff.</p><p class="p1">“<em>If I didn’t have the friends and support I have, if I didn’t have my fans, I might not have made it either. Everyone has been nothing but supportive even though I’ve flown off the handle more than a few times,</em>” she paused to giggle before sniffing again and turning to the camera. It looked like she was looking through the screen and directly at them.</p><p class="p1">Maybe she was.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Guys, I’m so sorry. I know it’s been hard on you. Thank you so, so much for never giving up on me even though I gave up on myself. I could never explain how loved that makes me feel. I love you all so much.</em>”</p><p class="p1">She couldn’t keep her composer anymore without completely choking up, so she turned back to the interview dude and shrugged as if to say, <em>That’s all</em>.</p><p class="p1">Kai’sa sniffed, rubbing the moisture from her cheeks.</p><p class="p1">“I hope she doesn’t think we hate her.”</p><p class="p1">Eve had calmed down but didn’t sound sad either. “No, I talked to her.”</p><p class="p1">One of Akali’s eyebrows went up, pretending like she wasn't also misty-eyed. “And, you said…what exactly?”</p><p class="p1">“I told her to buck up and grow some balls. I just didn’t think she’d grow them that quickly,” she said. “I’m still going to kick her ass, though.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, definitely.”</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ahri knew she was going to get an earful, but she hadn’t realized it would come in the form of three girls busting into the green room. She wanted to know how they got to the studio so fast, but she already knew the answer and it was Eve’s less than legal driving behaviors.</p><p class="p1">“You’re in trouble, Foxy,” she said, voice dropping dangerously low.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, I had a feeling.” She sighed, wilting slightly in the chair she sat in. While she had been so confident on stage, it probably had worn off with the adrenalin. “But, before you lay into me, can we go home first? I’m really tired. And, really hungry.”</p><p class="p1">They all paused, collectively realizing that it had been the first time she’d admitted it out loud. She was hungry. How could saying such a normal sentiment be such a big step forward? They didn’t know, but they’d take it.</p><p class="p2">"Can I get a hug?"</p><p class="p2">How could they not, especially when she looked up at them with giant puppy-dog eyes?</p><p class="p2">"Dammit, Kit. You're going to be the death of us."</p><p class="p2">Ahri told herself she was going to try to stop crying as much, but having the love of her best friends so close to her—well, that was already a losing battle.</p><p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Truth be told, Eve wasn’t actually that mean about the whole thing. It was hard to be when she’d accidentally done something good instead of the disaster they were expecting.</p><p class="p1">Ahri’s interview went wildly viral in the K-Pop community. It practically forced people to talk about the industry, how idols are treated, how people treat each other, how often idols are taking their own lives. She hadn’t expected her impulse decision to work that well, but it did.</p><p class="p1">The other thing she didn’t expect was the overflowing amount of support she received from the community. The label was overwhelmed with the amount of 'get well' cards, the flowers, the treats, the assorted gifts, the letters. Suddenly, people were treating her with intense sympathy, and the whiplash of going from being hot gossip to being pelted by affection was staggering. People sent in letters talking about their own struggles, their family’s struggles, their friends’ struggles. She spent a lot of time huddled on the couch with a bunch of tissues and crying over them. Kai’sa and Eve weren’t sure if this was a form of self-destruction, but Akali saw it differently.</p><p class="p1">“Sometimes the way to deal with your own issues is to hear what other people’s are. You know, a ‘bonding through tragedy’ kind of thing.”</p><p class="p1">Even Minji sent her a letter. She said she was doing just fine and was finding moderate success as an indie artist at a small label that treated her better, and they should reconnect sometime. Ahri thought she'd never hear from her again, and yet, here were her words in her hand. They could collaborate one of these days. She was sure they'd both like that.</p><p class="p1">Evelynn’s talk had gotten through to her, almost strikingly so. The way she went about her treatment had visibly improved (the adjustments on her meds, following her food plan, refraining from self-deprecation). Instead of the torturous struggle Ahri seemed to believe it was in the beginning, all of these things had become part of her normal life. And, as time went on, Ahri herself visibly brightened, too. With the addition of some weight, her skin looked better, and her curves got...uh, more curvy? She didn’t love it, but it beat getting dizzy and passing out all the time.</p><p class="p1">She decided that she would try letting her hair grow out black again, just to see how she liked it. It could always be dyed back if she found she’d become too attached to the blonde, but something told her that wasn't the case.</p><p class="p1">As Ahri improved, so did the atmosphere of their home life. Instead of walking on eggshells and waiting for another nervous breakdown, they became even more open about their thoughts and feelings (not that Akali even had a problem with that). They grew closer if that were even possible. Ahri was definitely closest with Evelynn, but they didn’t really want to make anything official until she got better. Working on herself was more important. And, hell, at that point, if Kai’sa and Akali wanted to join in on the party, that might work out, too. They’d just have to wait and see.</p><p class="p1">For the first time in what felt like forever, Ahri reconnected with what she was feeling when she wrote ‘I’ll Show You.’ That flicker of motivation was back, and lyrics that felt so foreign just a few months ago suddenly rang true all over again.</p><p class="p1">Life isn’t only a battle, it’s a war, and this time, she wasn’t going to lose. As long as there were people who loved her, she could not lose.</p><p class="p1">And, who knows? Maybe one day, she could win.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>well, i guess that's all folks. thanks for all the kudos and comments, it really brightens my day to hear from you guys. im not sure if this is a short fic that got too long or a long fic that was shorter than i planned, but i guess you can't win them all lol, hopefully now ill write more ahrlynn in the future</p><p>thanks for reading everyone! see y'all on the flipside</p><p>edit: okay i got an idea for an epilogue so that might happen, idk</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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